Category: sports

Q: Why can’t Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to
“enforce the laws pending.” He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said,
“Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?”

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of
the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed
it, and said, “This here’s a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington
state hunting license?”

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington
state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the
bird’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here’s an Idaho duck.
Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?”

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden
took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, “This here’s an
Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?”

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the
appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed
the ducks back to the hunter and said, “You’ve got all of these licenses, just
where the hell are you from?”

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, “You’re so smart, YOU tell
ME!”

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield’s ear:

10. Got a little carried away after seeing “Face/Off”

9. Really wanted to win first prize on “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

8. Like this doesn’t happen every year in the Masters

7. Whenever Moe bites Curly’s ear, it’s hilarious!

6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

5. I guess you’ve never heard of a little thing called “strategy”

4. Ears is tasty

3. It was self-defense — he wouldn’t stop punching me!

2. “Disqualified” sounds better than “got his ass kicked all over the ring”

1. He ran out of gum

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.” “No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?Webley stadium! When fish play football, who is the captain?The team’s kipper! Ref: I’m sending you off Player: What for?Ref: The rest of the match!

Before the fight, Mike’s trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops,
bad advice.

Q: What do John Elway, Art Modell, and O.J. Simpson all have in common?
A: They all killed the Browns!

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”
The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

Former college basketball coach Abe Lemmons made the following observations
concerning the differences between doctors and coaches:

Doctors can bury their mistakes –
Coaches still have theirs on scholarships.

Finish last in your league and they call you an idiot –
Finish last in medical school and they call you a doctor.

Just once I’d like to see the win-loss records of doctors right out front
where people can see them: Won ten, Lost three, Tied two.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big
animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and
at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play,
the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for
no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly,
“Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

Samantha:Hey Kaylee
Kaylee:What?
Samantha:Do you know how to do Karate because your butt is movin and kickin!