Category: sports

Striker: “i’ve got a great idea of how to strengthen our team” Manager: “Great
when are you leaving???”

How many wimbledon fans does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?

Both of them!

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, “What are you up to?”

Alice smiled. “I’m going hunting with you!”

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

Quattro sinko.

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his
shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I play
through, please?”

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that “No, he may
NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.”

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with
a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute
sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try
the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing
whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward
the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the
green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said,
after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! NOW you tell me.” said the beginner.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

15> Her rage-induced fits have turned synchronized swimming into a contact sport.

14> He was forced to give up hockey because he kept falling through the ice.

13> Claims he gets a better feel at the plate when he uses his forearm instead of a bat.

12> He finishes the race third, but the vein in his forehead comes in first.

11> His sacrifice bunt attempt just decapitated the shortstop.

10> The winning greyhound catches the mechanical rabbit, devours it in one bite, then poops out metal shavings.

9> Her pre-game handshake reduces opposing team captain’s hand to a fine powder.

8> His center-ice spin pulls some of the smaller skaters into orbit around him.

7> Whenever he’s asked to make a muscle, he pulls out a syringe.

6> “What a terrible spill on the far turn! … Hold on! The jockey is *carrying* Ton O’ Bricks to the finish line!”

5> For the first time in his long career, Krcyszewslovisowsky’s name fits on his uniform.

4> He body-checks the other players and warns them to stay away or face his violent wrath. At the first tee.

3> She leads her coed softball league in home runs, RBI and sperm count.

2> After kicking the winning goal she still rips off her shirt, but now she also turns green and flips over the opposing team’s bus.

1> “… and starting at nose tackle for the NY Giants… Brian Boitano!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had
to give up the idea. I’m only six feet tall, so I couldn’t play
basketball. I’m only 190 pounds, so I couldn’t play football,
and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn’t be a referee.

three surgeons were arguing about who was the best surgeon.
the first said,�i reattached a severed arm on a man who went on to become one
of the best pitchers in the major league.”
the second said,�i reattached a severed leg on a man who went on to become one
of the best place kickers in the nfl.”
the third surgeon could not be out done. he said,�i once stitched a mustache
to an a****** and he went on to become a seven time winston cup champion!”

One afternoon, two women were sitting at a bar discussing their love lives.
One woman looked at the other and said, “You know, eighty percent of all men
think that the best way to end an argument is to make love.”

“Well,” said the other woman,” that would certainly revolutionize the game of
hockey!”

It was Fathers day at kindergarten and it was little johnny’s turn to say what his father did for a living. He stood up and said “My father takes his clothes off for old men and gets paid only 5 cents a hour. Everyone was silent before the teacher came over and asked if it was true. He replied “”No”” but I was too emmbarresed to say my father plays for the English cricket team!

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