Category: the battle of the sexes

How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.

What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They’re totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be alone. 6. When you want to be alone they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They’re moody. 9. They leave hair everywhere.10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats. ~ ~ ~ ~What is a Dog? 1. Dogs lie around all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone they want to play. 7. They are great at begging. 8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. 9. They leave their toys everywhere.10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats

Q. What’s a man’s idea of a perfect date?
A. A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six-pack.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. “What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively. “Well,” he mused, “I’d say that you’re a lesbian.”

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates, and meets Saint Peter. She says,”I
was supposed to look up my husband when I got here”

Saint Peter says, “What’s his name?”

She replies, “Smith”.

Saint Peter says, “I’ve got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you
narrow it down a little?”

She says, “His name is John Smith”.

Saint Peter says, “I got thousands of
John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?”

She says, “He’s got red hair.”

He says, “I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could
you narrow it down a little?”

She says, “Well, with his last dying breathe he told me to always remain
faithful to his memory, or else he’d roll over in his grave!”

Saint Peter says, “Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!”

America has finally captured Saddam Hussein!
They sprayed a field with Viagra, and the prick stood up!

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart “associate” standing there with dark shades on. She says, “Excuse me sir…can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.” She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, “Thats a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line…It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00”.

She says, “Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”

She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?” He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck all is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.”

It’s Harold’s first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car. They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can’t stand it. Burnett asks, “Harold, it’s none of my business, but why’d you kiss her down there?” Harold says, “You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning.”

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d want to have with dinner.Men are like vacations: They never seem to last long enough.Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.Men are like snowstorms: You never know when they are coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.Men are like linoleum: Lay them once right and you can walk on them for the next 20 years.

Q. What�s a man�s idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.