Category: sports

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.

Murphy’s Laws of Martial Arts Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts: The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you’re up against him. The referee will always be looking the other way when you score. The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick. The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques. If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker’s father will be a lawyer. After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat. After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam. In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours. No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it’s your turn.

Top 10 things that sound dirty in golf but aren’t10. Nuts….my shaft is bent.9. After 18 holes I can barely walk8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.7. Look at the size of his putter.6. Mind if I join your threesome?5. Stand with your back turned and drop it.4. Keep your head down and spread your legs a little more3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.1. Hold up…..I need to wash my balls first.

One sunny day Jesus, Moses and a small, elderly man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it ended
up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and when he got
down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball onto the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the water
hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball
onto the green.

The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then a
big fish swallowed the ball and began to swim away. A hawk swooped down and
grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly off. As the hawk passed over
the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball to pop out of
the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into cup.

Jesus then turned to the old man and said, “Look Dad, if you’re going to play,
play fair.”

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match,
with a $100 bet on the side. “But,” said the duffer, “since
you’re obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have
to spot me two ‘gotchas’.”

The golf pro didn’t know what a ‘gotcha’ was, but he went along
with it.

And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were
amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

“What happened?” asked one of the members.

“Well,” said the pro, “I was teeing up for the first hole, and
as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my
legs and grabbed my balls while yelling ‘Gotcha!’ Have you ever
tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second ‘gotcha’?”

2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits, Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes. paul said, (Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,) Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat….to mark the spot…. With that paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.

Why did the Packers tear up the end zone after a Vikings Game?

There was too much “Moss” in it!

Have you noticed that the “Super Bowl” this year sounds more like the “Condom
Bowl”?
Titans vs. Rams.

A man and his wife were driving through country on their way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

“What can I do for ya’ll?” asks the attendant.

“Fill `er up with high test,” replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.

“What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.”

“Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “This, my boy. It is a 1998 Cadillac DeVille.”

“What all’s it got in it?” asks the attendant.

“Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine.”

“Wow,” says the attendant, “that’s really something!”

“How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver.

“That’ll be $30.17,” says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

“What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant.

“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver.

“Wow,” says the attendant, “Those Cadillac people think of everything!”

What has 18 feet and catches flies?
A Baseball Team

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class
was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with
informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the
plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking
is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time
to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”