Category: top lists

• If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
• Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
• It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
• If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
• Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it’s done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
• There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
• Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
• Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shutup.

15> Now which one of you is the backstabbing slut and which is the brainless gossip who doesn’t know when to shut up?14> Outfitting the guest room in style: Smoked-glass mirrored headboard on the queen-sized waterbed and 90-thread-count NASCAR sheets.13> Frisking them for weapons every half hour.12> Offering to help the guys repaint their living room a color that’s a little less gay.11> Relying too heavily on the purty mouth family of comments.10> Staring down their blouses while saying in a low voice, You got any biscuits in there?9> Surprising his buddies by bringing out a lovely Super Bowl halftime luncheon of pickled okra and watercress finger sandwiches. On Hello Kitty plates.8> Shooting Jodie Foster.7> Nice try, there, sweetheart — but let me show you how we professionals roll a burrito down at Taco Bell.6> Look, can we skip all this small talk and just get down to doing shots? I don’t know how much longer I can stand you all sober.5> No, we haven’t had sex yet — or as we call it in Klingon, ‘nga’chug.’4> When playing charades, pointing emphatically at one of them as your clue, then revealing that the secret phrase was butt-ugly conniving money-hungry skank-ass ho.3> Singing the lyrics to Styx songs in pig Latin.2> Privately confiding you’ve been knocking at her back door, but she won’t answer.1> Presenting them all with friendship bracelets woven from your own pubic hair. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

From the Top5 list at http://www.topfive.com12> The danger element seems to be missing in “Stefan Erwin — Lhasa apso Hunter!”11> It’s about your 14-year-old daughter, and appears to have been filmed with a camcorder from your neighbor’s window.10> Narrator can’t keep from giggling during dung beetle mating sequence. 9> “The Making of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze” just barely touches on Vanilla Ice’s role in the movie. 8> Harsh lullaby of the Savanna marred by overhearing Pirates of the Caribbean next door. 7> Dramatic reenactment of The Battle of Midway sullied by shampoo bottles and panty hose hanging from the towel rod. 6> You find yourself wishing another Priceline.com commercial with Bill Shatner singing would come on. 5> “Sensing that danger is lurking near his cubicle, the Top5 contributor minimizes Solitaire on his desktop and reveals his spreadsheet camouflage.” 4> Too much plot and dialogue, not enough hot monkey-love. 3> Sound effects for the battlefield re-enactments consist of Emeril Lagasse shouting “Bam!” repeatedly. 2> “Here, in its natural habitat, the Big Mac seems no more deadly than your average order of fries.” 1> Tonight on the Discovery Channel, John Woo’s “Caterpillars of Fury.”

1. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 (or Code Brown) in Swimwear,” and see what happens,

2. Turn all the radios to a polka station; then turn all of them off and crank the volume to “10”.

3. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

4. Put M&M’s on layaway.

5. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them if they bring pillows from Bed & Bath.

7. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

8. TP as much of the store as possible.

9. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone”?

10.Take an entire aisle of toys up by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI Joes vs. the X-men.

11.Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible”.

12.Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

13.Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.3. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, jerk.”

13. “Mitzi the Kitten Goes Postal”

12. “Armageddon ’98” — A giant chunk of Bill Gates’s wallet breaks loose and threatens to destroy the earth!

11. “Starring Kevin Costner!”

10. A gigantic bolt of inter-stellar chintz hurtles toward to earth threatening to drape the entire planet in *last* year’s color.

9. “Coffee Shortage!”

8. Mysterious geological forces speed up the Earth’s rotation, flinging everybody off into space — except a group of research scientists in Antarctica, who just get incredibly dizzy.

7. “Acnephobia” — Where will the next one pop up?!

6. “Starbuck Wars” — Luke Warmwater uses the Dark Roast to save the galaxy from over-priced espresso

5. “Flat Grape Fanta!”

4. “Parmageddon” — Desperate chefs race to prepare a mammoth bowl of pasta to thwart a mile-wide cheese boulder hurtling toward Earth.

