Category: top lists

:The World’s 25 Shortest Books:25. ‘Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money’ by Dennis Rodman24. ‘The Difference Between Reality and Dilbert’23. ‘The Book of Virtue’ by Bill Clinton22. ‘To All the Men I’ve Loved Before’ by Ellen21. ‘Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes’20. ‘Human Rights Advances in China’19. ‘My Plan to Find the Real Killers’ by O.J. Simpson18. ‘Al Gore: The Wild Years’17. ‘Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean’16. ‘America’s Most Popular Lawyers’15. ‘Career Opportunities for Art History Majors’14. ‘Detroit – A Travel Guide’13. ‘Beauty Tips’ by Roseanne12. ‘Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches’ (subtitled ‘The Power of Positive Thinking’)11. ‘UNIX Made Easy’10. ‘Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance and Fine Dining’ 9. ‘Everything Men Know About Women’ 8. ‘Everything Women Know About Men’ 7. ‘French Hospitality’ 6. ‘George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names’ 5. ‘How to Sustain a Musical Career’ by Art Garfunkel 4. ‘101 Spotted Owl Recipes’ by the U.S. EPA 3. ‘Dining in the Ring’ by Mike Tyson 2. ‘The Amish Phone Book’ 1. ‘The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion’

1.Tell the widow that the deceased’s last wish was a Viking S&M session

2.Tell the undertaker that he can’t close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

3.Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.

4.Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

5.At the cemetary, play taps on a kazoo.

6.Walk around telling people that you’ve seen the will and they’re not in it.

7. Ask the widow to give you an enema.

8.Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin.

11.Place a golf ball into the mouth of the deceased….. PAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12.Slip a whoopee cushion under the deceased.

13.Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

15.Urge the widow to give the deceased’s wooden leg to someone poor who can’t afford firewood.

16.Use the deceased’s tongue to lick a stamp.

15. My love for you… it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement.

14. I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

13. Lie down with me — it’s my final offa, Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.

12. I picked up this card from a slim selection But that’s all they offer here in witness protection. Love, J. Doe

11. I’ve waited so long for you to be mine. Now that Sinatra’s dead, be *my* Valentine.

10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

9. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass; So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.

8. Violets are blue, roses are red, I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?

7. The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!

6. Hey.

5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best. But you’re as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

4. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers. Be mine always and you’ll keep your fingers.

3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.

2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand So I won’t be a self-made man.

1. When a goon makes you die, Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com]

A few suggestions for corporate mergers: – PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Keebler, to be called Poly-Warner-Cracker – Yahoo and Netscape-to be called Net’nYahoo – 3M and Good year, to be called MMM-Good – Knotts Berry Farm and National Organization for Women-to be called Knott NOW – Federal Express and UPS, to be called FED UP- Xerox and Wurlitzer: They’re going to make reproductive organs.- Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild.- John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi- Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I’m Home- Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine- 3M, J.C. Penney, Metropolitan Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera- Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants- Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da- Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

1> Group: Anorexics Anonymous. You: Big chubby guy with an affinity for cheesecake.

2> Only half an hour into the meeting, and the keg’s already dry.

3> Counselor greets you with, “Well, if it isn’t Princess Pathetic!”

4> Their idea of 12 Steps involves two six-packs.

5> Instead of Mars & Venus, leader suggests you get in touch with Uranus.

6> You’re host of the upcoming pool party for your Incontinent Beer-Drinkers Support Group.

7> They’ve voted to change their name to “Cathie Haters Anonymous.”

8> Your Heart Attack Recovery Group counselor hasn’t moved in three weeks and is starting to smell a little gamey.

9> Four months and the Nymphomania Group still hasn’t recruited a female member.

10> Their 12-step program: “Put your right foot in, take your right foot out, put your right foot in, then you shake it all about…”

11> “Parents Without Partners” survey: 18 members, 18 beards.

12> The washroom towels at your Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting all say, “Holiday Inn.”

13> None of the other sex addicts really understand how tough it is to run the damn country.

