Category: thoughts

So what’s the speed of dark? Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?Did Noah keep his bees in archives?Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? Why call it “take” a dump, when you leave something behind? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container? Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do radioactve cats have 18 half-lives?

Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says — “objects in mirror are closer than they appear”, how can that be possible?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you’re thinking you only think that you’re thinking. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation? Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adoor?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11? I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver’s side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.I went out today and bought everything I’ve been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons? If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”? Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?