Category: top lists

… Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern…. Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers…. Dogs hang around O.R. for scraps…. Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string…. Anesthesiologist in bib overalls, feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar…. Your Gynecologist is Ernest…. Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can squeal like a pig…. The Interns are led by Ernest T. Bass…. Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw…. Hospital food consist of picking-your-own corn on the roof…. Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard’s feet, owl’s beaks and pig’s ears…. Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it’s shown on The Learning Channel…. You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack…. You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow…. The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.

1. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”

2. “Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!”

3. “Look at the size of that thing!”

4. “Sorry about the mess…”

5. “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”

6. “Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?”

7. “You’ve got something jammed in here real good.”

8. “Put that thing away before you get us all killed!”

9. “Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?”

10. “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care *what* you smell!”

15> All your monologues begin with “Death to the infidels!”

14> Every time you start a “knock knock” joke, Simon Cowell pops out of the bushes and kicks you in the crotch.

13> You still can’t understand why your “women are like vector calculus, but men are like tensor analysis” routine doesn’t crack ’em up every time.

12> You’re opening for Yakov Smirnoff. In Branson. For his Monday morning show.

11> You pioneered the joke format of Setup, Punch, Explanation, Apology.

10> Your Sam Kinnison impersonation not only failed to get you any laughs, it forced you to concede the democratic presidential bid to John Kerry.

9> The subject line of all your e-mails: “FWD: FWD: FWD: LOL!”

8> You’re still working on that “Viagra rhymes with Niagara” gag you caught a teasing glimpse of two years ago.

7> Your copyrighted signature catch-phrase is “Get it?”

6> Although there’s a humorous anecdote or two to be gleaned from forgetting to set your alarm clock and missing your flight, “Abu, the 20th Hijacker” keeps getting his ass kicked at open-mike night.

5> The trick boutonniere on your lapel is connected to your urinary catheter.

4> Your funniest bit involves snarky responses to a cease-and-desist letter from Worldwide Pants, but your attorney won’t let you post it on your lame-ass Web site.

3> Your “watch me pull a baby out of this vagina” joke is just creepy.

2> Your new WB sitcom pilot was responsible for the first-ever Laugh Tracks Union strike.

1> Your “homage to Gallagher” involves a huge mallet and live puppies.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order (“Hi, may I take your order?”) before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., “Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please”.

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out ofnline and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they’ll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to “check out the babe”.

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

14. You have to start faking orgasms just to keep the phone bill down.

13. Disconcerting to hear a stranger breathlessly answer the phone while “Love the One You’re With” plays in the background.

12. Every time you hang up, you know she’s *69ing someone.

11. Established pattern: Meet in airport, spend two days in custody for public lewdness.

10. Now that AT&T has placed an account executive in your apartment, you’re constantly being chided for “holding back” when expressing your feelings.

9. Awfully hard to storm out when you need him to drive you to the airport.

8. You need an alarm clock without his “morning appendage” poking you in the back at 6AM.

6. It doesn’t matter who visits whom, *someone* is violating their parole.

5. That “You hang up first,” “No, YOU hang up first” crap is really only funny the first two or three hundred times.

4. No matter how much Viagra you take, the distance is still too damn far.

3. FedEx’s drug-sniffing dogs, apparently unable to distinguish panties from cocaine, keep freaking over your Letter-Paks.

2. That awkward moment when she faxes you home to meet Mom and Dad.

1. All of the carpal, none of the tunnel.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

15> Smellville

14> Spitting It Up! with Ali & Jack

13> Mayberry B.F.D.

12> American Midol

11> 8 Simple Rules for Emptying My Bladder

10> Queer Eye for Ricky Martin’s Ass

9> Hallucidate

8> The $64,000 Rhetorical Question

7> Everybody Loves Rumsfeld

6> JAG Off

5> Friends’ Friends’ Friends

4> Law & Order: Special Cow-Tipping Victim’s Unit

3> Monday Night Foosball

2> Drunk’d

1> Welcome Back, Qatar

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

1. Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.

14> “You were, uh, *born* a man, right?”

13> “Are you going to tell me the secret code, or am I going to have to assume you’re an alien and blast you?”

12> “You and your wife were never very big on that ‘exclusive’ thing, right?”

11> “Where were you on the night Ms. Tripp was impregnated?”

10> “Can you help me carry this across the street? It’s not very infected, just a little slippery.”

9> “…and do you take this man, Orenthal James Simpson, to be your lawfully-wedded husband?”

8> “Daddy, can you tell if this pus is coming from my labia tattoo or my labia piercing?”

7> “Well, if that’s not your prostate, what is it?”

6> “When did you decide to invest all your lottery winnings in Pets.com?”

5> “What made you think I was a doctor?”

4> “Weren’t you wearing a condom earlier?”

3> “So, boss… does your coffee taste funny this morning?”

2> “Mr. Secretary, did the President tell the Chinese Ambassador we are maintaining a ‘preventory’ nuclear presence in the China Sea or a ‘pre-emptory’ nuclear presence?”