3. “The Day the List Stood Still”

2. “Killer Bugs” — Handsome computer programmers endure 12 hour work days, risking Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, to save Earth (and a group of buxom supermodels) from deadly bugs from Galaxy Y2K.

1. Fran Drescher in: “Megaphone!”

• The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
• You were born somewhere else.
• You know how to eat an artichoke.
• The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
• Your car has bulletproof windows.
• Left is right and right is wrong.
• Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
• Your mouse has only one ball.
• You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
• You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
• You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
• You drive to your neighborhood block party.
• Your family tree contains “significant others”.
• Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.
• You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
• You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
• More than clothes come out of the closets.
• When “the Dead” are best live.
• You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
• More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
• Smoking in your office is not optional.
• You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
• When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must “do lunch”.
• Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
• Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
• You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
• You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
• A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
• When all highways into the state say: “no fruits”.
• All highways out of the state say: “Go back”.

[Punctuation and spelling belong to the authors, not the editor.]16> I THINK THAT THOSES SAYINGS ARE PREVERTED.15> Yeah, I own a civilian AK. I own a civilian AR. And a buncha other toys.14> [1st message] it is not a notion you moron, it is called the 2nd Admendment to the Constitution…..enough said. [2nd message] ok I feel stupid, I misspelled amendment, DOH!13> Every opinion provokes an equal but opposite opinion, whether you want it to or not.12> Making fun of a pack of squealing girly-men’s pwecious wittle guns is sure to attract dozens upon dozens of quasi-coherent Randyan rants and buffoonish threats to water the apparently parched Tree of Liberty with gallon’s of one’s blood. 11> YOU HAVE ALREADY VIOLATED MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT BY TELLING ME NOT TO WRITE AND NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY 2ND AMENDMENT RIGHTS AS WELL10> Didn’t know you were a bunch of liberal pansies.9> Do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?8> There may not be a vast gobal conspirocy to ban guns, […]7> I’m leaving your Top 5 list because I think you’re a pinko bastard.6> Go f**k yourself you moron.5> Bite It. Stupid people who don’t seem to rember if it wasn’t for guns then ythis country would not be here today.4> Another point is that if I write a sentence of the form, Because blah blah blah, X You can’t say that because of the exact nature of the blah, blah, blah, not X, or Y was meant instead of X. 3> If you aren’t prepared to eat your neibor’s cat, you aren’t prepared.2> I do not condone anyone for their choices.1> I tell you what buddy I own tons of guns and I kill poor little defensless animals and I happen to have a huge Pecker. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999, 2004 by Chris White ]

15. Pee Wee Herman: Duck into an adult movie theater… huh?… Oh, *heat*??… Nevermind.

14. Robert Downey, Jr. only breaks into houses with pools.

13. George Clooney: Crushed ice in the ol’ bat-codpiece.

12. Marlon Brando: Lay on the beach until a crowd gathers to pull you back into the water.

11. Tim Allen and Kelsey Grammer: Vodka Frappuccinos.

10. O.J. Simpson: Enjoy the chilly stares and icy receptions.

9. Axl Rose: Four gallons of crank and a couple hookers usually does the trick.

8. Tori Spelling: Install intracranial fan to keep air circulating.

7. Enjoying a nice palm frond fan by otherwise unemployed Pam Dawber.

6. Menage a trois with Ice Cube and Ice T.

5. Michael Jackson has another layer of skin removed.

4. Playing Frisbee with Burt Reynolds’ toupee in the shade of Dolly Parton.

3. Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman: Lighten that heavy purse at the nearest Scientology deposit box.

