Category: sports

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad, I couldn’t
see where the ball went.”

“You’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife. “Why don’t you
take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“Yes, but he’s got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you,” Tracy
pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball
disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Did you see where it went?” asked
Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

* When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you start a “USA! USA!” chant.
* When you girlfriend dumps you, you tell her she couldn’t “play with the big
boys,” and that she will never get past mid-card status.
* When you search and search the bible for the book of Austin.
* If you can actually remember Sting’s last public words.
* If on a job application, you state your residence as “parts unknown.”
* If you quit your Job because you have to find your “Smile.”
* When you’re getting beat up in a bar fight, but you honestly believe that
with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing around.
* If you hit your co-worker in head with a chair while your manager is
distracting him.
* When you look for Sting on the back of the milk carton during breakfast.
* When a guy steals your girl, you consider it an angle.
* When you rack your neighbor’s dog.
* When you attend a graduation, and yell “Ooooooh yeah!” when ‘Pomp and
Circumstance’ plays.
* When you are involved in a bar fight with a guy twice your size and you
think your best line of attack is putting the Tongan death grip on him.
* When you put up your wife or girlfriend up in a card game for 30 days if you
lose.
* When you go to a dance and start dancing like Alex Wright.
* You watch car racing in order to see Bob “sparkplug” Holly
* When you wear your Macho Man foam hat out in public.
* When you win an award and immediately spray paint “nWo” on it.
* When you rate women on a scale of Chyna to Sunny.
* When you begin to shake someone’s hand in public but then hesitate to look
for the crowd’s response.
* When you get into a real fight and you blade.
* When you do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.
* If whenever you walk into a party you tell them to “cut the music.”
* When anytime anybody asks you a question, you “grab the mike” and yell,
“MEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAN GEEEEEEEEEEEEEENEE!”
* When you die you mustache blond while leaving your beard black.
* If you keep waiting for run-ins during boxing matches.
* After an argument with a friend, you shake hands, hug each other and then
after you raise both yours and your friend’s arms in the air, as he looks to the
side, you clothesline him.
* If you think John the Baptist Bladed.
* If you wonder why Bob Backlund’s campaign for the presidency never got any
press.
* If you carry a foreign object in your underwear.
* When you go into work you insult everyone you see just to draw heat.
* If you’re a Honky Tonk Man impersonator instead of an Elvis impersonator.
* If you wore spiked shoulder pads during a football game.
* If you loose a job, you change your look and name before starting a new
one.
* If you find out that you have been fired by calling up the company’s
hotline.
* If you purposely blade yourself while shaving.
* If you suspect your best friend is just setting you up for a heel turn.
* When before a fight, you give away a pair of sunglasses to a kid.
* When you go to a funeral and assume that the deceased just lost a Casket
Match.
* When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.
* If you paint your face and don’t speak to your co-workers
* When you go to your daughter’s softball game and start a “we want blood”
chant.
* If you get into an argument with a friend at work and challenge him to
a loser must retire match.
* When you see a fight in the streets and call the moves.
* If at a ceremony at your work to give out awards to the employee of the
year, you “turn” and slam a chair across the recipient of the award’s
head…then you immediately grab the mic and start talking about how YOU
deserved the award.
* If you refer to all the women in your work area your valets.
* When you keep flour in your underpants (just in case).
* If you refer to The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal as rag
sheets.
* If you wondered why Vince didn’t borrow money from Ted DiBiase to
prevent WCW from “buying” its wrestlers.
* You start every sentence with the words “Well, ya know, Mean Gene…” or
“Let me tell ya something…”
* You refer to everyone you talk to as “brother.”
* Every time you see someone yawning, you get an uncontrollable urge to thrust
your fingers down their throat and screech uncontrollably.
* Your children are named Crippler, Hitman, and Hollywood.
* You get hoarse on purpose so you can sound like the Macho Man.
* You hold a wrestling tournament for an aluminum foil belt.
* You constantly play really bad air guitar on your foil belt that you cheated
to win.
* On Halloween, you pull a Jericho and steal all the trick-or-treaters’ masks
and then claim them as “prizes.”
* You get kicked off the school wrestling team for choke slamming your
opponent.
* You cried when the Giant went nWo.
* You took bagpipe lessons just so you could play Roddy Piper’s theme music.
* You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.
* You fenced in your bed, so it feels like being in a steel cage.
* You throw your VCR away when you can’t find Rick Steiner on your copy of
“Gremlins.”
* Your best friend is a microphone.
* After your parents ground you for a week, you refer to them as “heels.”
* You try to write to the admissions office at S.C.U.
* You dress your dog up as a “Hulkamaniac.”
* You use the phrase “Too Sweet” more than 45 times daily.
* You try to impress your friends by telling them Bobby Heenan jokes.
* You honestly believe that “TBS” stands for “The Brain Station.”
* You think “No Holds Barred” should win an Oscar.
* Your greatest accomplishment in life is mastering the sleeper hold.
* You roped in your backyard and you get together with friends to throw chairs
around.
* You requested “3:16” as your new license plate.
* You think a tilt-a-whirl looks fun.
* You think that The Giant is a “sissy.”
* You put white-out on the faces of your action figures, and then draw black
marks on their faces.
* You give crotch chops to the opposing team during a softball game.
* You feel sorry for jobbers.
* You light your bed on fire and fight your brother in it.
* Your teacher gives you detention, you give them a Stone Cold Stunner and
walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers.
* You leapfrog over people while playing football, then you turn around and
clothesline them.
* You publish a shirt that say’s, “Jay Leno 1-0 Who’s Next?”
* Every time you sit down at a table you consider how easily it might break if
you were to moonsault it.
* You constantly deny that Brian Christopher is your son.
* After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.
* You chokeslam your cat.
* You elbow smash your dog and turn him/her over for the three counts.
* Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
* When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to “Rest In Peace.”
* You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.
* Instead of opening a can of tuna you open up a can of whoop ass on your
cat.
* In the school cafeteria, you come up behind a kid and hit him with a
chair and look around for crowd responses.
* You walk down the aisle at a church giving high fives as the people hold up
signs and chant your name.
* You won’t come out of your room until your parents play your theme on the
radio.

