Category: sports

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown
a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities — Ceres, the goddess of
agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.

Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and
turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her.
Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This
marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

3. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention paid to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.

9. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they considered to be a private course.

10. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temporarily under repair, and the player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the course owner’s request.

12. Responsible indoor golfers always use a golfbag.

13. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

14. Players are not permitted to tee off on the back nine without the express permission of the course owner.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Membership at a given course – Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “OK, lets get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”

The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I’d brace myself!”

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: “You’ve got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.”

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: “That was a huge mistake, Frank. You’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.”

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
“Admit it, Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,”Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football!”

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says –
“Touchdown, tie score!”

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says –
“Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7!”

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, –
“Touchdown, tie score!”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says –
“Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!”

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?”

The old man replied, “Half-time, Switch sides!”

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says “sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Chicago.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine.

“No problem…just like Chicago in June,” the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.

The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
“No problem. Just like Chicago in July,” the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.

He says, “no problem. Just like Chicago in August.”

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.

When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on.
To which the Chicago man replies…..

“THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”
“THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

Three guys, a father, son, and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. As
they are on the way out to the first tee they are joking, bulls*******, and
cussing, very much the men’s day out. Just before the son is ready to tee off,
this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says that her partner
didn’t show and asks if she can join them.

The guys say sure, since she is a really beautiful woman.

The kid kind of grumbles that now they can’t cuss and bulls*** around.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, “I don’t care what the three of
you do, and cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don’t try to coach me on
my game.”

The guys say o.k. And ask if she would like to tee off first.

All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up as she bends over to place the
ball.

She then proceeds to knock the s*** out of the ball right up the middle.

She just starts pounding these guys, par every hole. They get to the 18th and
she has a 12-foot putt for par.

She turns around and says, “you guys have done a great job at not trying to
coach me on my game, I have never shot par before and I am going to ask all of
your opinions in this putt. Now if any of those opinions help me make the par I
will give each of you a blow job that you will never forget.”

The guys think what a deal. The kid walks over eyes up the putt for a couple
of minutes and finally says, “lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the
hole, the ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go in the cup.”

The father walks up and says, “don’t listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches
to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall in the
cup.”

The grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust, walks over picks up the
ball and says, “f*** the putt, that’s a gimme.”

`I just don’t understand it,’ an Irish footballer complained.
`One match I play very well, and then the next match I’m terrible.’
‘Well,’ said his wife, `why don’t you just play every other match?’

Q)Why did the football coach go to the bank?
A)Cuz he wanted his quarter back

By:Dean DeMartinis

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, “Is anyone here a doctor.”

One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, “I’m a doctor, what can I help you with?”

“I’ve been stung by a bee.”
“Oh really, where?”
“Between the first and second hole”
“Well, first of all, your stance is too wide…”

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

Mark Twain

A retired gentleman spent most afternoons at the local golf course. Every day
he would spend about three hours out on the course, playing a round by himself.
When he would return to the clubhouse, the resident pro would inquire about his
score.

“Ed, how’d you shoot today?” to which the man would always reply, “Another
perfect par.”

The golf pro (being of average intelligence) knew that there was no way the
old man was shooting straight par every day. But since he was a regular
customer, he didn’t want to insult the man by accusing him of lying.

Finally, one day, the pro decided to accompany the old man on his daily round,
just to see for himself.

On the first tee, the older gentleman sliced the ball way off into the rough.
He found his ball, but his second shot was even worse. Finally, putting it into
the first hole (a par 4) took him 8 swings.

The golf pro thought to himself, “I knew it! This guy’s been lying all this
time. There is no way he is gonna shoot anywhere NEAR par.”

They continued on, and the old man’s game stayed the same, never once getting
a par on any one hole. After almost 3 hours, they teed off on the 13th hole. The
old man actually hit it straight down the middle — It was the best shot he had
made all day! He promptly walked down the fairway to his ball, picked it up, and
began walking back to the clubhouse.

The pro was confused. “Hey, that was a great shot! Where are you going now?”

“Oh, I’m done,” the old man replied with a smile. “That shot was number 72 . .
. another perfect par!”