Yours Fun Portal !
1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.
2. Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!”
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, sir!”
3. Golfer: “My wife says if I don’t stop playing golf she’s going to leave me!”
Caddy: “I’m sure you will miss her terribly, sir!”
4. Golfer: “Well caddy, do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.”
A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears
ripped off. Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing
Rugby for good. His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money
went his way.
One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear
business. He bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line,
realised that he knew nothing about business. He decided to employ someone to
run the shop.
The next day he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew
everything he needed to and was very enthusiastic. At the end of the interview,
the former rugby player asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
And the man replied, “Why, yes, I couldn’t help noticing you have no ears.”
The rugby player got angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first
guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anythingdifferent about
me?”
She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” He got upset again and showed her
the door.
The third and last interview was with the best of the three. He was a very
young man fresh out of college. He was smart and handsome and seemed to know all
about the sportswear business.
The Rugby player was anxious, but went ahead and asked him the same question:
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the young man answered: “Yes, you wear contact lenses.”
The former rugby player was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant
young man you are.
How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well,
it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no flipping ears.”
Three hunters decided if they got separated or lost, they would use the
yodeling cry “oh-lady-hoo” to help locate each other. One hunter got lost and
yelled “oh-lady-hoo” until he was hoarse but to no avail.
When it began to get dark, he gave up trying to find his friends, saw light at
a nearby farmhouse, knocked on the front door and asked the farmer if he could
stay the night.
“No problem,” he said, “I’ve got a spare room you’re welcome to use.”
Toward morning, the hunter was awakened by the farmer’s young daughter as she
slipped into his bed. In no time at all they were going at it hot and heavy and
in a few minutes she had an orgasm. Her cries of ecstasy soon brought an angry
father into the bedroom.
He had a loaded shotgun and said to the hunter, “You better get dressed real
fast ’cause you and me are going down to the barnyard to see if you can haul ass
fast enough to outrun a load of buckshot!”
As soon as they reached the barnyard, the frightened hunter took off like a
scalded cat, jumped high in the air to clear the barnyard fence, thought of his
missing friends, yelled “oh-lady-hoo” and instantly received a full load of
buckshot in his rear end.
As he lay on the ground bleeding profusely, the farmer walked up and said, “I
know my daughter pretty well and had my mind halfway made up not to shoot. But,
when you yelled, ‘I got the old lady too,’ that changed my mind real quick.”
Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. Throw away a hundred dollar bill – now. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $
8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing.
why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
because the referee blew for a fowl
One day a man was golfing when he forgot what hole he was on.
So he went up to the women in front of him and said “Miss im sorry to bother you but i seem to have forgotten what hole im on could you help me?”
The lady in reply said “yes im on the 5th hole and your one hole behind me so you must be on the 4th.”
The man said thanks and went on playing.
Later it happened again so he went to the lady and asked her what hole he was on and she said” Im on the 12 hole and your one hole behind me so you must be on the 11th.
Again the man said thanks and went on playing.
Later after the man had finished golfing he went to the clubhouse to get a beer when he saw the lady sitting at the bar. He went up joined her and started a conversation.
He asked her what she does and she said “im a saleswoman.
Suprised he said i am too
He asked her what he sold and she said if i told you you would only laugh he said no i wont i swear.
so she said “I sell tampons”
with that the man fell to the floor laughing and she said “see i told you you would laugh and he said “Im not laughing because of that Im a toilet paper salesman so Im still one hole behind you.”
How many jokes would you have read if you didnt waste your time looking at this?
This husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from
a heart attack.
“Please dear, I need help!” she said.
The husband ran off saying, “I’ll go get some help.”
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his
shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I’m
may be dying and you’re putting?!?”
“Don’t worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and
help.”
“The second hole? When in the hell is he coming?” she gasped in pain.
“Hey ! I told you not to worry,” he said, as he practiced stroking his putt.
“Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through.”
Why can’t girls play hockey?
Because they have to change their pads every period!
One evening, three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite
sport would be. The first decides on football, because of all those gorgeous
guys bending over in their tight pants.
“Definitely wrestling,” sighs the second gay guy. “Those skimpy little
costumes, and think of the holds!”
“Definitely baseball,” says the third gay guy.
“Why?” asked the other two guys.
Well, I’d be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a line drive
right to me. I’d catch it, and I’d just stand there while the other guys rounded
the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, ‘Throw the
ball, you c**k-sucker!’ And, that’s what I like – The recognition.”
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I
want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say, “I’d run over my own mother to
win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over
Joe’s mom, too.”
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football
should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on
all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss
goodbye.”
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the
team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto
the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m going to send the injured
reserve players out for the toss next time.” (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at
Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15
hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)
There is a Yankee fan, a Red Sox fan, a Marlins fan and a Cubs fan climbing up to the top of a mountain talking about how loyal they are to their team, and how they would do anything for them.
Once they reach the top of the mountain the Marlins fan screams, THIS IS FOR THE MARLINS” and jumps off. The Cubs fan screams “THIS IS FOR THE CUBS” and he too jumps off of the mountain.
Finally the Red Sox fan screams, “THIS IS FOR EVERYONE” and pushes the Yankee fan off!