Golfing on mothers day

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on Mother’s Day. The men were
quite surprised at being “let go” for the day, and each wanted to know how the
other got away from their wife.

The first man said, “I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so
happy that she let me go.”

The second man said, “I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so
thrilled with me that she let me go.”

The third man said, “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife,
and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,’ and she said: I’ll put your
clubs in the car.’ “

Top 10 Ways to Make Hockey More Exciting

10. Goalie removes an article of clothing for each goal allowed.

9. If the Zamboni goes less than 50 mph it blows up.

8. Canadians must play in bare feet.

7. Replace hockey sticks with live flamingos.

6. Just barely visible under the ice: the frozen body of Walt Disney.

5. At some point in every game – exciting police chase in the stands.

4. Actually have Jason from “Friday the 13th” skating around in his hockey mask trying to kill guys.

3. Instead of an ice rink, a huge red-hot griddle covered in bacon grease.

2. One word: blindfolds.

1. Lose the puck and goals – and make it a 4 period free-for-all.

How to play golf.

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, “I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.”

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, “Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband’s “club”. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing.” She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, “That is unbelievable, I didn’t think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem…
How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?”

Tee Time!

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.

Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system –
“Will the gentleman on the lady’s tee please move back to the men’s tee”.
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.

The Voice again – “Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!”

He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,
“Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady’s tee can hit his second shot”!

Mike Tyson One-Liners

Tyson’s psychologist told Mike to take a year off. He obviously misunderstood.
Good thing he didn’t say two.

Evander after the fight: “Maybe I shouldn’t have told him to ‘Bite Me’.”

Tyson’s favorite football team: the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in
Earie, PA.

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson. Instead of KO, it will be a Van
Gogh. “Evander was Van Gogh-ed in the third.”

Can’t beat um? Eat um.

If Tyson fights Golatta, is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander the “Real Meal” Holyfield!

Before the fight, Mike’s trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfield. Oops,
bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world.

Golfer’s Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. ‘Goodness,’ says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.Upon awaking, the little guy says, ‘Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.’The man says, ‘I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,’ and walks away.Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, ‘Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.’Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.The leprechaun says, ‘I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?’The golfer says, ‘It’s great! I hit under par every time.’The leprechaun says, ‘I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?’The golfer says, ‘Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.’The leprechaun smiles and says, ‘I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?’The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, ‘Well, maybe once or twice a week.’The leprechaun is floored and stammers, ‘Once or twice a week?!’The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, ‘Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.’