Category: top lists

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor. 9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass. 8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of denture-burn.” 7. Granny found cuffed to her walker. 6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints. 5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice. 4. Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith. 3. You’ve just seen the photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of the May issue of Hustler. 2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies. 1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for “doggy style”.

15> Your head lice have constructed condos and are beginning to sell time-shares.

14> Your dog cautiously rolls his flea collar across the room to you.

13> Not only do women say they’d rather be dead than sleep with you, two actually set themselves on fire to make their point.

12> The EPA declares your pants a toxic Superfund site.

11> Neighborhood children take great joy in writing “Please wash me!” in the filth on the back of your neck.

10> Each time you shower, the terror threat level goes down one color.

9> You’ve been permanently banned from the local fish market.

8> When you try to head the soccer ball, it just sticks there.

7> The good news: A co-worker politely tells you there’s something in your beard.

The bad news: It’s a bird’s nest.

6> Pamela Anderson just dumped you for the garbage man.

5> That pesky Odor-Eaters marketing department guy keeps calling, claiming you can be “the Michael Jordan of smelly feet.”

4> You’re awakened from a sound sleep by your cat’s valiant efforts to bury you.

3> Your soap doesn’t just lather, it boils.

2> You easily thwart vampires with the garlic smell emanating from your underwear.

1> Congress is currently deadlocked on allowing oil drilling in the region they’ve dubbed “Jim’s Ass Pimple #3.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Forget this!” and walk out triumphantly.

16> The only people involved with the show who are wearing enormous, feathered headdresses are the lighting guys.15> Audience members are clamoring for you to sing something from “back when you didn’t suck.”14> Crowd cheers wildly at the sudden appearance of Blue Man Group.  The problem is that you’re with Cirques du Soleil and those are actually the Amazing Plastic-Bag-on-the-Head-for-Too-Long Brothers.13> Distracted by some cherries jubilee, Ann-Margaret bites a waiter in the jugular during her “Kitten With a Whip” routine.12> The mob, not caring for “Johnny Wallenda’s Italian Humor Revue,” relocated your show to the hotel roof and renamed it “The Flying Wellenda — One Night Only!”11> No matter how many times you count, there is still an *odd* number of breasts on stage.10> After removing the blindfold, you notice that the front-row patrons aren’t covered with bits of watermelon, but with turtle guts.9> As if it weren’t bad enough that your big-budget, three-act extravaganza was written and directed by the Wachowski brothers, Keanu is your lead dancer.8> Danny Gans is ill and his stand-in, Danny Glans, is doing his impression of a snail in a German army helmet.7> Your “Lena the Stripper Magician” act leaves you precious few places to secrete the disappearing doves.6> You just don’t understand why sales for your “Bob Hope/Art Carney/John Ritter New Year’s Eve Comedy Spectacular” aren’t booming.5> A slight scheduling mixup results in Lennox Lewis’ 10-second knockout of Meat Loaf.4> A berserk Penn Jillette is dragging you across the stage by your throat and you can’t scream without breaking character.3> You ate an apple too close to show time, and people did *not* pay to see Celine Dion look like a snake that just ate a pig whole.2> Thanks to your hair-lipped costume designer, the chorus girls showed up with pastries on their breasts.1> “For my next trick, I’ll need a volunteer from the audience! You… yes, you, sir… come right up here on stage. What’s your name?”    “Attorney General John Ashcroft.”             [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]             [   Copyright 2003 by Chris White    ] 

• I want to spend more time with my blender.
• The man on television told me to say tuned.
• It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
• I’m building a pig from a kit.
• I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
• There’s a disturbance in the Force.
• I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
• I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
• I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
• I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
• My plot to take over the world is thickening.
• I have to fulfill my potential.
• It’s too close to the turn of the century.
• I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
• I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
• I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
• I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
• I’m trying to be less popular.
• I have to study for a blood test.
• I have to rotate my crops.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

15> Put out a plate of Girl Scout cookies at her 11th birthday party, then told everyone she’d spent all morning baking.

14> Failed to have her people whack Cybill Shepherd before she could star in that terrible NBC biopic.

13> Dressed a 7-Eleven hot dog with Grey Poupon and mango salsa.

12> Didn’t use the melon baller on her weaselly little stockbroker when she had the chance.

