Category: sports

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield’s ear:

10. Got a little carried away after seeing “Face/Off”

9. Really wanted to win first prize on “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

8. Like this doesn’t happen every year in the Masters

7. Whenever Moe bites Curly’s ear, it’s hilarious!

6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

5. I guess you’ve never heard of a little thing called “strategy”

4. Ears is tasty

3. It was self-defense — he wouldn’t stop punching me!

2. “Disqualified” sounds better than “got his ass kicked all over the ring”

1. He ran out of gum

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a
crazed dog. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from a nearby
fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, shutting off the dog’s
breathing.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview
the boy. Noting the boys had been playing football, he starts writing in his
notebook, “Forty Niners fan saves friend from vicious animal.”

“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies.

“Oakland Raiders fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” the reporter starts
again.

“I’m not a Raiders fan either,” the boy says.

“Then what are you?” the reporter asks.

“I’m a Cowboys fan!!!”

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little redneck
kills family pet.”

Football Practice

cornerback:man i was that close from making that interception

Fat teammate: thats cause ur just that slow

Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?

Because they couldnt put three W’s in a row.

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag,
but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green,
they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had
gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both
using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House
and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and
congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he
asked, “OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?”

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist: “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!” she told him earnestly.

“Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I’ll be all right…. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.

“How does that feel?” she asked. “It feels great.” He replied. “But my thumb still hurts like the dickens!”.

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.

�So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren’t disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.”

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a
wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far
the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts
the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will
take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave.
His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.

“What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right
through the barn onto the green.”

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open
the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific “whack”!
The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her
instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating
to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at
the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts
the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at
what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes
a suggestion.

“What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right
through the barn onto the green.”

“No,” the man replies,”last time I did that I got two over par.”

15> “Boy, this sure gives new meanings to the phrase ‘game of inches,’ doesn’t it?”

14> “Now *that’s* what I call a naked bootleg!”

13> “After further review of the play… I have decided… that I need to further review the play. This time in super slow-motion.”

12> “Your bikini wax is a little ‘off sides,’ dear.”

11> “The coach has thrown the ‘challenge’ flag. Evidently, he doesn’t think those things are real.”

10> “The ref has called for a measurement… AGAIN.”

9> “And at halftime, some lucky fan will get the chance to take a few snaps from center.”

8> “Illegal contact, 15-yard penalty — but MAN, was that hot!”

7> “Our sideline reporter tells us it’s only a sprained nipple and they’re going to put some ice on it. Let’s see if our cameraman can get us a close-up.”

6> “Please dump the Gatorade… Please dump the Gatorade… Please dump the Gatorade….”

5> “Peanuts! Ice cold beer! Kleenex and WetNaps!”

4> “Win one for the stripper!”

3> “Hey! Where the hell was she hiding that Sharpie?!?”

2> “The prick is up… and it’s wood!!”

1> “The girls have been wide open all day, but nobody seems capable of penetrating the red zone.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Rob is so slow that a turtle beat him in a race.

Whats the difference between a bowling ball and an ole slapper?
None…
Both get picked up,
fingered,
then fucked down an alley!