Category: top lists

15> You don’t instinctively panic when someone yells, “We’re going down!”

14> The liquor bottles aren’t the only obviously undersized objects on the flight.

13> Look at those beautiful leather seats! Never mind — that’s just the AARP group returning from Cancun.

12> Three straight hours of the guy next to you asking for help adjusting his seat belt.

11> “Sorry about that turbulence, ladies and gentlemen — my co-pilot grabbed the wrong stick.”

10> “Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned off the ‘No Groping’ sign….”

9> “We’ll now begin pre-boarding for passengers with cups C through D.”

8> You lowered your window shade, but you can still see a full moon. Six of ’em, in fact.

7> Earning Mile High Club membership requires much less strategizing than with other airlines.

6> At meal time, nobody orders the pulled chicken.

5> “… and those of you on the left side of the cabin, if you now look to the right, you can see the towering timber of flight attendant Brian.”

4> The guy next to you won’t shut up about how tough it is to be the only African-American on the Supreme Court.

3> It’s much easier to tell when somebody’s coming down the aisle with nuts.

2> “And now in the left aisle, serving cocktails, come on guys, put your hands together for Taammyyyy*!”

1> Forget flotation devices — after what those seat cushions have been through, you’d rather drown.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

15> Get Your Soul Into Salvation Shape by Summer!14> 10 Sexual Techniques from Buddha for Plus-Sized Lovers13> Communion Wafers — A Carbohydrate Nightmare12> Are You Compatible With Jesus? Take This Quiz!11> Kosher Couture — News About Shoes for Jews10> Meditation: More Than Just Sitting There Thinking About Stuff?9> The Eighth Sacrament: Bikini Waxing8> What Would Jesus Do (About Those Unsightly Hips)?7> New Age Crystal Powers — ‘Cause You’ll Believe Just About Anything6> He Loves Us All — So How Do You Get Jesus to Pay Attention to Only You?5> Evangelism: Doing His Will in a Missionary Position4> Finding the Perfect Crucifix for YOUR Cleavage3> Jesus? Moses? Mohammed? Which Prophet Is Your Ideal Guy?2> 3 Paths to Spiritual Enlightenment — and Slimmer Thighs!1> Worship and Prayer: 2 More Things You Can Do on Your Knees [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.8. Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

* Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.* Kidnappers are not very interested in you.* It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.* If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.* Your eyes won’t get much worse.* Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.* Things you buy now won’t wear out.* No one expects you to run into a burning building.* There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

1) The waterproof towel
2) Solar powered torch
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Waterproof tea bag

• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• My kid had sex with your honor student.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
• I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
• Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
• I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
• Keep honking, I’m reloading.
• Hang up and drive.
• Lord save me from your followers.
• Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
• Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
• I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
• Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
• If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
• Sex on television can’t hurt you… unless you fall off.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

12> Retento, the World’s Most Organized Man

11> The Amazing Horse-Headed Centaur

10> The Pointless and Frankly Downright Embarrassing Comedy Stylings of Carrot Top

9> The Sneezing Sword Swallower

8> Hillary, the Testicled Lady

7> Mighty Mike: Pugilist, Philosopher, Devourer of Ears

6> The Pungent, Not-Quite-Intelligible Sidewalk Orator

5> Scroto and Nad, Testicularly-Conjoined-Twin Trapeze Artists

4> The World’s Tallest Midget!

3> Spasmini, the Epileptic Knife Thrower

2> Jacko, the Facially-Self-Mutilating Baby-Dangling Pedophile Billionaire Hermaphrodite of Pop

1> The Clinton-Swallowing Intern

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

13. Best Supporting Performance — (TIE) Catherine Zeta Jones’s bra in “The Mask of Zorro” and Salma Hayek’s bra in “54”

12. Dan Quayle Continuing-Butt-Of-The-Joke Award — Pauly Shore

11. Best Use of a “Beard” — Tom Cruise

10. Best Endorsement of Button-Fly Jeans — Ben Stiller, “There’s Something About Mary”

9. Best Attempt to Convince the Public That *Anyone* Actually Watches MSNBC — “Deep Impact”

8. Excessive Perkiness Most Likely to Cause Diabetes — Meg Ryan

7. Best Exaggerated Use of Abundant Cleavage — Jennifer Love Hewitt

6. Special Texas Chainsaw Massacre Memorial Award for Special Effects — “Saving Private Ryan”

5. Best Ongoing Celebrity Scam — The accountants from Price-Waterhouse are sad to report that they cannot reveal the winner in this category due to an injunction from the Church of Scientology.

