Yours Fun Portal !
Two pollacks are out golfing and are stuck on the sixteenth green when a
foursome comes to play through. One guy asks, “What seems to be the trouble?”
The first pollack answers, “We both hit to green and when we got here one ball
is in the cup and one is on the lip of the cup. We both shoot Titleist #3 balls
so we can’t figure out who got the hole in one.”
The other golfer looks at the two balls and replies, “Which one of you was
playing the orange ball?”
1. Look at the size of his putter
2. Oh shit my shafts all bent
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk
5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip
6. Lift your head and spread your legs
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired
8. Just turn your back and drop it
9. Hold up.. I’ve got to wash my balls
10. Damn, I missed the hole again
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Einstein was riding on a bus, and he asks this guy what his IQ
was, the guy says 150.98 then Einstein says good we can talk
about music, and literature. He asks a second guy what his IQ
was the guy says it is 125.17 then Einstein says great we can
talk about art, and math, then he asks a third guy what his IQ
was the guy says 2.2 then Einstein says great we can talk about
the Lions.
Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in a St.Louis, Missouri park when
one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiller.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the
dog’s collar, twists it,and breaks the dog’s neck, saving his friend.
A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview
the boy. “Young Rams Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in
his notebook. “But I’m not a Rams fan,” the little hero replies.
“Sorry, since we’re in St. Louis, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter
and he starts writing again. “Blues Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he
writes in his notebook.
“I’m not a Blues fan either,”the boy says.”
Oh, I assumed everyone in St. Louis was either for the Rams or the Blues. What
team do you root for?” the reporter asks.
“I’m an New England Patriots fan,” the boy replies.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
“Little Boy From New England Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Q.-Why’d the chicken cross the road? A.- He was attached to Dennis Rodman’s head!
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop
souvenirs and autographs.
The first says, “Let’s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack
in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in.”
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, “Angus
MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput.” He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the
registration attendant.
The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of
registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events,
meal tickets, and other information.”
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and
roots, walks up the registration table and states: “Chuck Wagon. Canada.
Javelin.”
The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration
materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!”
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration
table and states: “Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus.”
The attendant says, “Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration
materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself.”
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan –
OH NO. He’s a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he
doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up
the registration table and states: “Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing.”
Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours
late. His wife asks him, “What took you so long?”
The guy says, “That was the worst game of golf I’ve ever had. We got up to the
first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart
attack.”
The guy’s wife says, “That’s terrible!”
The guy says, “I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball,
drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . .”
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren’t
going anywhere in life and thought they should go to
college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take
math, history and logic.
“What’s logic?” asked Bubba.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you
own a weed-whacker?”
“I sure do,” answered the redneck.
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,”
replied the professor.
“That’s real good,” the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that
since you have a yard, you also have a house.”
Impressed, the redneck shouted, “AMAZIN’!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a
wife.”
“Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume
that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why, that’s the most fascinatin’
thing I ever heard of! I cain’t wait to take this here
logic class.”
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked
back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
“So, what classes are ya takin?” he asks.
“Math, history and logic,” replies Bubba.
Cooter says, “What in tarnation is logic?”
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?”
“No.”
“You’re a queer, ain’t ya?”
I’m glad to report that a new green and white Oxo Cube will be introduced
early next year. It will be called “Laughing Stock”.
There were these two gay golfers playing golf on a Sunday afternoon. There
were a group of rednecks behind them, who were always hitting the queers
with the golf balls.
One of the queers says to the other, next time they hit us, fall down and
act like you are hurt, cause we are going to sue them rednecks. Well, sure
enough, the one of the balls hits one of the queers and he falls down and
starts flopping all around.
The group of rednecks come up and asks what the problem is. The queer
says, you hit my friend with the ball and he is hurt bad. We are going to
sue you all. One of the rednecks says, “Aw, suck my dick. Well, the queer
tells the other queer to get up, because they are going to settle out of
court.”