Category: sports

Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there’s no way to know for
sure
because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over
from, say, right field, to deal with it. She’s been on the team for three
seasons now, but the males still don’t trust her. They know, deep in their
souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant’s life, she
probably would elect to save the infant’s life, without ever considering
whether there were men on base. – Dave Barry, “Sports Is A Drag”

* Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered
acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
* President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18
inches from TV camera.
* IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.
* Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by
a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners – Hey, wait a minute…

* Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest,
meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
* Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
* January 20: Inauguration ceremonies. January 21: FDA approves
over-the-counter sale of steroids Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask
and cape out of the house.
* During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a
folding chair.
* Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.
* Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
* Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
* Before: Mr. Vice President.
After: Stone Cold Al Gore .

What do the Pope and the Rams both appearing in the St. Louis Trans World Dome have in common?

They both feature 3 million people saying ‘Jesus Christ!’

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that ?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”

Harald Brattbakk’s wife wanted him locked up – she had had enough of the
eejit.
So she went to the police and told them: “Please Help, my husband has
been hitting me.”
The Police gave sound advice: “Ma’m, don’t worry. Just carry a goalpost in
each hand – I guarantee he’ll never hit you.”

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don’t stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.
Don’t take extra strokes.

Andrew came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers,
Justin, noticed his condition and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, “Oh, nothing, really. It’s just an old hockey injury that acts
up once in a while.”

Justin remarked, “Gee, I never even knew that you played hockey.”

“No, Justin, I don’t,” replied Andy. “I hurt my leg last year when I lost $500
on the Stanley Cup play-offs – I put my foot through the television set.”

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

Q: How do you know a leper is playing ice hockey?
A: There’s a ‘face-off’ in the corner.

Two Irish tram managers promised their players a 1 pint of Guinness for every
goal they scored during an important match. The final score was 119-98.

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big
animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and
at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play,
the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for
no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the
elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true
ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from
those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some
appealing provisions:

1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the
fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such
veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the
club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the
erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical
phenomena.

2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a
tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should
estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree
and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near
the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else.
It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by
charging himself with a penalty stroke.

4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may
be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any
case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since
it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his
shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would
be out in two.

5. If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a
position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on
the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the
law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go
sideways. This violates the laws of physics).

6. A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments as,
“You could blow it in” . . . may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the
ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a
travesty of the game.