14> “The ‘Making Your Marriage Work’ seminar is happy to introduce our guest speaker, Larry King.”

15> The name: Promise Breakers

16> You start to wonder if other Overeaters Anonymous groups stop their meetings for triple-bacon-cheeseburger breaks.

12> The period of rotation of Pulsar JC9270 totally synchs up with the drum solo in “In A Gadda Da Vida,” man!

11> “Twinkies, Twinkies, little stars; seem so close, yet are so far.”

10> The Theory of Munchitivity: At times, peanut butter is more valuable than gold.

9> The sensor casing from a mass spectrometer makes a handy roach clip.

8> “Some day, with all of our advances in science and technology, we’ll be able to land a man on the sun.”

7> The Big Bong Theory

6> If you took a hit while travelling at the speed of light, you’d get one major rush, dude.

5> Betty Crocker brownies > Duncan Hines brownies

4> “Theory of Joint Relativity”: A complex quantum physics equation that proves that the more pot you smoke, the slower your automobile travels with you at the wheel.

3> Floyd rocks!

2> A single “You Are Here” sign will work EVERYwhere.

1> Wow, man! There are, like, a LOT of stars. There must be *hundreds* of ’em. Maybe even *thousands*. No, millions and millions! Wait — I’m onto something here…

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

15. While watching “Star Trek – The Next Generation”, they always scream, “Wrong! Wrong again!!”

14. No amount of arguing will stop them from voting Republican.

13. Mom has finally kicked her oxygen habit, but Dad still guzzles Prestone like it was Gatorade.

12. Your mom once moistened an envelope with her tongue and sealed it…after you had dropped it in the mail box.

11. Two words: Sansabelt slacks

10. Your first clue? They named you Jon Benet and you don’t live in France.

9. Them: three-toed marsupials with pouches. You: love eucalyptus leaves and talk with funny accent.

8. They freak every time a Sigourney Weaver movie comes on.

7. Billy’s parents — the paddle. Timmy’s parents — the belt. Your folks — the probe.

6. They claim they brought you from France, yet no one in the family is surly.

5. Your navel is threaded.

4. You’ve escaped countless punishments by distracting them with the sound of the can opener.

3. Your backyard satellite dish is larger than your neighbor’s, by about 700 feet.

2. Your chore list includes the item, “polish coffins.”

1. In addition to milk, breast feeding menu includes hors d’oeuvres, salad, and an entree.

• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
• You speed walk in your sleep.
• You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
• You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people’s fingernails.
• You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• Cocaine is a downer.
• You don’t sweat, you percolate.
• You buy milk by the barrel.
• You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
• You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.”
• You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
• You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
• You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
• You get drunk just so you can sober up.
• You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
• You don’t tan, you roast.
• You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
• Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
• You can’t even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

• If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
• What do chickens think we taste like?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• What do you call a male ladybug?
• What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
• Which is the other side of the street?
• Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why don’t they call mustaches “mouthbrows?”
• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

From “Late Show with David Letterman” on Tuesday, August 9, 199410. It’s hosted by Ed McMahon.9. “Amplifiers” are just enormous dixie cups.8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.7. You’re asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you’re being introduced as Bob Dylan.6. One word: polkas.5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.4. “Santana” turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.3. They’re playing “May we turn the hose on you, please?” [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night’s show with a hose.]2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.1. The crowd is chanting, “Tito! Tito! Tito!”

Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word “Pants” for key words:

• We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
• The pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.
• I find your lack of pants disturbing.
• Many Bothans died to bring us these pants.
• These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
• Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!
• General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
• I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
• TK-421… Why aren’t you in your pants?
• Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.
• You are unwise to lower your pants.
• She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
• Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
• You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.
• Luke… Help me remove these pants.
• Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
• That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!
• Luke…..I am your pants.
• A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
• Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
• Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your highness.
• Luke, search your pants. You know it is true.
• Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one… Your sister!
• Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
• Short pants is better than no pants at all.

10. I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of person.9. Do you pay overtime?8. I hate flying.7. I’m useless without ten hours of sleep a night.6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.2. Two words: family first.1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.