Category: sports

This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and
to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in
freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills
to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20
times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory
bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street
shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger.
Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a
snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the
spray blast your face. You’d almost believe you’re skiing in
front of a snow maker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to
take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

Q: Do you know what Celtic really stands for?
A: A: Celtic Even Lost To Inverness Caley.

A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee when another foursome of ladies are
hitting from the ladies’ tee.

the ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit
the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet
and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically, “i guess all those
f****** lessons i took this winter didn’t help.”

one of the men immediately replies, “i guess not. you should have been taking
golf lessons instead.”

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?” “Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is this guy blind or what?” “You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her. “But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?” “But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.” “If you do that, I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman. “I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the sheriff. “Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment …”

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

the difference between ccricketers and condoms are that crickrters drop the catch and condom catch the drop.

What do Glenn Hoddle and da Titanic have in common?

Neither should have left Southampton.

And here in L.A., there’s talk of a teachers’ strike. You know, if they ever
strike, here’s what they should do: The striking teachers and the striking
baseball players should switch jobs. You see, this way, the teachers would get
paid what they deserve, and the players would get paid what they deserve.

Four men are on the golf course one Sunday morning, and as they tee off one of them says that he has a confession to make. “You know, guys, this golfing on Sunday mornings is costing me an arm and a leg. I had to buy my wife a Lexus that is fully loaded in order for me to be able to come golf with you every week.”

The second man says, “That’s nothing, I had to buy my wife that mansion up on the hill and put it in her name only so that I could come.”

The third man says, “I can top that, I had to send my wife and daughter to Paris for two weeks for a shopping spree. I have no idea how much that will cost me.”

The fourth man doesn’t say anything, so they ask him about it. He says “Ah, it is no big deal for me, I just roll over Sunday morning and say to my wife ‘intercourse or golf course’!”

I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the
refrigerator, so now they want a coke machine.

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?They might be cheetahs! Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder playerFan: Why’s that?Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him! Why do artists never when they play football?They keep drawing!

Q: What has 400 feet and 3 teeth?
A: The first row of the bleachers at Yankee Stadium.

What’s the difference between a golfer having a bad day and a
sky diver having a bad day?

A golfer goes WHACK, “Shit!”

A sky diver goes, “Shit!” WHACK!