Category: top lists

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

2. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

4. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition – even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.

5. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

8. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

10. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

11. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

12. Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

13. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

14. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

15. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

16. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

17. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.

19. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

20. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

22. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

24. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

25. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

26. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

27. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

28. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

29. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

15> Mayor Ryan Seacrest emcees the yearly Village Idiot festival.

14> You celebrate the Fourth of July in May, when the weather is nicer.

13> Anyone can easily bypass security at City Hall by dressing like Mayor McCheese.

12> The high school valedictorian? Jessica Simpson.

11> The locals don’t believe in the teaching of education in the schools.

10> Schools and offices close on the third Monday in January to commemorate “Billie Jean King Day.”

9> Revitalization hopes seem to be pinned on the planned TopFive Stadium.

8> Despite protests from the community theater folks, the city council recently banned thespian weddings.

7> The town’s pride and joy: the world’s only aquatic sports center/waste treatment plant.

6> Standardized tests suggest that the entire population does disgusting things with pencils.

5> Half the citizens are still preparing for Y2K, “just in case.”

4> Despite 857 deaths in the past decade, St. Patrick’s Day is still celebrated by leaving all the traffic lights on green.

3> Town stationery bears the official slogan: “Proud Birthplace of Woody Harrelson.”

2> In the 2000 presidential election, the entire population mistakenly cast their votes for Rutherford B. Hayes.

1> This week’s double feature at the Bijou: “Dumb and Dumber” and “Dumb and Dumber.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

12> Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge — Life Savers’ Five Flavors of Terror Alertness

11> Britney Spears and Madonna — Breath Savers

10> Giorgio Armani — Italian Dressing

9> George Bush — Boggle

8> Robert Downey, Jr. — Super Shootin’ Smacks, the Intravenous Breakfast Cereal

7> Arnold Schwarzenegger — Kleenex Tissues With Lotion

6> David Beckham (circa 2034) — Old Spice

5> Ted Williams — Sub-Zero Freezers

4> Michael Jackson — Mr. Potato Head

3> Bob Dylan — voice recognition software

2> David Crosby — seed catalogs

1> Kevin Bacon — Sixth Degree Geneology-Tracking Services

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

• A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
• Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
• You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
• My grandmother’s 90; she’s dating a man 93. They never argue: they can’t hear each other.
• At my age, “getting a little action” means I don’t need to take a laxative.
• I have my 87th birthday coming up, and people ask me what I’d most appreciate getting. I tell them: a paternity suit. (George Burns)
• As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb, I find that I care less and less, who goes to bed with whom. (Dorothy Sayers)
• Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
• Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home. (Phyllis Diller)
• Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
• Don’t take life so seriously … it’s not permanent.
• Despite the cost of living, it’s still quite popular.
• The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (Milton Berle)
• Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.
• If you’re old enough to know better, you’re too old to do it.
• The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
• Time wounds all heels.
• You’re getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
• You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.
• You’re getting old when tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
• You’re getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don’t know till the 4th of July.
• You’re getting old when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.
• You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
• I’m getting just like my great-grandchildren — wearing diapers and using a walker.
• The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
• Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
• It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
• You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
• Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
• My uncle reads the obits every day. He can’t understand how people always die in alphabetical order.
• Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Your “to do” list includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks. They’re the ones that never get crossed off.

You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

You refer to your dining room table as the “flat filing cabinet.”

You’re paying $50 a month for 50 TV channels, but watching less TV than ever.

You get all excited when it’s a weekend and you can wear sweats to work.

All you want for Christmas is … a cell phone battery that lasts all day.

A “half day” at work means leaving at 5 p.m.

Your dream Saturday night is a bath, a bathrobe, a good book and lights out by 10 p.m.

You either eat out of vending machines … or at the most expensive restaurant in town.

You dream of a week’s holiday … to clean and organize your desk.

14> Spending 50 days at a psychiatrist’s office and having himself declared officially insane.

13> Remaining in suspended animation until Ben and J.Lo are married, either to each other or someone else.

12> Finding a few non-journalists who actually give a damn.

11> Attempting to set a new record for bitch-slapping Donald Trump.

10> Spending a week in a room full of cameras without seeking publicity.

9> Free-diving the depths of his own narcissism.

8> Attempting to live for six weeks eating nothing but tidbits combed from the beards of the ZZ Top guys.

7> Getting laid without resorting to magic.

