Yours Fun Portal !
After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time
with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.
“Alright honey,” he says, “Give me a play you want me to run.”
“How about foreplay?” his wife replies.
“What’s the foreplay?” says Doug.
“You know,” the wife says, “It happens before the two minute warning.”
Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one
cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road.
The biker thought to himself, “I’ll cut that cat in two,” and he bore down on
it hard.
As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a
large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into
it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.
When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil
himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker’s hand, he asked mockingly, “So, how
do you like it here?”
The bad-ass biker replied, “Man, this is one COOL place!”
The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank
up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and
asked, “So, how do you like it now?”
The biker responded by saying, “This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs
to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August.”
Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as
it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were
melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was
holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, “It’s almost as hot as the time I
beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!”
By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way
down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he
tracked down the biker again and asked, “OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?”
With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and
chattered, “W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win
the Super Bowl?”
Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”
St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.”
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.”
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with that clock?”
“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s OJ Simpson’s clock. We decided to use it as a fan!”
13. Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
12. President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera.
11. IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.
10. Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners– Hey, wait a minute…
9. Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school. 8. Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
7. January 20: Inauguration ceremonies
January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids
6. Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house.
5. During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair.
4. Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.
3. Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
2. Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
1. Before: Mr. Vice President
After: Stone Cold Al Gore
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
A man was looking for a new caddy one day when his friend said ” I know a great caddy – he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk”
“OK then ” said the man “tell him I’m playing again in a week. ”
The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddy “did you see where it went”
The caddy then said “yes”
“OK then where is it?”
The caddy replied “I forgot.”
Top 10 Suggestions For Men While Playing Golf or Using A Urinal
10. Back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Quiet please!…while others are preparing to take their shot.
5. Stay out of the water.
4. Try not to hit anyone.
3. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
2. Don’t stare while others address their balls.
And the #1 suggestion for guys while playing golf or using
a urinal….
Don’t let anyone see you take those extra strokes!
The racecar driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took
her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in
the face.
“What’s the matter! Didn’t I satisfy you when we screwed?” he asked.
“It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,” said the angry
woman. “In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, ‘What perfect headlights’.
Then you felt my thighs and murmured, ‘What a smooth finish’.”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked the driver.
The woman answered, “Nothing, but then you felt my p**sy and yelled, ‘Who the
hell left the garage door open’?”
At Swindon:
SWINDON TOWN IS MAGIC!
And underneath:
WATCH THEM DISAPPEAR FROM THE SECOND DIVISION!
Dumbarton, Scotland:
JESUS SAVES!
And underneath:
DUMBARTON SHOULD SIGN HIM FOR GOAL!
Second Division Club:
STOCKTON -ON-TEAS FOR THE CUP!
Republican area of Belfast:
BRITS OUT!
Under which someone had added:
EXCEPT CHARLTON, SATTERS, TOWNSEND, SHEEDY AND ALDRIDGE
Two best friends went hunting for ducks, along with a dog. One hunter had
20-20 vision, but the other was half blind. The man with great sight shot
a duck. “Nice shot!” Said the other. The dog ran over to the duck and
dragged it back, then went back out and waited for one of them to shoot
down another. The man with great vision said, “Okay, now it’s your turn.
You shoot one down. I gotta take a leak.” “Okay.” The other said. So while
the 20-20 vision guy went to take a leak, the other came running up to him
and said, “Hey! Guess what! I just shot a duck in two parts of his body
with one shot!” The other wondered, “How the hell did you do that?” The
guy with bad vision said, “I shot his foot while he was scatching his head
with it. The bullet went right thought his foot and into his head.” The
other yelled out, “YOU IDIOT!!! DUCKS DON’T SCRATCH THEIR HEAD WITH THEIR
FOOT!”
Deer hunting season is coming up… Here are the secret diary entries from
last year’s deer hunt.
1:00 am – Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am – Hunting partner arrives – drags you out of bed.
3:00 am – Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am – Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am – Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am – Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am – Set up camp – forgot the tent.
4:30 am – Head into the woods.
6:05 am – See eight deer.
6:06 am – Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am – “Click”.
6:08 am – Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am – Head back to camp.
9:00 am – Still looking for camp.
10:00 am – Realize you don’t know where camp is.
Noon – Fire gun for help – eat wild berries.
12:15 pm – Ran out of bullets – eight deer come back.
12:20 pm – Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm – Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm – Rescued.
12:55 pm – Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm – Arrived back in camp.
3:30 pm – leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm – Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm – Load gun – leave camp again.
5:00 pm – Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.
6:00 pm – Arrive at camp – see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm – Load gun.
6:02 pm – Fire gun.
6:03 pm – One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm – Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm – Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm – Fall into fire.
6:10 pm – Change clothes – throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm – Take pickup – leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 pm – Pickup boils over – hole shot in block.
6:26 pm – Start walking.
6:30 pm – Stumble and fall – drop gun in the mud.
6:35 pm – Meet bear.
6:36 pm – Take aim.
6:37 pm – Fire gun – blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 pm – Make mess in pants.
6:39 pm – Climb tree.
9:00 pm – Bear departs – wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree.
Midnight – Home at last.
Next day – Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into
little pieces – place in envelope and mail to back to Game Warden.