101 Ways To Annoy People (not counting this email)

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.2. In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sensual massage.’3. Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go.’4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of ‘Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…’5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.7. Speak only in a ‘robot’ voice.8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will ‘swipe your grub.’10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.12. Sniffle incessantly.13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.14. Name your dog ‘Dog.’15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions ‘to keep them tuned up.’16. Reply to everything someone says with ‘that’s what YOU think.’17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your ‘astronaut training.’18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for ‘violating your airspace.’19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ‘real hoot.’20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.21. Practice making fax and modem noises.22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and ‘cc:’ them to your boss.23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a ‘spider person.’26. Finish all your sentences with the words ‘in accordance with prophesy.’27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.30. Disassemble your pen and ‘accidentally’ flip the ink cartridge across the room.31. Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ‘like it that way.’34. Drum on every available surface.35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.41. Set alarms for random times.42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a ‘croaking’ noise.45. Honk and wave to strangers.46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.48. Tape pieces of ‘Sweating to the Oldies’ over climactic parts of rental movies.49. Wear your pants backwards.50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.51. Begin all your sentences with ‘ooh la la!’ 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.53. only type in lowercase.54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.59. Write ‘X – BURIED TREASURE’ in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ‘Do you hear that?’ ‘What?’ ‘Never mind, it’s gone now.’62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.65. Demand that everyone address you as ‘Conquistador.’66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.67. When Christmas caroling, sing ‘Jingle Bells, Batman smells’ until physically restrained.68. Wear a cape that says ‘Magnificent One.’69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ‘no, wait, I messed it up,’ and repeat.73. Drive half a block.74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.75. Ask people what gender they are.76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off ‘in case the big one comes.’79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as ‘Feliz Navidad,’ the Archies’ ‘Sugar’ or the Mr.Rogers theme song.80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.83. Change your name to ‘John Aaaaasmith’ for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each ‘a.’84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.86. Wear a LOT of cologne.87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ‘superior mental processing.’88. Sing along at the opera.89. Mow your lawn with scissors.90. At a golf tournament, chant ‘swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!’ 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your ‘imaginary friend.’92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ‘psychological profiles.’94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ‘magic picture.’95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.96. Never make eye contact.97. Never break eye contact.98. Construct elaborate ‘crop circles’ in your front lawn.99. Construct your own pretend ‘tricorder,’ and ‘scan’ people with it, announcing the results.100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

The Top 16 Surprises at a Nudist Restaurant

16> Let’s just say that getting wasabi in your eye isn’t the
worst thing that can happen.

15> Sizzling hot-plate dishes served with a side of aloe.

14> Who knew all the chefs at Benihana were Jewish?

13> Turns out silicone repels drawn butter, making lobster bibs
unnecessary.

12> Their claim for “Best Sticky Buns in Town” refers to their
vinyl seats.

11> Paris Hilton banned from entering.  Hey, they’ve
got to maintain *some* standards.

10> The cook steadfastly refuses to budge from his “no bacon”
rule.

 9> You’d be amazed how many straws and extra napkins a
waitress can tuck into a fat roll.

 8> The waiters all wear thong hairnets.

 7> Surprisingly,
it’s easier to choke down snails when you’ve got boobs to look at.

 6> “Waiter, there’s soup in my hair!” frequently heard
throughout the evening.

 5> When you take out your credit card to pay, the
cashier bends over and asks you to swipe it.

 4> The napkin goes *under* your lap.

 3> Waiters no longer have to take the soup back to the
kitchen in order to get their revenge.

 2> Thanks to its extended “sneeze” guard, the salad
bar looks like the popemobile.

 1> “I beg your pardon, sir — I thought you were
signaling for the check.”

            
[  The Top 5 List  
www.topfive.com  ]             
[   Copyright 2005 by Chris
White    ]

The Top 13 Rejected TV Cowboy Names

13. Petticoat Marv

12. Heidi Ho: Frontier Flatbacker

11. Diarrhea Dan – The Fastest Shot In The West

10. “Tin Man” Starr: U.S. Marshall and his sidekick, Clint N. Stain

9. “Three-Legged” Dirk

8. Three-Fingered, make that “Two-Fingered”, well, wait a minute now…. ah, hell — The Leprosy Kid

7. Nurturing Smith and His Trusty Sidekick, Cherish

6. Gene-DMC, the Rappin’ Cowboy

5. Richard Van Deibel, Cowboy Massage Therapist

4. Ole’ Dirty Cowpoke

3. Bat Masturbationson

2. Cowboy Spice

1. “Pedophile Bob” and His Singin’ Pocket ‘O Jerky

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

The Top 16 Rejected McDonald’s Slogans

16> Tastes Just Like Real Food!

15> We Love to See You Waddle

14> Screw Jenny Craig

13> We Are Legally Obliged to Tell You That Grimace Is a Convicted Sex Offender

12> America, Your Weight Is Over!

11> Same Crap, Same Prices — Just Keep Buyin’ It, Tubby

10> Two All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions, Britney’s an Insatiable Screaming Nymphomaniac Who Barks Uncontrollably When She Gets It Doggy Style

9> Open Wide, You Lemmings

8> Wipe Your Chins, McLardbutt

7> Go Ahead and Sue Us, Tubby — Your Bad Eating Habits Put Seven of Ray Kroc’s 19 Grandkids Through Law School at Harvard

6> Spill a Coffee and WIN!

