Category: the battle of the sexes

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their
position in life and it’s clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The
first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on
vacation�, and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes�, and
looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much
money and we don’t have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell
you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on
his erect penis.”

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a
confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I
was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my parents
house for two weeks.”

The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes, he
bought me a Plymouth.”

� Well,” the third one says, “I also have a confession to make, canary number
thirteen has to stand on one leg!”

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of
their future. “What will you do if I die before you do?” Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house sharing
situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger
than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?”

He replied, “Probably the same thing.”

Comming home at a quarter of three
I caught my wife cheating on me
I raged, “Who’s this fink?”
She cried with a wink
“I don’t know, It’s a new one on me.”

~~
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I see said the blind man as he was peeing into the wind. It’s all coming back to me now.

What do you call 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba?

Bay of Pigs.

Q. why did michle jackson get food poisoning

A. he ate a 10 yr. old weiner

Q. What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A. When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell.””My dear,” the doctor said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.””The problem is,” she complained, “he keeps waking me up!”

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top
bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, “I’m
sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly get me another blanket�.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better
idea… just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”

The woman thinks for a moment. “Why not�, she giggles.

� Great,” he replies, “Get your own damn blanket!”

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, “Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.”

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?”

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”