2. Frank Gifford: Find hotel near the sea. Remove pants.

1. Pamela Anderson Lee: Drain saline. Replace with Slurpees.

Restroom GraffitiThe best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open. —-Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL – (not far from a major medical school)Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. —-Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, ILIf you can piss this high, join the fire department. —-On the wall in the men’s restroom at a height of 6 feet. O’Ryan’s Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.Beauty is only a light switch away. —-Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. —-Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. —-Armand’s Pizza. Washington, D.C.Remember, it’s not, ‘How high are you?’ it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’ —-Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? —-The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. —-The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.No matter how good she looks, just remember: some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. —-Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.To do is to be. – Descartes To be is to do. – Voltaire Do be do be do. – Frank Sinatra —-Men’s restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. —-Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. —-Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.Make love, not war. – Hell, do both, get married! —-Women’s restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.God is dead. – Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. – God —-The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. —-Revolution Books. New York, New York.A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. —-Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.JESUS SAVES! But wouldn’t it be better if he had invested? —-Men’s restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! —-Men’s restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

10. We’ll pick your pocket and steal your heart.

9. If our strippers don’t smile, the next lap dance is free.

8. We break more laws by 9 AM than most cities do all day.

7. Come explore our mysterious puddles.

6. It’s the city that never sleeps and rarely bathes.

5. Twice the fun and three times the crack.

4. We love to grope and it shows.

3. Food, folks, and felonies.

2. Yes that’s a revolver in our pants, and yes we are happy to see you.

1. New York: the Gateway to Newark.

• “Filthy Stinking Rich… Well, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”
• “Real Men Don’t Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair”
• “I Used Up All My Sick Days… So I Called In Dead”
• “Husband and Cat Lost… Reward for Cat”
• “Be Nice to Your Children… They’ll Pick Your Nursing Home”
• “Husbands Should Come With Instructions”
• “Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time”
• “Even If You Lead a Good Life, Go to Church and Say Your Prayers, You’ll Still Go to Des Moines When You Die”
• “I Want It All and I Want It Delivered… Now ! “
• “Life Is Hard; Then Your Not Here “
• “Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same”
• “I’m Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man… I’ve Been Practicing Since 1949”
• “Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton”
• “Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt”
• “Learn from Your Parents’ Mistakes… Use Birth Control”
• “60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts… Make Offer”
• “If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees”
• “If You Can Read This…Kiss A Teecher”
• “A Nest Isn’t Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic”
• “That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!”
• “Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
• “My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink”
• “I Yell Because I Care”
• “If You Remember the ’60s, You Weren’t Really There”
• “Procrastinate Now”
• “Rehab Is for Quitters”
• “Re-Elect Nobody”
• (Across a drawing of a skeleton) “Waiting for the Perfect Man”
• “My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse… He Couldn’t do Better and I Couldn’t Do Worse”
• “My Dog Can Lick Anyone”
• “Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups”
• (On a baby-size shirt) “Party – My Crib – Two A.M.”
• “I Don’t Suffer from Insanity…. I’m a Carrier”
• “El Nino Made Me Do It”
• “The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley”
• “I’m Not 50. I’m $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling “
• “You Who Think You Know It All Are Damn Annoying to Those of Us Who Do”
• “I Am the Person Your Parents Warned You About”
• “The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity”
• “I’m Not Getting Older….I’m Getting Meaner “
• “That Was Zen; This Is Tao”
• “Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word”
• “Aliens Have Examined My Internal Organs “
• “It IS As Bad As You Think, and They ARE Out to Get You”
• “I’m on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I’ve Lost 15 Days”
• “Why Is ‘Abbreviation’ Such a Long Word?”
• “There Are Three Kinds of People… Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can’t”
• “Familiarity Breeds”
• “Proofread Carefully to See If You Any Words Out”
• “Your Kid May Be an Honor Student, But You’re Still an idiot”
• “When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS”
• “Sometimes I Fantasize That I’m Rich Enough to Be a Republican”
• “I Killed a Six Pack Just to See It Die”
• “A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing But Mean Your Mother”
• “Disregard Last T-Shirt”
• “I Do Whatever the Voices Tell Me to Do”
• “I’m Retired and This Is As Dressed Up As I’m Gonna Get”
• “Growing Old Is Mandatory… Growing Up Is Optional”
• I’m Not 50–I’m 18 with 32 Years Experience”
• “Parents of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young”
• “My Wife Says I Don’t Listen to Her…Well ? “
• “Over the Hill? What Hill? I Didn’t See Any Hill!”
• “I’m Not Unemployed… I’m a Consultant”
• “All I Ask Is That You Try Me “
• “Goodbye Tension… Hello Pension”