6> Surviving three weeks nestled in Elizabeth Taylor’s cleavage.

5> Pulling his head completely out of his ass.

4> Going trick-or-treating in Harlem while dressed as a pointy-headed ghost.

3> Attempting to free-climb Anna Nicole Smith.

2> Holding his breath until his 15 minutes are up.

1> Flying solo, non-stop around the world, suspended from his inflated ego.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order- takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).

When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

Attempt to take the order-takers order (“Hi, may I take your order?”) before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e., “Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please”.

In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they’ll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Drive through with a carload of naked people.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to “check out the babe”.

All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.2. Ahh, it’s cute.3. Who circumcised you?4. Why don’t we just cuddle?5. You know they have surgery to fix that.6. It’s more fun to look at.7. Make it dance.8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?10. It looks like a night crawler.11. Wow, and your feet are so big.12. My last boyfriend was 4″ bigger.13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it.14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?17. Oh no, a flash headache.18. (giggle and point)19. Can I be honest with you?20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.21. Let me go get my tweezers.22. How sweet, you brought incense.23. This explains your car.24. You must be a growing boy.25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.27. Are you one of those pygmies?28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?29. Every heard of clearasil?30. All right, a treasure hunt!31. I didn’t know they came that small.32. Why is God punishing you?33. At least this won’t take long.34. I never saw one like that before.35. What do you call this?36. But it still works, right?37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.38. It looks so unused.39. Do you take steroids?40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?45. Aww, it’s hiding.46. Are you cold?47. If you get me real drunk first.48. Is that an optical illusion?49. What is that?50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your French fry.51. Were you neutered?52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.53. Does it come with an air pump?54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.55. Where are the puppet strings?56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.58. Never mind, why bother.59. Is that a second belly button?60. Where’s the rest of it?~submitted by drewie*

12> If you have a 12-inch recker, all you’ve got is a toy tow truck.

11> Lowercase and uppercase P have the same look and feel. What schizo designed the R set?

10> You can’t spell “Hurricane List” without R. Case closed.

9> At the edge of a cliff, imagine how much more satisfying it would be to *Push* Limbaugh.

8> P gets first dibs on Q’s stereo when the alphabet finally gets around to evicting him.

7> When P sponsors Sesame Street, it’s pretzels, popcorn, potato chips and pizza. With R, it’s radishes, rutabagas, rice cakes and rhubarb.

6> P is not just a letter. It’s a noun, a verb, a color *and* a flavor.

5> Without P, football players would be throwing asses around the field instead of just patting ’em in the endzone after a touchdown.

4> P. Diddy? Bling bling. R. Kelly? Sing Sing.

3> R doesn’t start to sound funny until you invest in a parrot and have a leg amputated..

2> R is just a P that tagged along when Q did that “let’s add a little tail to an existing letter and act like we’re all new and different” thing. Poseur.

1> When has “penis” ever lost out to “rationality”?

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

20> Brussels Sprouts19> Cannes Openers18> Amsterdam Yankees17> Vienna Sausages16> Belgium Waffles15> Manila Folders14> Czech Bouncers13> New Dehli Catessans12> Buenos Airheads11> Bangkok Suckers10> Dublin Mint Twins 9> Peking Toms 8> Bolivia DeHavillands 7> Seoul Brothers 6> Taipei Personalities 5> Syria Killers 4> Hungary Jacks 3> Iraqi Raccoons 2> Prague Tologists 1> Guadalajara Krishnas

17> You’ve Got Jail!

16> Gone With the Window Treatment

15> Desperately Seeking Souffle

14> Hang ‘Em High, Using Only Dried Flowers, a Plastic Milk Jug and a Glue Gun

13> My Big Fat Butch Cellmate

12> Out of Attica

11> The Seafoam and Ecru Faux-Finished Mile

10> The Longest Yard (of Imported Silk Gingham Fabric That Would Make a Delightful Throw Pillow)

9> The Seven-to-Ten Years Bitch

8> Shivving Miss Doily

7> Martha’s StrangeLunch, or How She Learned to Quit Worrying and Eat Both Her Soup and Her Dessert With the Same Spoon

6> Quiche of the Insider Woman

5> The Shawshank Redecoration

4> Midnight Espresso

3> How Martha Got Her Shiv Back

2> Cool Ham Soup

1> Date Breads in a Duffel Bag

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]