Category: thoughts

Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ? The light went out, but where to ? Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have? Why is it you have a “pair” of pants and only one bra? How come when I call Information they can’t tell me where my keys are?

The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.Two wrongs are only the beginning.The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.A fool and his money are soon partying.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If progress is technology moving forward,then what is congress? Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes? What if C-A-T really spelled DOG? How do “Keep off the grass” signs get where they are? If the plural of “mouse” is “mice, shouldn’t the plural of “house” be “hice”?

Why Isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food? Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs? When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for finals?Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.Did Adam ever said to Eve, “Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!” I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? How can someone “draw a blank”? Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?