Category: sports

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter and starts again.
“Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he continued writing in his notebook.
“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy said.

“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets.
“What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Cowboys fan.” the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
“Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!”

15> The Sun Also Makes Me Rise

14> Invasion of the Bodice Snatchers

13> The Liar, the Bitch and the Wardrobe Malfunction

12> Dude, Where’s My Bra?

11> Tit-antic

10> From Justin to “Whoa, Nelly!”

9> Jiggly

8> There’s Something About Mammary

7> My Big Fat Publicity Stunt

6> Justin Scissorhands

5> North Dallas 34C

4> O Brassiere, Where Art Thou?

3> The Sawskank Malfunction

2> Run, Lola, Run — and Rewind the TiVo!

1> The Best Little Tornblouse in Texas

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department
store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world – you could get
anything there.

The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”

“Yes, I was a salesman in the country,” said the lad. The boss liked the
cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you
when we close up.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came
around.

The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”

“One” said the young salesman.

“Only one” blurted the boss, “Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?”

“One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars” said the
young man.

“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.

“Well,” said the salesman, “this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably
need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that
twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen
probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department
and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.”

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”

“No,” answered the salesman. “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him,”Your weekend’s fucked, you may as well go fishing.”

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheep from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded!

When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. “You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

A Tallahassee area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the
embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was
lying on the table.

Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss,
he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement
there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out, and
immediately heard, the Florida State Chop song come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the
cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. “Sir, you’ve got to
come down and help me, I’ve just seen something I can’t believe.”

Annoyed by the naivet of his assistant, he said OK and followed him
downstairs. “There, look at the cork in the ass of that body, I
couldn’t imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please
you do it.”

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked
to the table and removed the cork. Then the Florida State Chop song
started playing.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to
his assistant and said: “What’s so surprising about that. I’ve heard
thousands of assholes sing that song.”

What does a teakettle and a cheerleader have in common?

When they get hot there both perkey.

16> Tom Brady ripping off his jersey to reveal Patriot-logo pasties.

15> Newborns apparently aren’t the only things Jackson family members like to dangle in front of large audiences.

14> Counting Kid Rock and Justin Timberlake, there were actually THREE boobs exposed.

13> Nelly’s tearful admission that his constant crotch-grabbing is an unfortunate consequence of genital herpes.

12> Not to be upstaged by Janet Jackson’s missing costume, P. Diddy performed without any talent.

11> Live footage from the Panthers’ locker room of Howard Dean’s rabid halftime speech.

10> Teenaged boys the world over spent the entire third quarter in the bathroom.

9> Janet Jackson was convinced that if the world saw her exposed breast, there would be six more weeks of winter.

8> Justin Timberlake being immediately awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for alerting security to the presence of a ninja assassin who could have taken out half the crowd with her concealed throwing star.

7> With a chance to put it away, Justin Timberlake decided not to go for two.

6> Kid Rock’s neck is actually more of a rusty cinnamon hue.

5> That was actually Michael’s nose covering Janet’s nipple.

4> P. Diddy being introduced as “His P’ness.”

3> That streaker? A hopelessly lost Richard Hatch.

2> John Ashcroft frantically rushing around draping curtains over 90 million TV sets.

1> Move over, Britney! America has a new First Skank!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Why don’t the Amish water ski?
The horses would drown.

16> The air is filled with the gentle “twang” of pulled groin muscles.

15> 48 states dealing with shortage of hookers and cliches.

14> Police abandon strict enforcement of harsh “No Pepper” laws.

13> A lonely Marge Schott once again combs Florida bars for an eligible White Supremacist to bed.

12> South American drug cartels shift to round-the-clock production schedules.

11> Bat construction industry shifts from “spouse beating bats” to “baseball bats.”

10> Business up 4000% at the Ft. Lauderdale Hooters.

9> Morganna the Gumming Bandit is sighted doing wind sprints.

8> Thirty injured in whirlwind created by frenzy of sports reporters sucking up to Ken Griffey, Jr.

7> El Nino floodwaters: clear. Tobacco juice floodwaters: brown. It ain’t rocket science, Chester.

6> Pete Rose sends Hall of Fame voting members the FTD “Let-Me-In” Bouquet.

5> The Florida Marlins trade Gary Sheffield for Harry Caray.

4> Your hubby can’t get aroused unless you “bend over and sweep home plate” first.

3> Stadium hot dog vendors gleefully skim the scum off last year’s weenie water.

2> Dwight Gooden finally begins to stir from his New Year’s Eve stupor.

1> George Will’s sphincter relaxes to nearly-human dimensions.

Lineup:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry

THEY’RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a
dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It’s Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Dick is making a final drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:
It’s Big Dick giving everything he’s got and Passionate Lady takes
everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust
and wins by a head…
Bare Belly shows…
Thighs weakens…
Heavy Bosom pulls up…
& Clean Sheets never had a chance.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.

“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?The champire! Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?Paul gas coin! Manager: I’ll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year’s time?Young player: OK, I’ll come back in a year’s time!Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?Captain: Well, it could have been worse.Manager: How?Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!