Samantha:Hey Kaylee
Kaylee:What?
Samantha:Do you know how to do Karate because your butt is movin and kickin!
Category: sports
Vikings
How many Vikings does it take to screw in a light bulb? 11,1 to
screw it in,and 10 to talk about how good the wish they were.
Martial Arts Humor
Kempo: Percussion class with people as the drums.
Aikido: Origami with people.
Tai Chi: Martial arts overdosed on Valium.
“Someone once told me that my Tai Chi would only be useful in fighting NFL
replays.”
“I once described Tai Chi to my fellow classmates as being just
like standing still, only faster.”
“The idea of Taiji is to yield to your opponent’s attack. In most cases the
yielding seems to be so pronounced that the idea must be to play on the
opponent’s pity.”
Jets Dog
A guy walks into a bar with a dachsund under his arm. The dog is wearing a NY Jets jersey, helmet, and is festooned with Jets pom poms. The bartender says, “Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!”
The guy begs him: “Look, I’m desparate. We’re both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!”
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there’s any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The game begins with the Jets receiving the kickoff. They march downfield, get stopped at about the 30, and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving a high-five to everyone.
The bartender says, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?”
The owner replies, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 4 years.”
A fisherman
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was larger and heavier
than he was. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a buddy who had maybe
a dozen or so Rockfish. The buddy eyed the Marlin and said, “Only caught the
one, huh?”
Dribble or Shoot
Why don’t girls like to date basketball players?
You never know if they’re going to dribble or shoot.
Women’s Tee
As Joe started to eye up his golfball, hoping that it would fly beyond all
previous hits, a voice came from behind him and said, “Hey buddy! Don’t you know
your hitting from the womens tee”?
Joe smugly looked at the avid golf pro-lawyer and said, “Hey buddy don’t you
know this is my second shot”?
College Football
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you
tackle?” asked the coach.
“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone
pole, shattering it to splinters.
“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”
“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just
over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said, “If I can
swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
Golf Genie
A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while
and said, “Well, I’ve always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know
what I mean; could you make me larger?” “Done,” said the genie and disappeared.
Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his “size.” Within
several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into
his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he’d
met the genie.
“Problem?” inquired the genie. “Yes,” the man responded, “Do you think I could
trouble you for one more wish?” “And what might that be?” asked the genie.
“Could you make my legs longer?”
Question answer
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?Hide the ball, it drives them nuts! What’s tennis players favourite city?Volley wood! How does a physicist exercise?By pumping ion!
Packers
How do you keep the packers away from your house?
Put an endzone in front of it.
The Top 12 Things Ovepheard at the Masters Golf Tournament
12> “Women clearly slow up the game. Taking a leak in the trees behind the eighth tee takes them THREE TIMES as long as it takes a man!”
11> “Ma’am, I only called you a ‘hooker’ because your tee shot slanted off to the left… oh, forget it.”
10> “What’ll these broads want next — the right to *vote*?!?”
9> “According to the new Augusta information minister, Tiger Woods was captured, Martha Burk is now running the tournament and an infidel named Arnold Palmer won by 10 strokes.”
8> “He says it’s to silence that Burk woman, but something tells me Hootie’s making all of us wear dresses for his own benefit.”
7> “Martha, if Anna Kournikova played golf, I think we could work something out.”
6> “The day a woman wins this thing, you’ll see Prada shoes and a Versace purse make that green jacket look GOOD.”
5> “After we’ve won this battle for women’s suffrage here in Augusta, we will press on to confront even a greater injustice! We will not rest until we have won our sisters equal representation in the Tolkien Societies of America’s high schools!”
4> “Look, here comes Hootie and the Blowhards.”
3> “It’s never enough for those damn lib’rals… we already let the black kid in!”
2> “Mr. Mickelson, the PETA representative says your Haitian voodoo doctor must release the chicken.”
1> “Dude, are you sure those tickets said ‘Masters of the Universe’? Skeletor would never wear yellow plaid pants.”