Category: sports

Digger Phelps’ Words of WisdomFrom the NCAA Tournament:”Basketball is a game of two halves.””We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins.””You’re either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle.””He’s like all great players — not great yet.””You don’t score 86 points without being able to shoot.”

what’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
bad golfer: whack! “s***!”
bad skydiver: “s***!!” whack!!

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and
into the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer.

when the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended
victim, who angrily tells him of the near miss.

“i’m sorry, i didn’t have time to yell ‘fore,'” says the poor golfer.

“that’s funny, replies the other guy, “because you had plenty of time to yell
‘s***!'”

Deer hunting season is coming up… Here are the secret diary entries from last years deer hunt.1:00 am – Alarm clock rings.2:00 am – Hunting partner arrives – drags you out of bed.3:00 am – Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.3:05 am – Leave for the deep woods. 3:15 am – Drive back home and pick up gun. 3:30 am – Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 am – Set up camp – forgot the tent. 4:30 am – Head into the woods. 6:05 am – See eight deer. 6:06 am – Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 am – ”Click”.6:08 am – Load gun while watching deer go over the hill. 8:00 am – Head back to camp. 9:00 am – Still looking for camp.10:00 am – Realize you don’t know where camp is. Noon – Fire gun for help – eat wild berries. 12:15 pm – Ran out of bullets – eight deer come back. 12:20 pm – Strange feeling in stomach. 12:30 pm – Realize you ate poison berries. 12:45 pm – Rescued. 12:55 pm – Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped. 3:00 pm – Arrived back in camp. 3:30 pm – leave camp to kill deer. 4:00 pm – Return to camp for bullets. 4:01 pm – Load gun – leave camp again. 5:00 pm – Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you. 6:00 pm – Arrive at camp – see deer grazing in camp. 6:01 pm – Load gun. 6:02 pm – Fire gun. 6:03 pm – One dead pickup truck. 6:05 pm – Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer. 6:06 pm – Repress strong desire to shoot partner. 6:07 pm – Fall into fire. 6:10 pm – Change clothes – throw burned ones into fire. 6:15 pm – Take pickup – leave partner and his deer in the woods. 6:25 pm – Pickup boils over – hole shot in block. 6:26 pm – Start walking. 6:30 pm – Stumble and fall – drop gun in the mud. 6:35 pm – Meet bear. 6:36 pm – Take aim. 6:37 pm – Fire gun – blow up barrel plugged with mud. 6:38 pm – Make mess in pants. 6:39 pm – Climb tree. 9:00 pm – Bear departs – wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree. Midnight – Home at last. Next day – Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces – place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.

Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Playoffs?
A: The Dallas Cowboys

Q: How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last game?
A: 22. The rest dressed themselves.

Q: What’s Jerry Jones’ biggest concern?
A: Does bail money count against the salary cap?

Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who’s driving?
A: The police.

Q: Why can’t Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known Felons.

I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator and now they want a coke machine.

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on “grass”.

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new “Honor System”.
Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor.

The Cowboys had a 8 and 8 season this year.
8 arrests, 8 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator; Johnny Cochran.

Q: What’s the difference between a Cowboys fan and a baby?
A: Eventually the baby stops whining.

A woman in Dallas calls 911. When the officer answers the phone the woman is hysterical and tells the cop that a man has just broken into her home and she thinks he intends to rape her. The officer explain that they are just extremely busy at the moment and tells her “Just get the guy’s jersey number and we’ll get back to you.”

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling “Gama Su!, Gama Su!”. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, “Gama Su! Gama Su!”

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked “Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?”

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became
confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her,
explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must
be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing
happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on
the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and
went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a
sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your
help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also.
What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation
H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

Tiger Woods makes a great 220 yard drive. Unfortunately it missed the hole and
smacked David Duval. So David is in intense pain holding himself when a nurse
comes. The nurse asked David what’s wrong. David points down (if you know what I
mean) yelling, “It hurts so bad”. So the nurse asks, “Do you want me to rub it
to make it feel better?” David says sure. So there the nurse is, making him feel
so good, down there. David became relaxed. When the nurse finished, she said,
“Does that fell better?” David said, “Yes it does, but what are you going to do
about my finger?”

A golfer became so mad that he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into the
lake.

A few minutes later he came back, waded into the lake and retrieved his
clubs.

He proceeded to take his car keys out of the bag — then threw the
clubs back into the water.

In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there’s a sign stating – “Play like champions today!”

There’s also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:
“Don’t forget your HELMET!”

A profesional baseball player in the outfield attempts to make a dramatic catch. Instead, he ends up hitting the wall of the field so hard he breaks through it. No one was hurt, but later it was proven he managed to catch the ball.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they
asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer.”