Category: sports

Golf Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let’s go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.” They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.” the husband replied.

“No, actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes-I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“OK, great!” the husband said. ” I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem-it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife. “I want a house in every country of the world,” she said. “Consider it done.” the genie replied.

“And what’s your wish, genie?”, the husband said. “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?” “
35.” she replied.

“And he still believes in genies?….That’s amazing!”

Q. What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well mannered
professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.

Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.

Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common?
A. They both tear hams into shreds.

Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four!…Three!…Two!…One!

Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor
all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?
A. It doesn’t matter – none of them exist.

Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn’t cause pain and agony?
A. Unemployed.

Q. What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

20> You’re running the 100-meter dash against Scooby Doo and
Shaggy.

19> Budweiser bottles take their positions on the starting
blocks.

18> The Dream Team has Michael… but it also has Tito, Germaine,
Janet and LaToya.

17> Official Olympic program sprinkled liberally with poorly
typeset ads for Shorty’s Ribs.

16> Banner reading, “Sponsored by High Times Magazine.”

15> So-called Olympic “torch” closely resembles a Coleman
lantern.

14> Disproportionate number of athletes named Corky.

13> Opening ceremonies consist of tapping a keg and
releasing the weasel.

12> Swim coach insists you shave off *his* body hair.

11> Decathlete disqualified for not using a standard table
spoon in the potato relay.

10> Water tables along marathon route handing out shots
of  Jaegermeister.

9> Competing countries include Oz and the People’s
Republic of Hawaii.

8> Rules of 400-meter relay require you to chase a
mechanical rabbit.

7> America’s best hope for boxing gold?  Stallone and
DeNiro.

6> You’re pulled out of the crowd to run the 4×100 meter relay
after the original anchor goes into labor.

5> Crack open that gold medal — it’s choc-o-licious!

4> 10-meter platform dive replaced with tire swing competition.

3> Alpha Theta fails in bid for fourth consecutive gold medal in
distance vomiting.

2> Winner of the long jump?  Not Carl, but *Emmanuel*
Lewis.

1> Basketball halftime score: Klingons 35, Romulans 32.

            
[   The Top 5
List     
www.topfive.com   ]             
[   Copyright 1996, 2005 by Chris
White   ] 

Recently overheard in a doctor’s waiting room:

I used to watch golf on television, but the doctor said that I needed more
exercise – So, now I watch tennis.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears,
“Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

“What do you think frog?” the man asks.

“Ribbit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.

” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now
what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching
the roulette table, The man asks, “What do you think I should bet?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.
You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Kiss Me..”

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him,
he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous
15-year-old girl.

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

Barry Switzer, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboys’ losing record, decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret is. So, Switzer travels up to a 49er practice and asks Mariucci, “Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What’s your secret?”

Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. “Steve, who’s your father’s brother’s nephew?”

Young answers, “Why coach, that’s easy. It’s me.”

Mariucci turns to Switzer and says, “That’s the secret, Barry. A smart quarterback. You’ve got to have a smart quarterback.”

Thinking he’s finally got all the tools he needs, Switzer returns to Texas and the Cowboys workout. He promptly calls over Troy Aikman. “Aikman! Who’s your father’s brother’s nephew?” Switzer asks.

Troy looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, “Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?”

Switzer (disgusted) says, “OK.”

During practice, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. “Deion, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who’s your father’s brother’s nephew?”

Sanders replied, “Duh! That’s easy. It’s me!”

After practice, Aikman catches up with Switzer. “Coach, I think I’ve got it. My father’s brother’s nephew is Deion Sanders.”

Switzer (angry) reprimands, “No, No, NO! You idiot!! It’s Steve Young!!!”

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)

They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the
mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls’ pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, “OK, lets get out and get him”!

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts –
“THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!”

The front guy says, “Well, I’m gonna start nibbling grass,
but you better start to “brace yourself!”

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He
tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the
fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this
huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says
the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I
am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.” The man says “I can’t take
anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says “Well, he was a nice enough guy,
and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three
things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and
a great sex life.”

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits
one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.

When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how’s your golf game?” The
golfer says, “It’s great! I hit under par every time.” “I did that for you,”
responds the leprechaun, “And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

“Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull
out a hundred dollar bill” he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did
that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life?”

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or
twice a week.” Floored the leprechaun stammers, “Once or twice a week?”

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a
Catholic priest in a small parish.”

There was this basically-good man who died and appeared before St. Peter at
the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there is a
problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is
supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man go to Hell and check it
out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didn’t like what he saw
there, he could come back to Heaven.

Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an
uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world
playing all the famous golf courses.

When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at
the man’s situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man’s
ultimate destination wasn’t clear, the man would go to Heaven. The man could
just see behind Satan a Most Beautiful Golf Course. It had beautiful trees, blue
ponds, water separating the fairways, everything. The man fell in love with at
at first site, and he couldn’t control himself. He just had to play a round.

The devil showed him a wonderful electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag, a
matched set of clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a
Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play. The man couldn’t
control himself. He just had to play there.

He goes back up to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to stay in
Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there. When the man returns
to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time. The devil says that
anytime at all, the man could play. No one else uses the course.

Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee. He gets out of his
beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched clubs and selects his
driver, reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his Golden Tee, then
frantically searches everywhere for a ball.

Satan comes up and the man asks him for a ball.

“That’s the Hell of it,” says Satan with a devilish laugh.

Why is it so windy at Candlestick Park? (Home of the San Francisco Giants)
Because of all the Giant Fans!

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown
a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities — Ceres, the goddess of
agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.

Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and
turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her.
Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This
marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.