Category: thoughts

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

Why is the word abbreviation so long? How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say “Open here”.What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”? Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? How do you KNOW it’s new and improved dog food? Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores? What do they use to ship styrofoam?

It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

The less attractive you are, the more intelligent you had better be.

Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?Being rich and it don’t mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.No one is listening until you make a mistake.If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! Who’s bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby! Mr. Bigger’s baby because he is a little bigger! Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one? Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?

What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten? If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn’t it become squozen? Why is there only one Monopolies commission? Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn’t it be easier to just hire taller dancers? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?