Yours Fun Portal !
Last spring, a friend of mine was watching a segment on television about women
tennis players being groped by their coaches.
After hearing that, my friend began to think that maybe he should start
coaching women’s tennis.
Oh sure, he knows nothing about coaching tennis, but I bet that he could feel
his way through it.
A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.
Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.
The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. Her doctor walked into her room laughing his head off. He said,”You’re not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!
So, how did you break YOUR leg??”
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to ‘enforce the laws pending.’ He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, ‘Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?’The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, ‘This here’s a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?’The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, ‘This here’s an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?’The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, ‘This here’s an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?’Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, ‘You’ve got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?’The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said ‘You’re so smart, YOU tell ME!’
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!”, he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!” Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic !” Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”
And the man replies, “My God ! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”
“You’re going out to play golf again?” his wife complained.”I’m only doing under doctors orders.””Do I look stupid to you?!” “But its true,” he said, while walking out the door.”He told me specifically that I should get some iron everyday.”
The huge college freshman figured he’d try out for the football team. “Can you
tackle?” asked the coach.
“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone
pole, shattering it to splinters.
“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”
“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just
over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he
said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews.
Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble.
Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it.
Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared.
The genie said ” I will grant you one wish.” Tony thought for a second and said ” I wish this whole lake was beer.”
Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said ” You asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.”
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for
what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens.
He tries again.
Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.
Nothing happens.
He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks
down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this
guy is going up!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver — by this time scared out of
his wits–yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”
The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on his way from New York to
California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decides to stop at the next gasoline
station and fill up.
About 15 minutes later, he spots a Shell station and pulls over to the high
octane pump. “What can I do fer ya’ll?” asks the attendant.
“Fill her up with high test,” replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.
“What kinda car is dat?” he asks, “I never seen one like it befer.”
“Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “this, my boy,
is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.”
“What all it got in it?” asks the attendant.
“Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It has power steering, power
seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10-deck CD player in
the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion
steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package,
and best of all–an 8.8 liter V12 engine.”
“WOW!” says the attendant, “thata be someting.”
“How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver.
“Thata be $30.17,” says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and
peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful
of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees.
“What dem little wooden tings?” asks the attendant.
“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver.
“WOW!” says the attendant, “dem Cadillac folkies tink of everything.”
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.” Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.” Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.” They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?” Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”
Got this off the list a couple of years ago. I don’t know who to give credit to as I deleted the author’s name.
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game. Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he’ll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see Independence Day, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)
He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 days.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
A quickie will net him $1855.
He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be ‘reimbursed’ $33,390 for that round.
He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student 5200 packages of Ramen.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He’ll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.
And something to cheer you up after all of this…….. Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
Or does that make you more sick?