Category: top lists

16> VP Dick Cheney says he saw Kerry take 12 items through the “10 Item or Less” lane at the Georgetown Safeway.

15> According to Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa corks his forearms, too.

14> The Sesame Street cast says that Bert’s all-potassium diet is turning him into a walking banana.

13> Britney claims that Christina once uttered the phrase “not tonight.”

12> Whitney Houston’s drug rehabilitation has been put on hold while her doctors argue about whether her entourage are enablers, co-dependents or caretakers.

11> Ralph Nader claims the electoral system discriminates against the megalomaniacally insane.

10> Democratic party leaders Bill Clinton and Gary Hart accuse President Bush of clandestine monogamy and fidelity.

9> Kerry says that although he threw away his combat decorations, as a senior in high school Bush threw his equestrian medals into the large lake behind the family estate to protest the top billing of the school’s football team over the polo team.

8> Rush Limbaugh alleges that Al Franken merely *skimmed* end-user agreements in software he purchased.

7> John Stamos says that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos bogarted all the face creams and bronzers.

6> Terry McAuliffe claims that George W. Bush’s insistence that there is absolute truth is an outright rejection of the entire post-modern generation.

5> Alex Trebek insinuates that Pat Sajak is disregarding the rules by not requiring contestants to buy the “Y.”

4> “The L.A. *Lakers*? Is Los Angeles known for its lakes? Shouldn’t a sports franchise’s nickname at least have some tangential connection to its host city’s unique local culture? We think so. We are the Utah Jazz, and we approved this message.”

3> Producers of “The Simple Life” claim they have video proof that Paris Hilton was *not* a virgin when they hired her for the show.

2> Elton John starts a nasty rumor that fellow adult-contemporary artist Sting once played in a rock and roll band.

1> Mary-Kate Olsen accuses sister Ashley of being a no-talent bimbo trading on her looks.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

13. And the empire of the Great Nerd of the West shall crumble, when the thinking machines are destroyed by two millenniums of insects.

12. The Anti-Christ will lose in personal combat with a small purple purse-carrying being with a triangle on its head.

11. The Empire of the Right shall be led by a simpleton who knoweth not the spelling of the fruits of the earth.

10. Women will take fitness advice from a hyperactive frizzy-haired man of questionable heterosexuality.

9. A man made of wood will lead the great nation of the eagle.

8. Devastation, fire, sword, pillage befalls the Elephant and the two-faced cow known as Linda.

7. In a town known as Slidell, in a place called Louisiana, in a country designated the United States, there will be an eatery referred to as Taco Bell, that will eventually fill a drive-thru order correctly.

6. The one-gloved king of the land known as Pop will form an unholy union with a particularly naughty chimpanzee.

5. A child will repeatedly conquer death, and his name shall be Kenny.

4. Joy and happiness reign supreme as five billion people realize they’ll never again have to listen to a much-despised song by an ex-Prince.

3. Cubs win! Cubs win! Cubs win!

2. A giant, fiery ball will drop from the skies onto the Square of Times in the New City of York, causing much screaming and wailing.

1. As the new millennium approaches, morons will cry out and hoard large quantities of food.

10 – In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on “stun.”

9 – The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter containment unit and a crew of twenty just to go to warp — the Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8 – After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable — after some Cardassian starvation and torture, Picard looked like crap.

7 – Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

6 – Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

5 – One word: lighsabers.

4 – The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.

3 – The Death Star doesn’t care if a world is class “M” or not.

2 – Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

1 – Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter impluse power. Han Solo floors it.

16> Cool beachwear now consists of a Hawaiian shirt buttoned to the neck, Bermuda shorts hiked up to nipple level, black socks and sandals.

15> Dumps Barbie, steals her Corvette, and goes cruisin’ for hot Sailor Moon chicks, Spice Girl dolls and Power Puff Girls.

14> New anatomically correct version has comb-able ear and back hair.

13> Can’t seem to get it up with anyone but Dominatrix Stacie(R).

12> Convertible? Check.

Blonde Bimbo? Check.

Fake Hair? Check.

Hey, Ken’s been middle-aged since 1972!

11> Due to a recent court order, toy stores can no longer stock him within 2 aisles of “Catholic Schoolgirl Skipper.”

10> Young Ken: lack of penis resulted in sexual frustration with Barbie.

Old Ken: lack of penis results in inability to refuse trips to antique store.

9> Sudden existential crisis makes him worry that people perceive him to be plastic.

8> New “Comb-Over Ken” spends hours in front of the mirror trying to figure out how to cover the bald spot with three strands of plastic hair.

7> Protruding gut magically retracts whenever Barbie’s teenage sister Kelly comes around.

6> Bottle of Viagra: $40

Hair transplants: $900

New red Ferrari: $175,000

The look on Barbie’s face when you tell her you’re leaving her for her younger sister, Skipper: Priceless.

5> “I don’t care if it IS the size of a large bagel to you, you’re gonna choke down that blue pill, Plastic Boy!”

4> Lately he’s been lobbying Mattel to make an “American Beauty Edition” Skipper, complete with rose petals.

3> New “Workout Ken” comes complete with a running bra.

2> “Hey Barb, if we get to The Sizzler at 4:00, we can get the ‘Early Bird’.”

1> Bad news: doctor wants to start doing regular prostate checks

Worse news: no visible rectum

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

:1. Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the @#$%? box all day! 2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me. 3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire. 4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese. 5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose. 6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right. 7. Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment. 8. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off. 9. 23 power cords, 1 outlet. 10. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds. 11. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me. 12. Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

15> He likes his Irish coffee like he likes his women: loaded with whiskey.

