Category: top lists

9. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.

If you aren’t in this age bracket, then you can at least laugh at those of us who are……………….

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

You could sing “99 Red Balloons” in English and German.

You’re starting to believe that maybe having kids go to school year-round wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.

You did the LeFreak with Chic.

“All-skate, change directions” means something to you.

In high school you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play “1999” by Prince over and over again.

You wore anything Izod, especially collar up, or the windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around you waist.

You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were really cool.

You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper video.

You actually know who Rick Springfield is.

You rode in the back of the station wagon and faced the cars behind you in the “tail gunner” position.

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you were educated.

You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

You had a poster of Bo, Luke or Daisy Duke.

There was nothing to question about Bert n’ Ernie living together.

Knickers and leg warmers were cool.

You ever wanted to learn to play “Stairway to Heaven” on the guitar or you choreographed “Dancing Queen” by yourself in your room.

You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.

The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during “Crazy for You” by Madonna.

You ever used the phrase “kiss mah grits” in conversation.

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura’s wedding.

You know who shot J.R.

This rings a bell: “and my name is Charlie. They work for me.”

You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed “867-5309” to see if Jenny would answer.

You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

Two words: feathered hair

Your jaw still aches from those “brick-sized” packages of Bazooka gum.

The phrase “Where’s the beef” still cracks you up.

16. Your “Will Act For Food” sign was evidently misread as “Will Act For Fool.”

15. You can trace your character’s lineage directly back to Spicoli in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.”

14. All you were told is that you got a part in a movie, and you play someone more inane than Pauly Shore.

13. You’re irritating, marginally coherent, and comically dressed, yet chicks are diggin’ you.

12. You have numerous sex scenes, but your only speaking line is “Baaaa!”

11. Screen test for part consisted of humiliating fraternity prank involving a hot dog and a flight of stairs.

10. The director asks you, Jim Carrey, Gilbert Gottfried, and Tim Conway to “dumb it down just a little more.”

9. Your body contains more silicon than Deep Blue.

8. You bet your agent that she couldn’t cast you in anything stupider than the “Ernest” series.

7. No male actors over 5′ 4″.

6. You work with your acting coach for weeks to totally nail down the inner character of “Totally Harsh Dude #2.”

5. 20% of budget set aside for “breaking wind” sound effects.

4. After a day’s shooting, you’re beaten senseless in an alley by an enraged Siskel & Ebert.

3. All the extras cover their faces like prisoners on the 6 o’clock news.

2. You’re surrounded by brilliant Shakespearean actors, all of whom have balloon payments due on their beach houses.

1. Daisy Fuentes co-stars as the President of the United States.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

15> Paint butt and town red.

14> Offer a nice, big, banana-shaped object to someone you love.

13> Celebrate getting through my State of the Union address without being distracted by shiny things.

12> Finally learn sign language so you can tell that bitch Koko what you really think of her.

11> Get your stinking paws on a couple of damned, dirty beers!

10> Same as every Year of the Monkey: Watch the giant bunch of crystal bananas fall in Tiananmen Square as the God of Longevity, Dik Kwok, emcees.

9> Call Robin Williams and Ed Asner and offer to give them a good grooming.

8> Slurp a banana daiquiri off of Paris Hilton’s highly evolved body.

7> The heck with Shakespeare — get your friends and typewriters together and submit some hot-monkey-love letters to Penthouse.

6> Telephone Charlton Heston at midnight and coo, “Happy New Year, Bright Eyes!”

5> Get spankin’!

4> 1) Marry Britney Spears. 2) Pick fleas off each other while waiting for the annulment.

3> When at the Dairy Queen, order your banana splits with “more grubs, less poo.”

2> Party ’til you puke. Lap it up. Repeat.

