Category: sports

There once was a man who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.

The man waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer. When they completed their round, the man told the woman that he was a cordon bleu chef and wine buff.

He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the man cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance do behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation. The man was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end.

He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal. This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, “Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sex?”

“We can’t,” said the woman.

“Why not?” came the reply.

“Because I’m a transvestite” replied the woman.

“YOU BITCH!” screamed the lawyer, “…I CAN’T BELIEVE that you’ve been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!”

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His
wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He�s lying in bed for a few
minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, “What in the world was
that?”

He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”

She thinks to her, “I�m going to fix him.” then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, “what was that?”

She replies “touchdown, tie score.”

Now he thinks, “I�m gonna fix her.” he’s laying there for about 10 minutes
trying to work one up. He tries so hard he s**** in bed.

The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?”

He replied, “half time, switch sides.”

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have
been waiting for 15 minutes!”

� Ineptitude!”The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have
a word with him.” [dramatic pause]

�Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow
aren’t they?”

The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, “That’s so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

One day a man went hunting for ducks. When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.

The Warden said “Hey Sir,what ya huntin?”
The man said “Ducks.”

The Warden said “Did ya have any luck?”
He said “Got 3.”

The Warden said “Let Me see them.” The Warden stuck his finger up the ducks butt,smelled it and said “This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?”
The Man gave him the stamp.

The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said “Kentuky duck, got a stamp?”
The man gave him the stamp.

The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said “Canada duck. Stamp?”
The man gave him the stamp.

Then the Warden said “Where you from anyway?”
The man pulled down his pants and said “You’re the expert, you tell me!”

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were
each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy
their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to
another and said, “So, what did you bring?” The second
convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become
the “Grandma Moses of Jail”. Then he asked the first, “What
did you bring?” The first convict pulled out a deck of cards
and grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker,
solitaire and gin, and any number of games.” The third convict,
who was a Vol fan, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What
did you bring?” The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He
said “I brought these.”

The other two were puzzled and asked – “What can you do with
those?” He grinned and pointed to the box and said – “Well
according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming,
roller-skating….”

A ref calls a holding penelty.The couch runs to the ref and says “That was not holding, it was kicking!”

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at st. Andrews, and
finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to
play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par, and
was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better, even
getting an eagle on the 16th hole.

He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he
walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the
groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to
him and said “sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through
that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if
you’re lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you’ve played today, I
think you can make it.”

So the guy takes a look and sees that it’s a tough shot, but possible, so he
tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck
his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Years go by and the man can’t forget that horrible day. People he tells the
story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he
realizes what he must do – face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at st. Andrews, and
miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about
himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole, he gets so
nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says “sir, the way
you’ve been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if
you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it
and roll onto the green.”

The guy says “are you out of your f*****’ mind? The last time I tried that I
double-bogied!”

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It’s a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He’s got great hands.

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