Category: sports

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter and starts again.
“Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he continued writing in his notebook.
“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy said.

“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets.
“What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Cowboys fan.” the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
“Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!”

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, ”…and you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass.”

The NFL announced today in a press conference that one team from the league
needed to be eliminated. What officials have decided to do is combine the Green
Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team therefore saving
jobs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS – They’re only good for one period and have
no second string!

15> He’s favored 10-1 to take this year’s Kentucky Derby, even though he’s not a horse.

14> Was badly injured during the pole vault when he hit a helicopter.

13> Sent to track down Barry’s last home-run ball, the Verizon guy hasn’t been heard from in weeks.

12> Swims the English channel — in a single breath.

11> Clearing a path for her last stone, the broom caught fire just before she brushed a hole clean through the ice.

10> Maria Shriver is dangling from his biceps.

9> His latest tattoo is a life-size reproduction of the Sistine Chapel ceiling.

8> He’s already shattered 84 chess clocks this year.

7> Routinely checks the Zamboni into the boards.

6> Helga would have set a record in the 40-yard dash had she not tripped on her penis.

5> His once-weak backhand now rivals James Brown’s.

4> Made the diamonds in his Super Bowl ring himself by clenching charcoal between his buttocks.

3> Surreptitious nut-scratching in the dugout involves a belt sander.

2> When not competing, he uses his javelin to go duck hunting.

1> She goes on rampages every month in which she becomes irrational, uncontrollable and dangerously volatile. What other explanation could there be?

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

“Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got.”

“I’ve got strength but no length.”

“Take your hand off my trick!”

“You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise.”

“Now it’s time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.”

“I have to protect my honour now.”

“Well, I guess we’ll go home now. This is the last rubber.”

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit. 9 Iron”
The man looks round and doesn’t see anyone so he tries again. “Ribbit. 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?” The frog reply’s “Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog.” The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?”, the man asks. “Ribbit 3 wood.” was the reply.

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “Ok where to next?” The frog reply, “Ribbit Las Vegas”.

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “Ok frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette”. Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks,” what do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000 black 6.” Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me”.

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.

All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room”.

1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the
occasional miracle.

2. “I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”

3. “Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.”

4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during
a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely
make a perfect shot.

6. The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”

7. A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither
of whom can putt very well.

8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play;it is
always possible to get worse.

9. Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank
it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for
no reason at all you really stink.

10.I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a
new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran.

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. “My son,” says one, “has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.”

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. “He’s so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.”

The third man’s son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

“To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. “For fifteen years, he’s been a hairdresser, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.”

Joke found on http://www.jokedepot.com

How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife, Edna.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t
see where the ball went.”

“Well, you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife. “Why don’t
you take my brother, Ronald, along the next time you play?”

“But he’s EIGHTY-FIVE and doesn’t even PLAY golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight after his cataract surgery. He could watch your
ball,” Edna pointed out.

So the next day Jack teed off, with Ronald looking on. Jack swung, and the
ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” answered Ronald.

“Where did it go?” asked Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I dunno. I forgot,” said Ronald.

A High School football coach was putting the team through some
toughening-up exercises. One fellow with more brains than brawn
began to get tired. “Everybody on their back!” barked the coach.
“Legs up in the air. Now pretend that your riding a bycicle.
Faster, faster!” The tired one peddled a few minutes, then
stopped. “Hey, you.” yelled the coach “whats the big idea?”
“Who, me?” asked the bright one, “I’m coasting.”

Q: Why can’t you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.