Category: top lists

16> Guys Named Steve Who Could Use a Couple Extra Bucks

15> The Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Retirement Fund

14> Institute of Obsessive-Compulsive Lawn Care Zealots

13> Green Piece

12> Rappers Without Retirement Plans

11> The Anna Nicole Smith Shelter for Temporarily Homeless Gold-digging Floozies

10> United Negro Hockey Fund

9> The March of Mimes

8> The George W. Bush Literacity Fund

7> Fart-Aid

6> Partnership for a Free-Drugs America

5> The Red Crotch

4> Amnesty International House of Pancakes

3> Americans United to Buy Me a Porsche

2> Konservative Khristian Kouncil

1> The Make-A-Whip Foundation

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

13. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

13> Jigglybutt

12> Herpekachu

11> Bongbuzz

10> Rastamon

9> Chepejapaneztoi

8> Fartachu

7> Mommysbroke

6> Pustulette

5> Wakamole

4> Guntotingoth

3> Watchutawkinboutwillis

2> Tracilords

1> Liberachee

15> Star Wars Whatever: You Geeks Will See It Anyway

14> Pokemon 2: Electric Pikachu

13> Rocky VI: I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up by the Count of Ten

12> The Matrix: Redundant

11> Willy Wonka and the Slaughterhouse: Mad Oompa Loompa Disease

10> Spider-Man vs. Orkin Man

9> Malcolm XXX

8> Wrong Turn 2: Gladys, Just Give Me the Goddamn Map, Will You?

7> Armageddon 2: Shit, We Missed One

6> Master and Commander II: Aubrey’s Turn in the Barrel

5> Studbiscuit

4> American Pie 4: Mincemeat

3> Freddy Got Fingered 2: Fingered Harder

2> Burp Betty

1> Lord of the Rings IV: She’s Gotta Hobbit

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

1. Fission shmission, relax, I’ll increase the water level after my coffee break.

2. Was that “Open valve A and close valve B” or was it the other way round?

3. This whole plant will be running under Win95 tomorrow.

4. HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?

5. Who forgot to pay the water bill?

6. We got 12 seconds to WHAT????

7. Meet your new plan superintendent: Bozo the clown.

8. A leak? Can’t you fix it with duct tape or something?

9. Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.

10. It’s Russian technology.

11. Move over Three Mile Island – here we come !!!

12. Sniff, sniff…. you smell that?

13. I used to work at Chernobyl.

14. All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!

15. It’s your turn to wax the core.

16. How come all the big shots are leaving?

17. Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?

18. Is this part really necessary?

19. OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn’t finish it, though.

20. Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.

9> You often wake up to find your hand in a pot of warm water — with potatoes and carrots.

8> Always clipping those “Flabby White Guy Helper” coupons.

7> All the empty McDonner’s containers he leaves around the apartment.

6> Maybe he said “head of lettuce” when you asked about what was wrapped up the refrigerator, but it sure sounded like “head of Cleatus.”

5> Every day, the same routine — he comes home from med school and lets loose a big, loud, formaldehyde-smelling burp.

4> Nervously changes the channel whenever “Cannibals Caught on Tape” comes on.

3> The tubby kid from across the hall is missing; she’s trying to decide which windows to click down on her Richard Simmons Food Planner.

2> Well, *you* sure didn’t buy that box of BitchQuick in the cupboard.

1> When you ask what he wants on the pizza, he always says, “Ask if they have buttocks.”

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List ]

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• Your wife buys a flannel nightie and you find that sexy.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
• Sex becomes “All that foolishness”.
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
• You remember the “Rolling Stones” as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father’s advice.
• You don’t know how to operate a FAX machine.
• When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

• Yo mama’s so old her birth certificate says expired.
• Yo mama’s so old her social security number is one.
• Yo mama’s so old I told her to act her age and the bitch dropped dead.
• Yo mama’s such a whore that I could’ve been Yo daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
• Yo mama’s so dirty, she has to creep up on bathwater.
• Yo mama’s so smelly, that her shit is glad to escape.
• Yo mama’s so ugly the doctor is still smacking her ass
• Yo mama’s so fat, her belly button’s got an echo.
• Yo mama’s so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked ”Who threw that rock?”
• Yo mama’s so fat, she uses a hula hoop to hold up her socks
• Yo mama’s so fat, when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
• Yo mama’s so fat, when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
• Yo mama’s so fat, when she hauls ass it takes two trips.
• Yo mama’s so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint roller.
• Yo mama’s so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
• Yo mama’s so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• Yo mama’s so stupid, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put ”O.K.”
• Yo mama’s so stupid, your dad said it was chilly outside, she went and got a spoon.
• Yo mama’s so stupid, that she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
• Yo mama’s so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

14> The only thing wonderful about Wonder Woman is her Wonderbra. 13> Charlie Brown switches his affection to the little blue-haired girl. 12> Wile E. Coyote receives fewer parcels from ACME, more parcels from AARP. 11> New royal title: King Valiant. New color for horrid mixing-bowl haircut: gray. 10> Sylvester’s only interested in the Early Tweety Bird Special. 9> The X-Men have become the Ex-Lax Men. 8> Popeye’s face retains the shape of the frying pan Bluto hit him with for the rest of the episode. 7> Dilbert’s tie no longer points upward without pharmaceutical help. 6> Cathy finally gives up on men and moves into a Greenwich Village flat with Marcie and Peppermint Patty. 5> Pepe LePew no longer makes any scents. 4> SpongeBob’s SquarePants are now UpToHisArmpits, and he can’t seem to get rid of that rank dirty-dish smell. 3> Bugs spends a lot of time in the examination room asking, What’s up with my prostate, Doc? 2> Now retired and living in Florida, Zonker Harris and Michael Doonesbury unintentionally vote for Bush — again. 1> His wife has taken to calling him Limpy Limppecker. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

13> One of your Sims just won first place on “American Idol.”

12> Those guys outside your house in dark suits after you get to a certain level in “Enter the Matrix”? Those ain’t Mormons, Chester.

11> You can’t scope with any of the *virtual* hotties, either, dweeb-boy.

10> This game has no monsters, no guns, no crashes — just Mom yelling to get off the computer and do your homework.

9> Your dark-skinned Sims are deleted from your computer and stored on a server in Guantanamo.

8> For about four days every month, Lara Croft shoots at *you*.

7> The boss on the final level is an evil, arrogant old guy who does nothing but deny you overtime and write unflattering performance reviews.

6> Game limits your running speed based on your smoking habit and the weight recorded during last doctor’s visit.

5> Every time the frog gets run over, your shirt gets splattered with blood.

4> Your Sims refuse to do anything you say until you agree to put on a clean T-shirt.

3> Your two regular Internet opponents, “SaddamH” and “binLaden,” haven’t logged on in weeks now.

2> Guiding your Knicks in the 4th quarter of “NBA Live 2003,” you suddenly feel the pressure — of Latrell Sprewell’s fingers around your throat.

1> The newly elected mayor of Vice City? Marion Barry.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]