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at
the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the
varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and
try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is
a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed
very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep
an “exercise diary” to chart my progress.

Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I
arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a
goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines
and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little
alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that
outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class.
Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching
a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going
to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya
had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she
puts weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it a full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles
ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have
developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to
steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and
said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my
chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me
regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
can’t help it if I was half an hour late. It took me that long just to tie my
shoes. She wanted me to life dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb”
must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars
looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in
extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to
work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don’t have triceps. And if
you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to
accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school. YOU are to
blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like
crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social
studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I
lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of
the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my
wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a
root canal.

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?Because education pays off in the long run! What is a runner’s favourite subject in school?Jog-raphy! What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?Ince pies!

A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.

The husband asks: “Did we break that too?”
“Yes”, replies the man.

“Sorry. Do you live here?” the husband asks.

“No, actually, I’m a genie.” The man states. “I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I’m supposed to give you three wishes, but I’m keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what’ll they be?”

The husband thinks a moment: “First, make my wife a better golfer.”
“Poof! She’s a better golfer”, the genie announces.

“Second, I want a million bucks a week for life.”
“Poof! you get a million bucks a week”, the genie announces.

“Good. OK, what do you want?” asks the husband.
“For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife,” grins the genie.

“Hmmm”, the husband hesitated, “I guess that’s all right. After all, she broke your lamp, you’ve made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead.”

So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the “genie” says to the wife: “How long have you known your husband?”
“Ten years,” she replies.
“How long has he believed in this genie stuff?”

You: Want to hear a joke?
He/she: Sure.
You: The WNBA.

You: Want to hear another joke?
He/she: Sure.
You: Competitive WNBA.

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an
interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility said, “I have four sons.
One more and I’ll have a basketball team.”
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing! I
have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team.”
The Mormon replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more
and I’ll have a golf course.”

A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddie from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play.

On the first tee, the golfer missed his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot. He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par.

The man turned to his caddie and said, “Well, I have never played this badly before!”

To which the caddie replied, “I didn’t realize you had played before, sir.”

Ever heard of the Bill Clinton golf ball?

It will give you a perfect lie everytime!

There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.

The judge says, “do you want to live with your dad?” the kid says “no! he beats me!”.
The judge says,”you want to live with your mom?” “no! she beats me too!”.

So the judge says, “who do you want to live with then?”

The kid says, “The Cleveland Browns…they can’t beat anybody!”

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl
swims to shore in a wetsuit….
Man: “Hi! Am I ever happy to see you.”
Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been
since you’ve had a cigarette?”

Man: “It’s been ten years!” With this information the girl unzips a slot on
the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: “Oh thank you so much!”

Girl: “So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?”

Man: “It’s been ten years” The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet
suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: “Oh… thank you so much. You are like a miracle!”

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] “So tell me then, how
long has it been since you played around?”

Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?!”