Category: sports

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for ’96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away –ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away–ka-blooey!

Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour– bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.

“I’ve got to get this guy,” Al says to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: “Mom,” the young man says into the receiver, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You’re no longer my son.”

“I don’t think you understand, mother” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.”

“No, let me tell you,” the mother implores. “At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight….”

The old lady pauses, in tears…
“…I’ll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!”

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “OK, lets get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”

The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I’d brace myself!”

1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

3. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention paid to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.

9. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they considered to be a private course.

10. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temporarily under repair, and the player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the course owner’s request.

12. Responsible indoor golfers always use a golfbag.

13. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

14. Players are not permitted to tee off on the back nine without the express permission of the course owner.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Membership at a given course – Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: “You’ve got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.”

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: “That was a huge mistake, Frank. You’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.”

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
“Admit it, Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,”Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football!”

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says –
“Touchdown, tie score!”

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says –
“Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7!”

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, –
“Touchdown, tie score!”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says –
“Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!”

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?”

The old man replied, “Half-time, Switch sides!”

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says “sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Chicago.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine.

“No problem…just like Chicago in June,” the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.

The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
“No problem. Just like Chicago in July,” the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.

He says, “no problem. Just like Chicago in August.”

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.

When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on.
To which the Chicago man replies…..

“THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”
“THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

Three guys, a father, son, and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. As
they are on the way out to the first tee they are joking, bulls*******, and
cussing, very much the men’s day out. Just before the son is ready to tee off,
this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says that her partner
didn’t show and asks if she can join them.

The guys say sure, since she is a really beautiful woman.

The kid kind of grumbles that now they can’t cuss and bulls*** around.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, “I don’t care what the three of
you do, and cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don’t try to coach me on
my game.”

The guys say o.k. And ask if she would like to tee off first.

All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up as she bends over to place the
ball.

She then proceeds to knock the s*** out of the ball right up the middle.

She just starts pounding these guys, par every hole. They get to the 18th and
she has a 12-foot putt for par.

She turns around and says, “you guys have done a great job at not trying to
coach me on my game, I have never shot par before and I am going to ask all of
your opinions in this putt. Now if any of those opinions help me make the par I
will give each of you a blow job that you will never forget.”

The guys think what a deal. The kid walks over eyes up the putt for a couple
of minutes and finally says, “lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the
hole, the ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go in the cup.”

The father walks up and says, “don’t listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches
to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall in the
cup.”

The grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust, walks over picks up the
ball and says, “f*** the putt, that’s a gimme.”

`I just don’t understand it,’ an Irish footballer complained.
`One match I play very well, and then the next match I’m terrible.’
‘Well,’ said his wife, `why don’t you just play every other match?’

Q)Why did the football coach go to the bank?
A)Cuz he wanted his quarter back

By:Dean DeMartinis

This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and
to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in
freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills
to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20
times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory
bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street
shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger.
Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a
snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the
spray blast your face. You’d almost believe you’re skiing in
front of a snow maker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to
take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, “Is anyone here a doctor.”

One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, “I’m a doctor, what can I help you with?”

“I’ve been stung by a bee.”
“Oh really, where?”
“Between the first and second hole”
“Well, first of all, your stance is too wide…”

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

Mark Twain