Category: top lists

13> Well, *something’s* controlling the little people inside that big box.

12> Plumbers can’t find source of that blood leak.

11> Every morning your 14-year-old son wakes up in a pool of what appears to be ectoplasm.

10> There’s red stuff oozing from the walls, and even though it *is* the old Heinz family mansion, you’re still plenty freaked.

9> Note on fridge: “GET OUT!!! (and we’re out of Dijon mustard)”

8> You live alone, yet when you sing in the shower you get back-up vocals in four-part harmony.

7> Jerry Garcia is always demanding the last slice of pizza.

6> Every night at midnight, your dog starts whining and licking your hand and– wait a minute, YOU DON’T HAVE A DOG!

5> The toilet’s talking in tongues.

4> Bloody body parts on floor spell “Get out!” And you’re pretty sure that when you left them they spelled “Try and stop me!”

3> The trash takes itself to the curb every Thursday morning when it knows damn well that trash day is Wednesday.

2> The source of that squeaky noise? Squirrels in tinfoil hats.

1> The eyes in that creepy portrait follow you across the room, down the hall, through the garage door, into the car, and buckle themselves into the passenger seat.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number

9.) You pull the legs off your hamster so you’ll have a tribble.

8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.

7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.

6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th Century looking for a whale.

5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T. J. Hooker and Captain Kirk.

4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say “Star Trek? Isn’t that the one with Luke Skywalker?”

3) You have no life.

2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.

1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.

16. PVC crack pipes

15. Howard Sterno

14. AK-47 Semi-automatic glue gun

13. Stud-Muffin Finder

12. DermAbrade 9000 Acne Remover! Fits most popular belt sanders.

11. Martha Stewart Terracotta Torque Wrench Cozy

10. Pee Wee Herman light switch plates

9. VladCo Electric Impal-O-Matic

8. Richard Simmons “Spackling to the Oldies” video

7. Lewinsky Leaf Blowers

6. The TurboBidet 2000

5. Time-Life’s “So, You’re A Moron With A Workshop” Books

4. Caulk Rings

3. The Hair Club for Men (attaches to your head to deter would-be toupee thieves)

2. Goose Tape

1. “Hoe House” shag-carpeted tool sheds

16. Kevorkian Krunch — dying for some chocolate?

15. Spittles

14. The 100,000 Peso Bar

13. Hershey’s Hickeys — when Kisses just ain’t enough…

12. Reese’s Peanut Butter D-Cups

11. Buttafucofinger

10. Rocky Mountain Oyster Pops

9. Prunettes — for the mature Raisinette lover

8. Malted Mothballs

7. Boutros-Boutros Bon-Bons

6. Pepsodent Patty

5. Phlegm & M’s

4. Leper Bears — melt in your mouth AND in your hands

3. Boogerfinger

2. That Ain’t Nougat!

1. Zits Ahoy

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN 1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was bilingual 3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK 1. He called everybody “brother” 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.FOUR PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH 1. He went into his father’s business 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin. 4. His Mother was sure he was God.THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He worked in the building tradesTHREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot 3. He started a new religionTHREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH 1. He never got married 2. He was always telling stories 3. He loved green pasturesTHREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN 1. He had to feed a crowd, at a moment’s notice, when there was no food 2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it 3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

1. So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mend. Here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

4. You’ve announced that you’re gay, won’t that be a laugh, when they find out you’re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don’t fret about it, she moved in with me.

7. You totalled your car and can’t remember why. Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?

:Top 10 things that sound dirty at the office but aren’t:10. I need to whip it out by 59. Mind if I use your laptop?8. Just stick it in my box7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!5. HMMMMMMMMMMM…..I think it’s out of fluid!4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.3. It’s an entry-level position.2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?1. It’s not fair……I do all the work while he just sits there.

12> Richard Hatch starts wearing a Speedo.

11> You momentarily consider taking refuge in a theater showing a David Arquette movie.

10> You tried to write your name in the snow and it took the fire department and four ambulances to get you free.

9> You’ve lost half a dozen friends to trip-and-shatter accidents.

8> Look at that photo of Janet Jackson *very* closely.

7> Donald Trump’s hair is re-zoned as a homeless shelter.

6> Strangely, you don’t mind sleeping next to Hillary.

5> It’s a downright relief to be in a nice, warm jail cell compared to that icy spider-hole.

4> That’s no lawn ornament — that’s the paperboy!

3> Fire department rescues of people stuck to metal poles were up 40% in schoolyards and 75% in strip joints.

2> Your door has been blocked by snow for three weeks, and you live on the third floor. In Phoenix.

1> Your testicles just sent you a postcard from Miami.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

I’d love to, but…

1 I have to floss my cat.

2 I’ve dedicated my life to linguini.

3 I want to spend more time with my blender.

4 the President said he might drop in.

5 the man on television told me to say tuned.

6 I’ve been scheduled for a karma transplant.

7 I’m staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.

8 it’s my parakeet’s bowling night.

9 it wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.

10 I’m building a pig from a kit.

11 I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.

12 I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

13 there’s a disturbance in the Force.

