Category: sports

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest
stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them – folk
couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of
the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
explained that she was a physical therapist: “Please allow me to help. I’m a
physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me”, she
told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright…I’ll be fine in a few minutes, he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his
hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her
hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel?
To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,”Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football!”

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says –
“Touchdown, tie score!”

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says –
“Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7!”

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, –
“Touchdown, tie score!”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says –
“Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!”

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?”

The old man replied, “Half-time, Switch sides!”

The old golf pro was bored early on and had already been into the cooler in the pro shop, when suddenly a young lady ran in screaming, “I was stung by a bee!””Where,” the bleary-eyed pro asked?”Between the first and second holes,” replied the frantic young blonde.To which the tipsy pro replied, “I told you yesterday that your stance was too wide.”

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the Elephants decided to
challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the
Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession.

The Ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants’ goal when
the Elephants’ left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the
little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you
call that sportsmanship, killing another player?”

The elephant replied, “Well, I didn’t mean to kill him – I was just trying to
trip him up.”

Q: What did Mike Tyson say to his girlfriend?
A: I’m EARresistable

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man said “No.”

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!”

The man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“That’s really sad,” said Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”

“No,” the man replied, “they’re all at the funeral!”

Over breakfast one morning, a little boy kept staring intently at his
grandfather. ‘1s anything the matter, son?’ the old man asked.
‘No, Gramps. I was just wondering what position you play in the football
team.’
‘What are? You talking about?’ laughed Gramps. ‘I’m far too old to play
football.’
‘Oh,’ said the little. Boy. ‘It’s just that Dad’ said that when you
kicked off, we’d be able to afford a new car.’

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove
the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds with no specialist
equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their pit crew and
hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost in the
pit lane.

The first race came along and the car came into the pits. The
youths went to work but the McLaren team boss noticed a real
problem.

No only had the youths replaced all four wheels within four
seconds, but within 10 seconds, they’d re-sprayed and
re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!

Q. What did one Hockey player say to the other?

A. Puck you!!!

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking
down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his
partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit
the blasted ball!” The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.” “Forget it, man-you don’t stand
a chance of hitting her from here!”

What has 18 legs and cathces flies??
A Baseball team!