Category: sports

Why do girls have to where a cup when they skydive?

So they dont whistle!

Our team is doing so badly that “Manager of the Month” isn’t an award!

It’s an appointment !

david baker is gay

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to
spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he
could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to
tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could
accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no,
he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball
far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally,
they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough
shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was
directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating
how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your
age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the
ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on
the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man
offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree
was only 3 feet tall.”

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.”Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.””I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to
Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level,
except college and pro.”

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We
can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t
figure out where else to play.” (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim
Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting baby, and I
don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (1982)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what
is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I
don’t care.'” (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending
too much time on one subject.” (1987)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle as hunting season was about
to start. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you
can see my house all the way up on that hill.” The man takes a look through the
scope and starts laughing.
“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.
“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man
replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he
hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this
scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and
shoot the guy’s dick off.”
The man takes another look through the scope, and says, “You know what? I
think I can do that with one shot!”

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: “Small world.”

Two best friends were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their
entire adult lives revolved around baseball. They discussed baseball history in
the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to
over 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come
back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, one of the friend passed away in his sleep after watching a
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy awoke to the sound of the voice from beyond.

“is that you?” he asked. “Of course it me,” his friend’s voice replied.

“This is unbelievable!” he exclaimed, “So tell me, is there baseball in
heaven?”

“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to
hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven,”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

15> Most of the stadium seating has been leased to scientists developing a better Slinky.

14> Every time the crowd does “the wave,” the players respond with “the finger.”

13> Backs of the uniforms are embroidered with “Ask Me About Amway.”

12> The on-deck circle is now equipped with a Sega.

11> After the first pitch, every player argues with the ump until he’s thrown out of the game.

10> The pitcher now takes the mound dressed like Stevie Nicks.

9> The outfielders jog into position more slowly than ever, now that each is carrying his own lawn chair.

8> The manager allows his fielders to use their cell phones during pitching changes.

7> Play is temporarily suspended to allow the batter in the on-deck circle to finish his ice cream cone.

6> Too dejected to spit, they simply drool onto the dugout floor.

5> For a pinch runner, the manager sends in the winner of the sausage race.

4> Mike Piazza starts leaving after the fifth inning every Thursday so he doesn’t miss “Will and Grace.”

3> The equipment manager starts wholesaling Sammy’s bats to Robert Mondavi.

2> The announcer says, “Catching and batting fourth, Mmmmmmmmmmmmmme!”

1> The catcher’s down to just two signs: “whatever” and “I don’t give a rat’s ass.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad, I
couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“You’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife. “Why don’t you
take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“Yes, but he’s got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you,”
Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball
disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Did you see where it went?”
asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays
alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, “Say,
we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but
agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as
they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he
confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on
suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local
Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and
offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair
and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for
you!