Category: sports

A NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon entering, this person noticed pro
driver Alan Kulwicki’s race car, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said
Alan was in heaven and his car was on display.

Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison’s car. Once again he
inquired to St. Peter about it. “Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God’s
a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display.”

Walking further, the individual came upon Dale Earnhardt’s car – a seasoned
veteran of the sport. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! “Oh, No!
St. Peter – Dale Earnhardt is about to win the Championship this year, and you
mean to tell me he has just died?!?

“No, no,” St. Peter chuckled, “That’s God’s car. He lets Dale use it on
weekends.”

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself “what a waste” he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is this seat taken?” The man replied, “This was my wife’s seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan.” The other man replied,”I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn’t give the ticket to a friend or a relative?” The man replied, “They’re all at the funeral.”

How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Tickle it’s bolls.

One day there were 3 amateurs and a pro playing golf. They went up to the
first tee, and the pro went first. He hit it right on the green, 300 yards away.
Then one of the amateurs went up to the tee and it sliced to the right. He asked
the pro, “What causes that?”

“Loft,” he replied. Then the next amateur went up and sliced it to the left.
He asked, “what causes that?” and the pro answered, “loft.”

Then the last amateur went up and hit the ball, and it only went 100 yards
cause it was rolling on the ground. And he also asked, “what causes that?” and
the pro said, “loft.”

One of the amateurs said, “we all hit three different shots, and you said it
was loft — what does loft mean?”

And the pro replied, “lack of f****** talent!”

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham’s ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet. The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out “Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup.” Snow White says “Well at least Dopey’s alive!” Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.”Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!””The cups man! Save the cups!” cries George.”Uh, the fire hasn’t spread to the canteen yet, sir.” Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they’d rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it’s like to ride on an open-top bus. Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.”I’ll do anything for 3 points”, he said when questioned. The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said “we don’t just need points now, we need snookers!” British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he
had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about
the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more
people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the
advertising manager.

The farmer said, “I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super
Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of
all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans . . .”

The sales manager said, “Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able
to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?”

The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, “I’d be
willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks.”

“$300?” the manager yelled, “You must be out of your mind!!! The current
sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! For
example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!”

The farmer very evenly replied, “I’m sure that’s right. But those people are
out for blood. I’m just farting around.”

Non
Athletic
Sport
Centered
Around
Rednecks

and sometimes ya wonder why yo mama watches NASCAR all the time!

Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18-wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing!

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don’t stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.
Don’t take extra strokes.

One evening, a man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few
minutes, the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world
was that?”

The man says, “Touchdown. I’m ahead, seven to nothing.”

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, “What was
that?”

The wife replies, “Touchdown, tie score.”

The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so
hard that he sh**s all over the bed.

The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?” He replies, “Half time.
Switch sides.”

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.

“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do son?” he asked.”You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!””Really? How’d you do that?” “I dropped the ball.”