4. Most Improved Appearance When Depicted as a Cartoon Insect — Woody Allen

3. Best Performance by a Sharpei — Walter Mathau

2. Most Successful Combination of Male Nightmares in a Movie Title — “Shakespeare in Love”

1. Best Product Placement — America Online in “You’ve Got Mail”

Best Product, um, Placement — Ben Stiller’s goo in “There’s Something About Mary”

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com]

12> Wimpy — “I’d gladly pay you Tuesday for a hummer today.”

11> Foghorn Leghorn — “Ah say, boy, ah say, you’ve got it all wrong. Those little chickens you’ve been chasing around are roosters. What you want is a big ol’ hen, like me.”

10> Bart Simpson — “Eat my shorts, ma’am!”

9> Batman — “Wanna help to dispel those nasty rumors about me and the Boy Wonder?”

8> Speedy Gonzales — “Senorita, it’s just a nickname!”

7> Pepe LePew — “But, mon cherie — I don’t smell any worse than anyone else in France.”

6> Ross Perot — “I’m worth $4 billion.”

5> Porky Pig — “L-L-Let’s go back to my place and f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-f-f-fu… hump.”

4> Popeye — “I’m strong to the finish ’cause I takes Viagra!”

3> Pinocchio — “Hey, I *am* a woody!”

2> Underdog — “My heart is for you, my Polly, dear; You are pure and true, can I sniff your rear?”

1> Tweety Bird — “I wuuuv to eat putty!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

16> You just paid $3.99/minute for the phone sex girl to tell you she has a headache.

15> The provisions you ordered to modify your outfit for the next Star Trek convention are on back order, your mom’s boyfriend says you have to start paying rent for the basement, and your rating on amihotornot.com just went to a -18.

14> Despite your world-class beauty, you wake up every morning next to a

guy named Billy Bob.

13> Gas for minivan Mom lets you borrow to get to part-time job at XXX Videorama: $10

Odor-eaters: $2.95

Waking up on your 38th birthday to realize you’re NEVER getting laid: priceless!

12> The rent-to-own place turned down your lava-lamp rental request because of your credit rating.

11> You realize you *really* should have had that green rash examined — as your penis falls with a plop into the toilet.

10> You’re unanimously voted out of the Outback — the Outback Steak House.

9> The closest thing you’ve had to a date recently was rubbing Vicks VapoRub on Grandma’s chest.

8> Just as you’re pulling into your driveway, you realize you already rented “Young Einstein” on Beta last month.

7> After two hit TV series, the friggin’ paparazzi still refer to you as “Mr. Streisand.”

6> Even though you’ve inherited millions, you can’t get that lingering 90-year-old-geezer odor out of your hair and clothes.

5> The good news: the collision wasn’t your fault. The bad news: O.J.’s getting out of the other car.

4> Get out of bed, eat, commute, work, commute, eat, get in bed — you take comfort in the pleasant symmetry of your life.

3> The only way you’re getting screwed tonight is if AOL drops the connection while downloading your Top 5 List.

2> You’re not even a sailor, but you finally realize your lifelong dream to drive a submarine. Then….

1> Your Saturday night: “C’mon, boy. Yesssssss… that’s right. Good boy — look what we have. Yessssss. For youuuuu. Now let me see… where is that old can opener? Where could it beeeeee? Here it is! Okay, here you go! Yessssss… doesn’t that look yummmmmmy?”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]