Notre Dame Joke

A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he’d like
to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

“Listen buddy,” he growled. “See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both
linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was
a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame’s
all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now,
are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?”

“Nah, guess not,” the man replied. “I wouldn’t want to have to explain it 5
times.”

Diver Meets Guy Underwater

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He
noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later.
The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and
wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?”

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
“I’m drowning, you moron!”

What Auburn Means

Did you here what happened 3 1/2 years ago at the University of Tennessee
just before Spring Break? Well 3 days before UT got out for spring break,
some of the other SEC schools let their students out for spring break and
with the Interstate running through Knoxville like it does, 5 Auburn
Football Players drove thru Knoxville on their way to the Smoky Mountains
on I-40 in a Dodge Caravan. One of the players knew the interstate exits
in Knoxville and said turn here at 17th street and had the driver drive
straight up to the hill on Tennessee’s campus. After parking the 5 players
got out and started walking around UT’s campus looking at the football
facilities and 3 of them were wearing T-shirts with AUBURN in bold type
across the front. UT’s players were still there studying for finals and
looked out, saw them, and recognized them and got mad. 15 UT players went
out and circled them and said, “We looked up that word Auburn on your
shirts, in the dictionary, and it talks about the colors of Fall, but it
does not say anything about a school in Alabama. What does it mean?” The
auburn players were scared being outnumbered 15 to 5 so they responded,
“In football it means Alabama Usually Beats Us Round November”. Of course
Tennessee beat Auburn last year in the SEC Championship 12/6/97, which
being not a full week into December is still around November, so when it
comes to beating Auburn round November, UT means US TOO! We can beat
Auburn around November!!!!

Golf Genie

Golf Genie
A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on
the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her
shot and the ball began to slice – her shot was headed directly at a very
large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through
the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to
see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they
peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out
and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small
gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife asked
the man, “Do you live here?”” “”No

Discouraged?

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local little
league baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I
sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys
what the score was. “We’re behind 14 to nothing,” he answered with a
smile. “Really,” I said. “I have to say you don’t look very discouraged.”
“Discouraged?” the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. “Why should
we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet.”

Gorilla Golfer

There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.
One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, “I’ve been trying to beat you for so long that I’m about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you’re game, I’d like to try to get back all the money I’ve lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?”

The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. “After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?” he thought.

Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.

The guy turns to his friend and says “That’s incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I’ve seen enough. I’ve got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I’ll write you a check.”

After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, “By the way, how’s that gorilla’s putting?”

The other guy replies, “Same as his driving.”

“That good, huh?”

“No, I mean, he hits putts the same way – 450 yards, right down the middle!”

Picked for the school team

“Dad, dad!” cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. “I think I’ve been
selected for the school football team.”
“That’s good,” said his father. “But why do you only think you’ve been
selected? Aren’t you sure? What position are you playing?”
“Well,” replied Philip, “it’s not been announced officially, but I overheard
the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I’d be a great
draw-back.”