Bob: Hey dick, “Did you know that they are blaming O.J Simpson’s football
coach for commiting the murders?”
Dick: “Are they really Bob?”
Bob: “Yeah really.”
Dick: “What for?”
Bob: “He told O.J to cut right, cut left and run like hell!”
Category: sports
The Top 16 Signs You Have March Madness
16> At dinner you form your mashed potatoes and asparagus into
brackets.
15> You’ve taken to referring to your youngest child as a
“fourth seed.”
14> Instead of an “Amen!” you give the preacher a “Yeah, baby!”
13> Breakfast starts with a bracket of 64 Cheerios — losers are
eaten, winners move on. Of course, in the end even the
Champion Cheerio gets to visit StomachLand.
12> In honor of Bobby Knight, you choke the chicken with both
hands.
11> You’ve actually started praying again.
10> You’re 5’8″ with a hefty paunch and lead feet, yet you think
you’ve got enough “madd skillz” to take on all comers down at the South
Side Y.
9> In a moment of weakness, you tell your barber,
“Give me the Dickie V.”
8> “Dad, I got accepted to Harvard!” “Who?”
7> You demanded that the rehearsal dinner be at a
sports bar.
6> “I have March Madness!” sounds marginally better
than “I let the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ photographer buy me 14 tequila
shooters at South Padre.”
5> You call it a “backcourt violation,” but your wife
calls it perverted.
4> You just voted to give the federal courts
jurisdiction to reinsert Wake Forest into the tournament.
3> Huge tattoos of John Philip Sousa on both ass
cheeks.
2> Before climbing to the top of the clock tower, you
festively paint the bullets in the team colors.
1> Wanting to stay home and watch the games all day
Thursday and Friday, but not wanting to tell your boss a lie about a
death in the family, you’re faced with a dilemma: which
grandparent to murder.
[ The Top 5 List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2005 by Chris
White ]
Top Ten Tyson Jokes
NO. 10
Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena Bobbitt. Winner eats all.
NO. 9
This gives new meaning to “box lunch.”
NO. 8
Reporter: “Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your ear?” Holyfield: “What?”
NO. 7
Spock-vs.-Tyson bout hastily canceled – John Corl, Rochester, N.Y.
NO. 6
What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh? “You gonna eat that?”
NO. 5
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory
NO. 4
Next bout: Tyson vs. Hannibal Lecter, with Julia Child to referee. To be held in Hungary. Billed as, “The snackfest in Budapest.”
NO. 3
How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica? Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.
NO. 2
Slogans for Tys * The T * Da * * Ear-Reconcilable Differences
NO. 1
When interviewed after the fight, Tyson’s first remarks were that “it tasted like chicken.”
New Caddy
“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t
see where the ball went.”
“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you
take my brother Scott along?”
“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball
disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
“I forgot.”
The Top 15 Alternate Taglines for Anna Kournikova’s New Sports Bra
15> Losing Never Looked So Great!
14> Endorsed by the Entire Russian Olympic Hockey Team
13> Hey, Guys — Buy My Bra and I’ll Be Left Without One!
12> Love 38s!
11> Soon to Be Sold to Some Pudgy, Sweaty Pervert on eBay
10> Hold Up *Your* Sagging Career
9> A Lovely Case for the Only Trophies *You’ll* Ever Have to Show Off
8> As Close as You’re Ever Going to Get to My Rack, Dorkboy
7> Crap. If This Thing Works, I Got Nothin’ Left
6> Because Two Bouncers Might Show You the Door
5> Just Tell the Sales Clerk It’s for Your Girlfriend, You Little Perv
4> Support Can Be Sexy — Just Ask Your Boyfriend, Who’s Masturbating to My Catalogue Right Now
3> Available in Small, Medium and Serena
2> Anna 1, Anna 2…
1> Supporting the Troops on the Russian Front
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Suggestions for Guys…
Suggestions for Guys Playing Golf or Using a Public Bathroom
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.
1. Don’t take extra strokes.
I Said the F Word
A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, “Father during the week I said the F-word.”
The priest says, “Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary’s and your sins will be forgiven.”
The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.
“Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church,” said the guy.
“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.
“No,” the guy replied. “I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough.”
“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.
“No,” the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. “My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green.”
“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.
“No,” the guy said. “As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it.”
“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.
“No,” the guy replied. “As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball.”
“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.
“No,” the guy replied. “The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole.”
The priest said, “Don’t tell – me you missed the fucking putt!”
Desert Isle
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleave and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man , oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?
“He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve has some REAL fun?”
And the mans replies, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
First Time Football Game
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won
tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game
before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity
for doing so.
“I think so, too,” said Mabel. “Let’s go!”
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy
expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth
struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then
came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge
nudged her sister.
“I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.”
Baseball and Law
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out.
Soccer player
it was a soccer player that he was so stupid that one time he scord a gol and when it was the re play he mistit
Magic Johnson on rollerblades…
What do you call Magic Johnson on rollerblades?
ROLLAIDS!