14 I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

15 I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.

16 I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.

17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

18 I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.

19 I’m planning to go downtown to try on gloves.

20 My crayons all melted together.

21 I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

22 I’m in training to be a household pest.

23 I’m getting my overalls overhauled.

24 my patent is pending.

25 I’m attending the opening of my garage door.

26 I’m sandblasting my oven.

27 I’m worried about my vertical hold.

28 I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

29 I’m being deported. 30 the grunion are running.

31 I’ll be looking for a parking space.

32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.

33 the monsters haven’t turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.

34 I’m taking punk totem pole carving.

35 I have to fluff my shower cap.

36 I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

37 I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.

40 I have to fulfill my potential.

41 I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.

42 it’s too close to the turn of the century.

43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

44 my subconscious says no.

45 I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

46 I left my body in my other clothes.

47 the last time I went, I never came back.

48 I’ve got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.

49 I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters.

50 none of my socks match.

51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

52 I’m having all my plants neutered.

53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.

54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.

55 I’m making a home movie called “The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator.”

56 I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.

58 I’m touring China with a wok band.

59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

60 I never go out on days that end in “Y.”

61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.

62 I’m running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.

63 I just picked up a book called “Glue in Many Lands” and I can’t put it down.

64 I’m too old/young for that stuff.

65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.

66 I have too much guilt.

67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.

68 I have to draw “Cubby” for an art scholarship.

69 I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.

70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

71 I feel a song coming on.

72 I’m trying to be less popular.

73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.

74 I have to bleach my hare.

75 I’m waiting to see if I’m already a winner.

76 I’m wriding a love letter to Richard Simmons.

77 you know how we psychos are.

78 my favorite commercial is on TV.

79 I have to study for a blood test.

80 I’m going to be old someday.

81 I’ve been traded to Cincinnati.

82 I’m observing National Apathy Week.

83 I have to rotate my crops.

84 my uncle escaped again.

85 I’m up to my elbows in waxy buildup.

86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.

87 I’m having my baby shoes bronzed.

88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.

89 I’m going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.

90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

91 having fun gives me prickly heat.

92 I’m going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.

93 I have to jog my memory.

94 my palm reader advised against it.

95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.

96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.

97 I prefer to remain an enigma.

98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .

99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.

100 I’m trying to cut down.

101 … well, maybe.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

14> Burger King — Fiber’s for weenies!

13> Taco Bell — Feeding potheads with the munchies for $1.50 for 30 years.

12> KFC — We’re NOT a rap group, dammit!

11> Popeye’s — Buy your chicken from a *real* cartoon character, not an animated dead guy.

10> McDonald’s — Did somebody say McBypass?

9> McDonald’s — New cooler coffee!

8> Domino’s — If you’re too wasted to drive, we’ll bring your food to you!

7> Der Wienerschnitzel — Now with 15% less pig rectum.

6> KFC — Hey, don’t give your money to those racist bastards at Denny’s!

5> Starbucks — Now with 0.9% financing on the new Quad Macchiato

4> Taco Bell — Yo tengo flatulence.

3> Wendy’s — If Dave doesn’t give a rat’s ass about his cholesterol, why should you?

2> Taco Bell — Working around the clock to invent new ways to combine the same 5 ingredients.

1> KFC — It’s KFCN’ awesome!

15> Mouth T’rap

14> Hip-Hoperation

13> Notorious B.O.G.G.L.E

12> Nosecandyland

11> Trivial Police Pursuit

10> Shizzutes and Lizzadders

9> East Coast/West Coast Risk

8> Baby Got Backgammon

7> Scrabble, Extra Z Edition

6> Parcheesi My Neezy

5> Bitchionary

4> Horny Horny Hip-Hos

3> The Game of 25-to-Life

2> P. Diddlywinks

1> Hell No, I Ain’t Sorry, Bee-Yotch

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

• You’ll be perfectly safe behind this lead shield
• That’s not smoke, that’s steam
• Of course it’s sterile
• We should have enough gas to make it to higher ground
• The IRS expects you to cheat. Everybody does it !
• It’s so tame, you can put your head in its mouth
• Relax, I can get ya outta this easy. No sweat !
• It was fresh just last week
• These are the safe kind of mushrooms
• It should be OK to swim in
• He’s been a perfectly safe driver, ever since the accident
• My wife’s not at all jealous. We have an “open” marriage
• Clip the red wire first
• These Jury trials never last more than a day or so
• It’s unplugged, go ahead and remove the cover
• It’s OK to format this disk
• They don’t bother tourists, their economy depends on us
• It’s supposed to make that noise
• That law’s been on the book for years; they don’t even enforce it
• It doesn’t look like the bridge is out
• Besides, they only attack when they’re hungry
• The boss won’t mind; anyway, he’ll never know
• It shouldn’t take long to reach the Airport from here
• I’m sure I turned my lights off
• I bet I can fit in there
• The law requires regular safety inspections, don’t worry
• Hey! Relax! I’ve done this hundreds of times
• That’s only a puddle, go ahead, keep driving
• He’s bluffing ! That’s a toy gun
• Don’t worry, I’m always bringing people home for dinner
• Let me assure you, this operation is routine
• Those warning labels are only to avoid lawsuits
• I’ve seen it done on TV HUNDREDS of times