1> Tell your wife that this year it’s got to be frequent, fast and from behind.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

13. Top 5 Reasons Dick Clark’s Hair Is Still Brown

12. Top 5 Signs Adam Sandler is Too Old to be Re-elected President

11. Top 5 Signs Your Galactiball Team Won’t Beat the Ganymede Cosmobots This Astroyear

10. Top 5 Strom Thurmond Campaign Slogans

9. Top 5 Revived Walt Disney Pet Peeves

8. Top 5 Surprises on The Rolling Stones New Tour

7. Top 5 Signs You, Too, Might Be a Distant Relative of William Jefferson Clinton

6. Top 5 Ways To Tell Your Parents You’re Straight

5. Top 5 Benefits of the USA/Microsoft Merger

4. Top 5 Reasons to Pull the Life Support on the 110-Year-Old Olsen Twins

3. Top 5 Signs You Went Outside Without Your 250 SPF Sunblock

2. Top 5 Things You Don’t Want to Find in Your Dinner Pill

1. Top 5 Signs Your Roommate’s Sexdroid is in the Shop

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

13. Her station’s new slogan: “More Talk, Less Clothes!”

12. Her cure for people’s fear of public speaking no longer requires any imagination.

11. Photo on her driver’s license taken by Bob Guccione.

10. Pompous elitist attitude a direct result of the camera making her look 10 lbs. heavier.

9. Her standard on-air greeting: “This is Dr. Laura, and I’m naked.”

8. Now rails on the importance of keeping all nine commandments.

7. “Hello, this is Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I am my children’s hypocritical, adulterous, boney-assed mom.”

6. Her nickname in the studio? “Dr. Bareassinger.”

5. That twirling tassel she uses for hypnosis.

4. She ends your session with, “You know, Hef has a couch just like this.”

3. Insists on being called “Dr. November 1978”

2. Keeps asking, “Does this notepad make my ass look big?”

1. Screams “How ’bout them Yankees?!” every time a caller mentions nude photos.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

13> Anna Nicole Smith goes after ancient treasure as Emma Balmer in “Tomb Dater.”

12> See George Walker Bush as George Herbert Walker Bush in “Once Upon a Time in Iraq.”

11> William Shatner shows terrorists for the bald-faced liars they are as Frank Follicle in “Toupe Beverly Hills.”

10> Ben Kingsley’s done with passive resistance — now MaHotHead Gandhi’s thinning out the bad guys in “The Fasting and the Furious.”

9> David Spade as Sammy the Elf in “I Nailed Mrs. Claus.”

8> Don Knotts is Henry Limpet in “The Ass-Kicking Mr. Limpet: Limpet Lives!”

7> Nick Nolte *is* Al Coholic in “Cider-Man.”

6> McCauley Culkin as Neo in “Matrix, We Are Now Officially Out of Ideas.”

5> From Vice President to adventure hero, don’t miss “Indiana Quayle and the Spelling Bee of Doom.”

4> Gray Davis as Private Sector in “The Terminated.”

3> Pee Wee Herman as Rod Wanker tries his hand at self-espionage in “The Pourne Identity.”

2> Justin Timberlake goes where no man has gone before as I. D. Flowerder in “Breakfast at Britney’s.”

1> Woody Allen one-ups Shaft as Oedipus X in “Mighty Afrodite.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

17. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the hell she is. 2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again. 3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. 5. I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. 6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. 10. I don’t jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Movies simplified15. ‘Pretty Woman’ — ‘I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money’14. ‘Face/Off’ — ‘Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!’13. ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ — ‘I’m Drunk And You’re a Prostitute’12. ‘Interview With The Vampire’ — ‘So, You Are a Lawyer?’11. ‘The Piano’ — ‘Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!’10. ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ — ‘Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!’9. ‘George of the Jungle’ — ‘Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals’8. ‘Scent of a Woman’ — ‘Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!’7. ‘Love, Valour, Compassion!’ — ‘I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It’s Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie’6. ‘Babe’ — ‘The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves Agricultural Problems’5. ‘Twister’ — ‘Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!’4. ‘Field of Dreams’ — ‘Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield’3. ‘Barb Wire’ — ‘Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You’2. ‘Batman & Robin’ — ‘Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy’1. ‘The Crying Game’ — ‘Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!’