14> He likes his coffee like he likes his strippers: scalding hot and in his lap.

13> He likes his coffee like a major league catcher likes his privates: in a large, strong cup.

12> I like my coffee like I like my recently deceased Chihuahua: stored in the freezer to lock in freshness.

11> He likes his coffee like a baby likes fruit juice in a bottle: sweet, spill-resistant and something to occupy the mouth when no naked breasts are around.

10> I like my coffee like I like surrealist humor: giraffe.

9> He likes his coffee like he likes his one-night stands: stale, bitter, smoking like a chimney, with a butt-ugly mug.

8> I like my coffee like I like my women: hot. Of course, the difference is I can actually *get* hot coffee.

7> I like my coffee like I like my meddlesome neighbors: ground into tiny bits.

6> She likes her coffee like divorce attorneys like their clients: very rich, very bitter and with lots of grounds.

5> I like my coffee like I like my sex: cheap and frothy, from a girl in a green apron.

4> I like my coffee like Jacko likes his playmates: sweet, aged 8 years and covered with half-and-half.

3> He likes his coffee like he likes his flatulence: made from the finest beans, rich enough to smell from across the room and satisfying to the last “Ah-h-h-h!”

2> She likes her coffee like she likes her Iraqi information ministry: chock full o’ nuts.

1> I like my coffee like Maria Myerson, a girl in fifth grade who gave every boy except me a Valentine, even though I had written her love poems in my own blood every day — ruining me for life, that ungrateful skank prosti– um, sorry… cold, with a bitter aftertaste.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

15. The Jackson Siblings’ Career Slide!

14. Kid Who Played Webster Petting Zoo

13. The Rusty Antique Moonwalk

12. The “Now Hold On Real Tight” Ride

11. The Hall Of Elizabeth Taylor’s Ex-Husbands

10. Sign at park entrance which says, “You must be at least this young to enter.”

9. The “Design Michael’s Face” Computer Graphics Pavilion

8. Michael himself supervises the Lost Children hut

7. Handy “Need a glove, take a glove; Have a glove, leave a glove” boxes everywhere

6. Six Flags, depicting the 6 noses of Michael himself

5. “Candy from a Stranger” concession stands

4. “Touch The Kielbasa” Carousel

3. The Jackson dysfunctional family “get your ass on stage and perform” karaoke bar

2. “Yeah, I’m Tito. You want a churro or not?”

1. It’s A Small Nose After All

How to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped… – You’ve got Windows on your laptop. – Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave. – Your dork is ajar. – Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. – I can see your Gap dancers. – Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson… – Your pod bay door is open, Hal. – Elvis Junior has left the building! – Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. – Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! – Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant! – Lil’ Shaq’s at the free show line. – You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.” – Your closet door is open and Donato’s peeking out. – You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones. – I see you have an opening in senior management. – Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

16> Number of dentists not intimidated by the powerful Trident lobbying committee: 1 out of 5

15> Recommended average inflation pressure for TopFive contributor dates: 100 PSI

Average ACTUAL inflation pressure for TopFive contributor dates: 150 PSI

14> Percentage of “very special episodes” on “Blossom”: 82%

13> Number of votes by which George W. Bush carried Florida:

862 +/- 9301

12> Amount of time it takes the average office worker to ALT+TAB from HoochieWorld.com to an Excel spreadsheet: .052 seconds

11> Ratio of Cheney arterial blockage to Bush synaptic blockage: 1 to 1

10> Chances that Suzi, newly added to your ICQ list, is actually female: 62%

9> Lifespan of a $45 bouquet of anniversary roses: Two FRIGGIN’ days

8> Probability of the new U.S. President doing his Tom Cruise dancing in his Jockies in “Risky Business” impersonation in the Oval Office before 2004: One-hundred-percentiary, dude!

7> Probability that anything will happen when you walk into a room and flick the wall switch:

98% (nationwide)

46% (California)

6> The amount of time Anna Nicole Smith has used up so far: 14 minutes, 59.7 seconds

5> Most frequent odors encountered when meeting Jesse Helms: Tobacco, Brut, Brimstone, Ham

4> Percentage of Americans who have difficulty grasping mathematical concepts: Purple

3> Exact number of dots on the office ceiling at my lousy-ass, dead-end job: 36,783

2> Odds of making the top 5 list without first introducing Chris White to some crisp Franklins: 1 in 104,376

1> Number of Supreme Court justices it takes to screw in a dim bulb: 5

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

15> Nair — Pelt-Away

14> Old Spice — Eau de Grandpa

13> Dr. Scholl’s Corn Pads — Beats BITING Them Off

12> Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion — Sgt. Zipper’s Lonely Hearts
Club “Hand” Cream

11> Trojan Condoms — SkankSafe

10> Wart-B-Gone — Put Down Those Goddam Toads!

 9> FDS — CrotchGuard

 8> Preparation H — SitAgin

 7> Q-Tips — Jam It In! We Dare Ya!

 6> Nyquil — Kid-Booze

 5> Cover Girl Makeup – Covers Ugly Girls Makeup

 4> Tampax — Suck It Up, Missy!

 3> Tom’s of Maine — Gee, Your Teeth Smell Like Pete Moss!

 2> K-Y Jelly — J-O Jelly

 1> Chanel No. 5 — Catbox No. 2

            
[  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]             
[   Copyright 2004 by Chris White    ]

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.