Category: sports

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation
takes place.

First Guy: “You guys have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
golfing today. I had to promise my wife that I’d build her a new deck for the
pool.”

Second Guy: “You’re lucky. I had to promise my wife that I’d paint every room
in the house next weekend.”

Third Guy: “You guys have it easy. I had to promise my wife that I’d remodel
the kitchen for her.”

They continue to play the hole when they realize that the fourth guy hadn’t
said anything. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to
do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30AM. When it goes off, I turn it off,
nudge my wife and say “Golf course or intercourse?” She says “Don’t forget your
sweater.”

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.” “No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

For all you baseball fans…

Warning: Explicit…

Baseball’s Guide to Love

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends? “Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!” Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure.

Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What’s a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe sexual activity. But let’s face it, there are more than four stages in today’s day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the “Standardized Guide to the Bases”.

First, let’s examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:

— First Base–

This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

–Second Base–

Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

–Third Base–

Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

–Home Run–

This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado…

Standardized Guide to the Bases!

–On Deck–

Having plans for a date

–Strike-Out–

Duh!!

–Walk–

Kissing

–Bunt–

Masturbation

–Single–

Tongue kissing

–Double–

Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels

–Triple–

Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation

–Inside the park home run–

Oral Sex

–Home Run–

SEX!

–Ground Rule Double–

would have sex, but no condom

–Error–

condom breaks during sex

–Banned for life for gambling–

sex without condom

–Hall of Fame–

Marriage

Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

–Balk–

Premature ejaculation

–Pine Tar–

KY kelly

–Relief pitcher–

Vibrator

–Rain Delay–

parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

–Box Seats–

Waterbed

–Seventh Inning Stretch–

Unusual positions

–Rookie–

Virgin

–Minor Leagues–

Under 18

–Loaded Bases–

manage a trois

–Grand Slam–

Sex four times in twelve hours

–Foul tip–

VD

–Three up and three down–

impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity.

OLD WAY- “We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.

NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it’s hall of fame time.

NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and helps you out.

Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?

$ Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes
$178,100 a day, working or not.

$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
sugarplums dance in his head.

$ If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550
while he’s there.

$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.

$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

$ He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 hours.

$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

$ He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at
8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you ‘d be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.

$ He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics,
and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.

$ This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents
for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn’t it? However…

$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have
less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.

What lights up a football stadium?A football match! If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?Cornflakes! Why aren’t football stadiums built in outer space?Because there is no atmosphere!

A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only
muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they
called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team.
During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he
knocked the ball out of the park.
“Run!” his teammates cried. “For Pete’s sake, run!”
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. “I jolly well shan’t run,” he
replied. “Why should I? I’m perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball.”

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run….run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!” The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!” All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, “He doesn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, “Walk with pr-r-ride man!”

Have you heard that Holyfield-Tyson III is going to be held in Tennessee?
Don King’s calling it the Chattanooga Chew Chew.

15> Although he never bet on the Reds, he did sometimes bet while *on* reds.

14> Actually earned the nickname “Charlie Hustle” while working the streets in Times Square.

13> Was once married to Britney Spears for 18 hours.

12> Enjoys sipping tea while listening to the comforting sounds of Zamfir.

11> Secretly believes the Fab Five on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” are gay.

10> Rose is really his middle name.

9> Before returning to his “Moe,” once tried a “Larry” hairstyle during spring training 1987.

8> During games, he’d pick his nose and wipe it on his uniform. The location of the booger told his bookie how to place his bet.

7> It was all an undercover operation to allow Pete to infiltrate secret Al-Qaeda sports-betting cells.

6> Stated that he never bet on the Reds to lose, but often bet on them not to win.

5> Once lost $100,000 in a beard-growing contest — to Marge Schott.

4> Lost a bundle betting Michael Jackson would stop after nose #3.

3> To increase his base-running speed, he replaced his humerus, ulna and radius bones with cork.

2> Once slid head-first into a Sizzler salad bar.

1> Faked an injury once so he could smuggle a gift box of chocolates into X-Ray to see which had coconut and which were caramel cremes.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Q: What do the L.A.P.D. and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
A: Neither could catch a Bronco!

Why are Englishmen better lovers than Frenchmen? They can stay on top for 89 minutes and still loose!

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.

This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural

tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and,

eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your

worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number

of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be

proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf

ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,

the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing

partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the

universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself

as an instuctor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate

golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works

against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the

clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone

in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of

a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS

agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another,

particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly,

“tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one

who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your

score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the

sunset of the same day.