Category: sports

What’s the chilliest ground in the premiership?Cold Trafford! How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?Somebody took a corner! Why didn’t the dog want to play football?It was a boxer!

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, “Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.”

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, “What’s the matter Jim?”

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 7-iron…
You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron!”

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready
to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at
each other, look at the guy and say, ‘Sure.’ About two holes into the game, the
friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The
stranger tells them he’s a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, ‘No really, I
am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a
look at it if you like.’ So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and,
sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited
and says, ‘WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?’ The hit man
replies, ‘Sure.’ So Jack looks and says, ‘YEAH! You can see my house! I can even
see through the windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife. Wait, there’s my next
door neighbor! And he’s naked too!’ This really upsets Jack so he asks how much
it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, ‘I get $1000 every time I pull the
trigger.’ Jack responds, ‘$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot
my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it.
Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around
with my wife.’ The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He’s
looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient
and asks, ‘What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, ‘Relax….. I’m about
to save you a thousand bucks!’

What is a mosquito’s favorite sport?

Skin diving.

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old
balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants
pockets.
On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him,
so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the
lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the
lady, “It’s all right ma’am, they’re just golf balls.”
She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, “Tell me –
is that something like tennis elbow?”

The Cincinnati Bengals� football practice was delayed today for several hours after one of the players noticed a suspicious-looking, unknown, white, powdery substance on the playing field. Head coach Marvin Lewis immediately suspended practice, and the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents determined that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

1. Back Straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please….while others are preparing to go.

10. Don’t take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his Quarter Back

These are some questions from an actual real-life exam for a 7th grade
athletics class:

FOOTBALL

1. How many yards do you have to get for a 1st down when it’s 1st and 10?

2. How many players are on the field at one time?

4. How many points do you recieve for a touchdown?

5. How many points do you recieve for an extra point kick?

6. How many points do you recieve for an extra point that you run or pass
in?

7. How many points do you recieve for a safety?

8. What is it called when an offensive player jumps offsides before the
ball is snapped?

9. Which player recieves the ball from the center?

10. What piece of equipment protects your sholders?

BASKETBALL

1. How many points do you recieve for a lay-up?

2. How many points do you recieve for a free-throw?

3. How many points do you recieve for a three-pointer?

4. How many players are on the court at one time?

Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?

Because they couldnt put three W’s in a row.

It is the Olympic men’s figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he
skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some
excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland
6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume,
skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not
technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow
and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying
performance.

The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland
6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with
his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and
bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces
then slips again. He spends his entire ‘routine’ getting up then falling over
again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges’ scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland
6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, “How the hell
can you give that mess 6.0?!”

To which the Irish judge replies “You’ve gotta remember, it’s damn slippery
out there.”

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the
last row in the corner of the stadium he’s closer to the Goodyear blimp than the
field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10
rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and
makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty
seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me,
is anyone sitting here?” The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires
of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”

The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t
been together at since we got married in 1965.”

Well, that’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to
take the seat? A relative or close friend?” No,” the man replies, “they’re all
at the funeral.”