1> “Blindfold?”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

16> Yugo Girl: Auto Repair for Empowered Women

15> Rosie O’Donnell Can Kiss My Great Big Rich Ass

14> How to Amuse Your Inner Child By Swallowing Hand Puppets

13> Men Are from Mars, Women Are from — Ooh, Mashed Potatoes!

12> TV Personalities Who Baffle Men, and the Women Who Love Them

11> Girlfriend, You Are Like, *SO* Co-Dependent!

10> The Clever, Unappreciated Woman Who Never Marries and Dies Poor and Alone

9> You Go, Oprah!: One Author’s Desperate Attempt to Make His Mortgage Payments

8> Bad Shrinks, Good Surgeons: Learning to Love the Fat Ugly Loser You’ll Always Be

7> You’re Not Nearly as Repulsive as You Think

6> I’m OK, You Won’t Make as Much in Your Lifetime as I Make During Lunch

5> Harry Potter and the Stunningly Successful, Worldly-Wise, Mature Yet Hauntingly Alluring Talk Show Goddess

4> I’m OK, You’re Skanky Roadkill

3> Bridget Jones’s Diarrhea

2> Beloved 2: Electric Boogaloo

1> I Know Why the Trapped, Rabid Wolverine Bites Her Leg Off

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

15> Mork & Mindy: Mork is detained by the Department of Homeland Security.

14> Star Trek: Kirk introduces nurse Chapel to his “personal phaser” and sets it to vibrate.

13> Gomer Pyle, USMC: “Surprise, surprise, surprise!” Gomer has trouble keeping a “don’t ask, don’t tell” secret.

12> M*A*S*H: Radar finally loses his virginity after the 4077th gets a shipment of sheep.

11> All in the Family: Gloria threatens to divorce Michael unless he changes his nickname to Vegetablehead.

10> Cheers: It’s pot-luck night and Woody brings a hookah. “High”-jinks ensue.

9> Howdy Doody: Howdy faces his draft-dodging past when confronted by his decorated Korean War veteran brother, Tourov.

8> The Love Boat: A surprise mutiny results in Captain Stubing being hung from the yardarm as Isaac the bartender’s reign of terror begins.

7> My Mother the Car: Feeling old and unattractive, Mother has some new “air bags” installed.

6> Bewitched: Mrs. Kravitz catches Samantha in bed with both Darrins at the same time.

5> The Honeymooners: In an ironic twist, Alice is chosen to be the first woman to participate in the space program.

4> Green Acres: Arnold comes down with mad pig disease.

3> Three’s Company: Jack overhears something shocking and rather than jumping to conclusions, asks if he might have misunderstood. The crisis averted, the roommates spend the rest of the episode tending to their pet rock.

2> Lassie: Timmy’s “Fire Hydrant” Halloween costume is accidentally ruined.

1> The Brady Bunch: Marcia’s plan to make extra money as a “lady of the evening” goes awry when serial murderer Sam the Butcher becomes her first customer.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

3 guyz get captured by canibals and the canibals took the 3 guyz 2 the king canibal deep within a forest. The king canibal says,”we will not eat you guyz on one condition, if each of you can get 10 of the same fruits and stick them up your butt hole without making any facial expression, we will let you live.” So the 3 guyz went out into the forest to find fruits. The first guy came back with 10 apples and came back to the king. He started sticking the apples up his but, 1, 2, 3, one pops out and he yelled,”ouch!! So they ate him and he died. The second guy came back with grapes, he started sticking them up his butt, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9….. he laughed. so he got eaten and died. The 2 guyz met in heaven and the first guy says,”hey u almost had it why did u laugh? The second guy says,” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, because i saw the second guy coming with pinapples!!!!

16> Accidentally stabbing yourself in the eye with a spork. Twice.

15> Buried alive beneath a collapsed pile of your rare “Party of Five” memorabilia.

14> Unemployed, wearing pajamas, eating Pringles, in the middle of typing TopFive submi$(*%&(*%&(*$&%)

13> Of starvation, alone on an island — after everyone else has been voted off it.

12> Struck by a piccolo during a band-camp brawl.

11> Shortly after opening a spam e-mail message reading, “Congratulations, brother! You may already be the new leader of Hamas!”

10> Auto-erotic asphyxiation while watching reruns of “Mama’s Family.”

9> “See, these are not wild tigers; they’re just wittle kittens who wuv to be kissed on their wittle white noses!”

8> Smothered by your own man-boobs while hanging upside-down on your kids’ swingset.

7> Crushed during a stampede at a Raffi concert.

6> Heart attack while celebrating Brian Boitano nailing a quad salchow.

5> Crushed beneath the wheels of a Nash Metropolitan driven by an old, old woman with her false teeth in upside down and a Chihuahua in a clown costume on the fake-zebra-skin-covered passenger seat.

4> Extreme old age. (Keith Richards only)

3> Fatal allergic reaction to your Klingon latex body paint during your presentation at the comi-con.

2> Having your neck snapped by a vicious slap from an enraged Clay Aiken.

1> Choking on a pretzel — but hey, what are the odds of *that*?

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]