Category: the battle of the sexes

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his
place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom
has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man
says, “Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married,
but what’s up – you look so excited.”

The groom replies, “I just had the best blow job I have ever had
in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who
gave it to me.”

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the
biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices
this and says, “Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be
getting married, but what’s up, you look so excited.”

The bride replies, “I have just given the last blow job of my
entire life!”

Sure God created man before woman.

You always make a rough draft
before the final masterpiece

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual
offer:

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you
get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking
all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave
that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the
groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another
woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then
leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a
better offer.”

“I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!””What happened?” asked the friend.”My wife found out…”

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?

– In real life, men aren’t affectionate in bed.

Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their
minds?
A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Why do women call it PMS?
Because mad cow disease was already taken!

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the
urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business,
he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes
and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul,
Bob says, “Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help you�. The man asks, “Can you unzip my
zipper?” Bob says, “OK�. Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?” Bob
replies, “Uh, yeah, OK�. Bob pulls it out, it has all kinds of mold, and red
bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and wreaks something
awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points it for him. Bob
then shakes it, puts it back in, and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, “Thanks,
man, I really appreciate it�. Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong
with your penis?” The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, “I don’t
know, but I isn�t touching it.

A woman went to her doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors,
but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and
ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained.
He had her sit down and relaxes in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter
with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

“Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of Jail”.

Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?”

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,

“I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.”

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said “I brought these.”

The other two were puzzled and asked – “What can you do with those?”

He grinned and pointed to the box and said – “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….

“I finally did it!” the one guy says to the other at the bar, “I packed my bags, and left my wife!”

“Wow,” says the other, “What did your wife do?”

“She helped me pack…”

3 guys die in a car accident, as they are going into heaven, a saint stops them and says to the first man,”were you a faithful husband?”he replies “yes, I never strayed from my wife, I barely even looked at other women”the saint replies, “very good, you can drive this brand new sports car!” he then turns to the next guy and says,”were you a faithful husband?”the second man replies “well, to be honest, I DID cheat once, but I came clean and stayed on the right path and my wife forgave me and we lived happily afterwards.”the saint then says, “very good, you can drive this 1993 sports car” he then turns to the third and asks,”were you a faithful husband?”the third man says, “no, I slept around, never came clean, when I was caught, I wouldn’t fess up and my wife hated me”the saint replies “well, that’s not very good, however, you were a good man besides that, you can drive around this 1983 compact” A few days later, the second and third man were cruising around in the second mans older sports car and they saw their friends nice new sports car parked outside a bar so they pull in. There they see their friend with his face in his hands crying, surrounded in beer bottles, so they walk up to him.”hey, how ya doin’? why are you crying?””I saw my wife today” he replies”hey, that’s great! did you say hello?” the other two men inquired.the first man replies, “no, that’s the problem, I couldn’t follow her onto the bicycle path with my car” — Goodguy