Category: sports

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, “What are you up to?”

Alice smiled. “I’m going hunting with you!”

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home
team had been the victim of three or four close calls and they were now trailing
the visitors by a touchdown and a field goal. When the official called yet
another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

“How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You
were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down and you
missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.” the official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him
tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you stink!”

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the
ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming
quarterback. The official finally replied, “and how do I smell from here,
a******?”

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says,
“What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man-you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in h*** of hitting her
from here!”

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?All of them, a crossbar can’t jump! Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?They prefer cricket matches! What stories are told by basketball players?Tall stories!

Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend – “Hey, why don’t you try this ball.” He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
“Use this one – You can’t lose it!”

His friend replies, “What do you mean you can’t lose it?!!”
The first man replies, “I’m serious, you can’t lose it.

If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.”

Obviously, his friend doesn’t believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, “Wow! That’s incredible! Where did you get that ball?”

The man replies, “I found it.”

(Think about it… it’ll come to you

The worst golf player in history must have been Adolf Hitler.
He never got out of the bunker.

The regular foursome teed off on time that Saturday morning. On the second
hole Joe noticed a funeral procession going by and stopped, held his hat over
his heart and bowed his head. His partners noticed and complimented Joe on his
thoughtfulness. “She was a good wife for 40 years,” replied Joe.

12> “Fat-kidneyed rascal, thine canker’d countenance shall kiss the cold earth anon!”

11> “What warrior doth tread distant battlefields unshod, his footwear relinquish’d to her whose loins begat thee?”

10> “But, soft! What stench through yonder buttocks breaks?”

9> “As thy wife for me last e’en did bend, So shall thy legs before thee at match’s end!”

8> “Of fruitless issue is thy ill-spoken slander! For elastic is my composition, whilst thine is adhesive.”

7> “Behind yon mask of red and gold, what coxcomb struts and frets in dainty tights, unswell’d by manly cord?”

6> “Thou mewling swag-bellied scullion! Thou wretched folly-fallen cutpurse! Most grievously doth thy visage offend the eye, thou droning flap-mouthed pignut!”

5> “Faugh! Thy putrid exhale couldst topple the carrion fowl from off his perch, atop a cart with human refuse laden.”

4> “Get thee to a nunnery! For next to nun, methinks, is thy prospect of victory.”

3> “Unbridled envy wouldst thine ample codpiece inspire, save that it concealeth naught but a minnow.”

2> “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s eve? For verily, thou art a douche-bag!”

1> “Hie thee away, scoundrel, lest this metallic vessel be oped; its whoop-ass forthwith unleash’d.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Two guys decide to go on a hunting trip. When there friend hears about it, he begges to go. The two men are skeptical, because every time there friend goes, he scares away all the game. The friend promises that if he is allowed to go, he will stay at the camp site, because he likes to camp more than hunt. They agree and they start on their trip.

Once camp is set up, the two men decide to go hunt, and their friend stays behind. After several hours they finally spot a ten point buck, but a shrill scream scares the buck away. The two men run back to camp, only to find their friend standing there looking up into the trees.

“What’s wrong?” They asked. “Yeah, you scared off our game.”

“I’m sorry, fellas. I didn’t screm when the snake fell out of the tree and wrapped aound my neck. I didn’t yell when the bear came out of the woods and mauled me nearly to death. But those SQUIRELS…”

What had happened to the poor man was that two squirels had climbed up his pants leg. The first squirel asked the second, “Do we eat them NOW, or do we take them HOME?”

Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said,
“Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a
match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get
you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several
times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his
face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised
his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back
hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him,
getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he
asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right
in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of
strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid
Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby
fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.

“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his
notebook.

“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter
and starts again. “Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he
continued writing in his notebook.

“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy said.

“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team
do you root for?” the reporter asked.

“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck
Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

Q: Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
A: It has two bytes and no memory.