Category: the battle of the sexes

This guy was sitting in his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.”Give me the bad news first.””Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.””That’s the bad news?” asked the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.””The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

A wife wakes up in the middle of the night and finds her husband sitting on
the bed crying. She asks, “Whets wrong?”
He says, “Remember when your daddy caught us in your room when you were
sixteen and told me I’d have to marry you or he was going to send me to
jail for thirty years?”
She says, “Yeah, but why are you crying?”
He says, “I’d be a free man today.”

How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?

She drops her nail file.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girl
friend he’d have it fixed in no time.

However as it was very cold
his hands kept getting cold. He asked his girl if he could put
his hands between her knees to warm them.

She said that would be
allright. After getting his hands warm he went back to fixing
the tire but it was so cold he could not continue so he again
asked his girl if he could warm his hands.

She again said it
would be allright. When his hands were warm he went back to
fixing the tire once more. But before he been out there five
minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm his hands.

His girl asked “Honey don’t your ears ever get cold?”

It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM
Pacific Standard Time by U.S. Special Forces.

The main suspect of the attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin
Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground tunnel in a deserted
mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that
moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across
southern Afghanistan, and the little prick just popped up!

“I’m hungry.” = I’m hungry.

� I’m sleepy.” = I’m sleepy.

� I’m tired.” = I’m tired.

� Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

� Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

� Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

� May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

� Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!

� You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle you.

� What’s wrong?” = what meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are
you going through now?

� What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

� I’m bored.” = Do you want to have sex?

� I love you.” = Let’s have sex now.

� I love you, too.” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

� Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = I liked it better before.

� Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much
different!

� Let’s talk.” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.

� Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys.

And FINALLY… (While shopping) “I like that one better.” = Just pick ANY
dress and let’s go home!

What do you say to a sorority girl that won’t give in?

“Have another beer.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual
offer. “Look, I�ll give you $100 if you�ll change the wedding vows. When you get
to me and the part where I�m to promise to �love, honor and obey� and �forsaking
all others, be faithful to her forever,� I�d appreciate it if you�d just leave
that part out.”
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the
groom�s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another
woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes�.
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”

The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much
better offer�.

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.” The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.” There was a long pause before Susan replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

Smart man + smart woman = romanceSmart man + dumb woman = pregnancyDumb man + smart woman = affairDumb man + dumb woman = marriageSmart boss + smart employee = profitSmart boss + dumb employee = productionDumb boss + smart employee = promotionDumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Q: Why do women have small feet?

A: To get closer to the sink.