11> Tarragon in bouillabaisse? ARE YOU *MAD*, WOMAN?!?

10> On one occasion, in a momentary lapse, allowed her cold stare to rise to above 32 degrees.

9> Dedicated an entire show to sphincter-tightening exercises.

8> The Danvers Opening was expected, but then attempting to transform it into a Gunderam Attack was just suicide!

7> Sent a congratulatory case of champagne to Sammy Sosa when he hit his 500th home run.

6> Once disciplined staff with a white garotte after Labor Day.

5> Forgot that it’s red wine with illegal stock trading, white wine with accounting fraud.

4> Giant floral centerpiece on her dining room table is made entirely of old, unpaid parking citations.

3> Accidentally voted for Buchanan in ’00.

2> Spent many wasted years pining away for Richard Chamberlain.

1> Wore a camouflage dress to her high school prom.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m so sure you can hear me thinking. ” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

1. “And I thought they smelled bad…on the *outside*!”

2. “Possible he came in through the south entrance.”

3. “I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?”

4. “Hurry up, golden-rod…”

5. “That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.”

6. “But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm…”

7. “Control, control! You must learn control!”

8. “There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.”

9. “Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?”

10. “I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!”

17> New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your
family.

16> Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

15> Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the
last beer.

14> In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

13> Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

12> Local police save money by making your house a precinct
substation.

11> Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, “A Menendez Family
Christmas.”

10> Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.

 9> Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and
kicking a toaster around the house.

 8> Your son informs you he doesn’t care to be your
cellmate anymore.

 7> You have to buy separate Mother’s Day cards for
each of Mom’s personalities.

 6> Family discussions usually begin with, “Put the gun
down.”

 5> You *finally* get your work published in a major
newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.

 4> Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads
a passage from Penthouse Forum.

 3> Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead
of roast turkey.

 2> Didn’t make today’s Top 5 List?  Dad holds
ya, Mom beats ya.

 1> No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a
meth lab.

            
[   The Top 5
List     
www.topfive.com   ]             
[   Copyright 1996, 2005 by Chris
White   ]

The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash16> Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister’s window. Wait. 15> Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you. 14> The ‘Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts’ from worthless stock certificates. 13> Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup.12> Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait. 11> Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you’ve been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police. 10> Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner 9> Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics. 8> Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he’s a weenie *and* his stocks tanked. 7> Hold a ‘Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez’ meeting at your Miami apartment. 6> Tie yourself to Marv Albert’s career. 5> Jump from the top of Janet Reno. 4> Urinate into the Times Square electronic stock ticker. 3> Sneak up quietly behind a bear, carefully place both hands on its rear haunches, and attempt to get some eye-for-an-eye revenge, if you know what I mean. 2> 1)Chair; 2)Chains; 3)Eyelid props; 4)The Jenny McCarthy Show. and the Number 1 Way to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash… 1> Ponder the fact that Gates the Geek won’t even miss the $1.75 *billion* he lost today, until your head implodes.

• On a cardboard windshield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place”
• On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
• On a package of Fisherman’s Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as a substitute for human companionship.
• On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
• On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
• On a cup of McDonald’s coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
• On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
• On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
• On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
• On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
• On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
• On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.
• On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
• On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
• On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
• On a calendar: Use of term “Sunday” for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
• On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
• On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
• On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
• On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
• On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
• On children’s alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

The Top 16 Worst Fortune Cookie Fortunes16’What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren’t enough for you, tubby?’15’Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops.’14’Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt.’13’It takes a tough man to make tender chicken from a cat.’12’You will meet a tall, dark man, not a stranger, who will kill you. He will kill Ron also.’11’This coupon good for free 1-year subscription to Windows Sources magazine.’10’Today’s dog in alley is tomorrow’s moo goo gai pan.’ 9’Spouse mad at you. No get special ‘wonton pork’ tonight, Chester.’ 8’Patron who mocks waiter’s accent will unwittingly consume chef’s bodily fluids.’ 7’A wise man tips 20% to avoid severe tire damage.’ 6’An 87 year old hooker awaits you. Alright, let’s see you add ‘…between the sheets’ to that one, smart guy.’ 5’Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application.’ 4’Hope you enjoyed your dinner, Mr. Bond.’ 3’Wipe that drool off your chin. That waitress you’re ogling is Mr. Woo’s number one son.’ 2’Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck.’ 1’Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup.’