Category: sports

Why did the football coach go to the bank?

because he wanted to get his quarter back

what do u get when u cross a football team ?

aston vanilla

“What does this golf ball do?” Frank asked the manager of the
golf shop. “This golf ball magnetically attracts to all sorts of
holes. It depends on what direction you hit the ball in. If it
goes straight towards the hole, it will go into the hole” the
manager replied. “I’ll buy it.” Frank bought this rather strange
golf ball and walked out to the golf course, where his friend
Bill, was waiting for him.

The first hole was a Par 3, so Frank had a good chance of
getting a hole-in-one on this hole. After Bill had played his
first shot, Frank stuck the tee into the ground and placed his
magnetic golf ball on top of it. When he was set, Frank hit the
ball straight towards the hole and got a hole-in-one. “You can’t
ask for a better start than that Frank”, said Bill. Frank smiled.

For the next sixteen holes, Frank’s weird golf ball found holes
to go into after every shot. However, most of these holes that
the ball went into were either a bunker or the hole itself.
There was one occasion though, when the ball went into one of
the pockets in Bill’s pants, but this doesn’t compare with what
happened on the eighteenth hole.

Bill had already played his first shot on the eighteenth, and
Frank was about to play his. The eighteenth hole had a large
hill in which the ball had to be hit over. The hole and pin
could not be seen from where Frank and Bill were.

Since this hole is a Par 3, Frank could get another hole-in-one.
When Frank was set he hit the ball, and to his disappointment he
hooked it to the left. A few seconds later, a loud noise could
be heard “Aaaaaaaargh!!!!” Frank and Bill had no idea where the
noise came from, so they both walked over the hill to look for
their balls.

Bill found his ball straight away, but Frank was having great
difficulty in finding his ball. Frank had spent about twenty
minutes trying to find his ball, when he decided to give up and
use another ball. “I’ll use another ball for my second shot
Bill, but first I need to go to the toilet”. Frank walked over
to the public toilets, which was about twenty meters to the left
of the eighteenth green.

When Frank walked into the public toilets he heard a voice, “Is
there anyone there?” “Yes there is,” replied Frank, as he walked
towards the cubicle at the far end. When he got to the cubicle
door, which was open, Frank asked the man, “What do you want?”
“I need a doctor,” came the reply. “Why do you need a doctor?”
Frank asked curiously. After Frank asked this question, the man
in the cubicle did something strange. He stood up, turned around
and flashed his naked backside at Frank, who suddenly became
worried, “Holy shit!!!!”

“What is it?” said the man in the cubicle. “You wouldn’t believe
what’s stuck up there!!” Frank said. “What is?” “My fucking golf
ball, that’s what!!!!”

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.
“I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man” she tells her new hubby.

The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?.
The wife answers …well maybe!

Husband asks who it was.
The wife answers – it was Tiger Woods.

Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he’s not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon “thing”. When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asked his bride.
“I’m calling for room service. After all that work I’m hungry!”

The wife says, “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Really! Just what would TIGER do?” says the husband.

Well we would do it again!

Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed.
This same thing happens two more times,after which the guy is pretty tired.

So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.
The wife says..you’re not calling room service are you!!!!
“NO, says the exhausted hubby”!
“Well who are you calling then, she asks.”

I’m calling Tiger Woods…
I want to see what par is for this hole!

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.

The owner replied, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I’ll recognize it and be of more help.” So she did just that.

After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, “That’s the Johnson Model 9400. It’ll be $40.00.”

The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said, “That’ll be fifty dollars.”

Fifty dollars?!?!” the woman exclaimed. “You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!”

“Yes, I did”, said the owner, “But that was for the reel.
The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.”

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he
goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the
day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge
plate, which the tourist eats with relish.
The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once
again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought
two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more
scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the
fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the
specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small
balls on a big plate. The man asks, “What gives?”

And the waiter says, “Senor, the bullfighter doesn’t always
win!”

What does Tiger Woods have that Princess Di didn’t?
A good driver. (I know…very bad taste!)

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no
scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet,
but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15
more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard,
and wrote, “How the heck are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?”

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had
written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”

A Green Bay Packer fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says,
“Wanna hear a joke about Minnesota Viking fans?”

The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke you should know
something. I’m 6′ tall and 220 pounds and I’m a Viking fan. The guy sitting next
to me is 6’2″ tall, 240 pounds and he’s a Viking fan, and the guy sitting next
to him is 6’5″, 280 pounds and he’s a Viking fan, too. Now, do you still wanna
tell that joke?”
The Packer fan says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”

In Texas, coach Barry Switzer is upset on how the Cowboys played after the
season. They were not a good football team. He did not know what the secret was
to have a good team, so he goes to California where he finds coach Steve
Mariucci.

He asks Mariucci “What is the secret to having a good football
team?” Steve calls quarterback Steve Young over.

He asks Young “What is your father’s brother’s nephew?” Steve answers “That is
me, of course.” Mariucci says “Barry, that is the secret to having a good
football team. You got to have a smart quarterback.” Barry thanks Mariucci and
goes back to Texas.

Before football practice, Barry calls Troy Aikman over. He asks “What is your
father’s brother’s nephew?” Troy thinks about it and asks “Can you give me until
the end of practice?” Barry is disappointed at this time but says “Ok.” During
practice, Troy goes over to Deion Sanders and asks “What is your father’s
bother’s nephew?” Deion answers “That is me, of course.” After practice, Troy
went back to Barry and says “Barry, I know who my father’s brother’s nephew is!
Do you want me to tell you.” Barry says “Yes! Who is he!” Troy answers “Deion
Sanders.” Barry yells “NO, NO, NO you idiot! It is Steve Young!”

It has been described as a game with twenty-two players, two linesmen and
20,000 referees.

1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.

2. Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!”
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, sir!”

3. Golfer: “My wife says if I don’t stop playing golf she’s going to leave me!”
Caddy: “I’m sure you will miss her terribly, sir!”

4. Golfer: “Well caddy, do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.