5> Relax, PETA — That Ain’t Really Chicken

4> Super-Sizing Americans Since 1954

3> You Don’t Want to Waste Away Like That Subway Guy, Do You?

2> You Deserve a Wake Today

1> I’m Shovelin’ It

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

The Top 15 Signs a Stuntperson Is Over the Hill

15> Suffers a fatal heart attack when startled by the director’s shout of “Action!”

14> Doesn’t mind working while totally engulfed flames, claiming it helps her arthritis.

13> A high-speed Rascal chase isn’t quite what Mr. Tarantino had in mind.

12> The only explosions he sees these days are inside his Depends.

11> A delighted sound editor realizes he won’t have to overdub the sounds of bones breaking after all.

10> Still drives his exploding car off a cliff, but now does it with the turn signal on.

9> Needs constant re-takes of his plunge from the hotel balcony because his dentures keep flying out.

8> His pre-stunt preparation includes a hot cup of tea, some stretching exercises and a quick peek at his good-luck photo of Teddy Roosevelt.

7> Once-thrilling car chases now reduced to a Cadillac Fleetwood going 17 mph.

6> The director decides to let Wilford Brimley do his own stunts.

5> He’s the film’s only Tour de France biker with a huge front tire and a tiny rear one.

4> Politely suggests that “2 Fast 2 Furious” could use a few Studebakers.

3> Has to be rushed to the ER for injuries sustained in the pie-fight scene.

2> Thanks to budgetary constraints and some late-starting Metamucil, that impossible-to-reshoot skydiving sequence just got your film an NC-17 rating.

1> She lands on the mattress 20 seconds before her breasts do.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

The Top 14 Signs You’re at a Bad Air Show

14. It’s running way behind schedule after 2 1/2 hours of blimp stunt flying.

13. While loop-de-looping over the audience, the “Amazing Olestra Wingwalker” leaves some accidental “vapor trails.”

12. Highlight of show is flyover by TelStar Model XC29-3 Communications Satellite .

11. The only Stealth Bomber is someone in the crowd who obviously had a burrito for lunch.

10. You’re watching the show from a ski-gondola in the Italian Alps.

9. “Blue Angels” run around the runway with their arms out in a line making motor noises with their lips.

8. Low-flying daredevil aerobatics accompanied by the lilting strains of “Rocky Mountain High.”

7. For the kids: free balloon rides with master balloonist Steve Fossett.

6. Hey! Is that a rope around Peter Pan’s waist?

5. Final score: Girl Scout Skeet Shooting Team 3, Blue Angels 0

4. “Fifi the Wing-Walking Poodle” has tell-tale nail holes in her feet.

3. Skywriting exhibition consists of the letter “I” and a lower case “l”.

2. “Stealth fighter” exhibit looks suspiciously like an empty field.

1. “Flying Tigers” show turns out to be 37 stray kittens and a catapult.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Silly Signs

  • Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
  • Bargain basement upstairs.
  • Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
  • Horse manure per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself.
  • After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
  • This is the gate of heaven. enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)
  • We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
  • The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
  • Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
  • Slow cattle crossing. no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
  • Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
  • Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
  • Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
  • Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
  • Elephants please stay in your car.
  • For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
  • The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
  • If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
  • We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesn’t work)
  • Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.

Thoughts to ponder

1. Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.3. One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.7. I doubt, therefore I might be.8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.10. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.13. A fool and his money are soon partying.14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?22. If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?25. Why is it called the tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?26. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?27. Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?28. What was the best thing before sliced bread?29. If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?30. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?31. Do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?32. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?33. Is a shell-less turtle homeless, or just naked?34. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?35. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?36. If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?37. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?38. Is there another word for synonym?39. Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?40. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?41. If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?42. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking, and thereis no woman around to hear him….is he still wrong?43. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide….is it considered a hostage situation?44. If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?45. Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.46. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Top 10 Best Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher

1.After slugging down six Shirley Temple’s in 10-forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to “take me to hell.” His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit.

2.Wesley gets gang-banged by a group of female Klingons.

3.Riker gets carried away executing an order from Piccard to “knock the little snot around a bit.”

4.Data catches him jacking off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment.

5.Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired and commits suicide.

6.Wes gets gang-banged by a group of male Klingons.

7.On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.

8.In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. …Wesley’s head explodes. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining.

9.Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean out the photon tubes….Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few.

10.Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as “tribble stuffing,” not realizing that tribbles multiply _anywhere_. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.

How to be Annoying

  • Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
  • Drum on every available surface.
  • Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  • Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  • Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
  • Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
  • Set alarms for random times.
  • Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
  • Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  • Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
  • Honk and wave to strangers.
  • Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
  • Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
  • Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
  • Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music”.
  • Leave someone’s printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
  • Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  • Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  • Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  • Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
  • Light road flares on a birthday cake.
  • Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  • Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
  • Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”.
  • Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  • At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  • Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”.
  • Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
  • Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  • Drive half a block.
  • Name your dog “Dog”.
  • Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
  • Ask people what gender they are.
  • Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
  • Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”.
  • Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes.”
  • Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
  • While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  • Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.
  • Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  • Change your name to Jane Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
  • Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  • Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Mow your lawn with scissors.
  • Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy”.
  • Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as “sticky wicket isn’t cricket.”
  • Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a “magic picture”.
  • Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
  • Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
  • Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
  • Never make eye contact.
  • Never break eye contact.
  • Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  • Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.