Category: sports

What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super
Bowl?

The Dallas Cowboys.

Mike Tyson was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. “I want
you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure
for two weeks. The next time I see you, you will have lost at least five
pounds.”
When Mike Tyson returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly
twenty pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my
instructions?”
Mike Tyson nodded and said, “I’ll tell you though, Doc, I
thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor. To which Tyson answered, “No, Doc,
from skipping.”

What’s the difference between a Metallica concert and a Tyson – Holyfield
match?
After the Metallica concert, there’s a ring in the ears…after the
bout, there are ears in the ring.

Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?
Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn’t you?

Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddy: This isn’t a watch, sir. It’s a compass.

Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddy: Oh, he’s played with you, too, huh?

“Caddy, why didn’t you see where that ball went?”
“Well, it doesn’t usually go anywhere, Mr. Smith. You caught me off guard.”

An elementary teacher started at a new school in Los Angeles. Trying to make a good connection with the students on her first day, she told her class that she was a Lakers fan. She asked if anyone else here was a Lakers fan? Everyone in the class raised their hand except one little girl. The teacher looked at the little girl with surprise, and asked: “Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?”

Mary replied: “Because I’m not a Lakers fan!”

The teacher felt a little competitive and asked: “Well, if you’re not a Lakers fan, then whom do you support?”

“I’m a Sonics fan, and proud of it!” Mary replied, folding her little arms across her chest.

“Mary, why are you a Sonics fan?”

“Because my Mom and dad are from Seattle and my Mom is a Sonics fan and my dad is a Sonics fan, so I’m a Sonics fan too!”

“Well,” said the teacher, knowing she was loosing it, “that’s still no reason for you to be a Sonics fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?” As the words left he mouth, the teacher realized that if her new principal wasn’t also a HUGE Lakers fan, that she may have ended her career right then and there. Trying to hide her shock at her own words, she stared at little Mary who stared back coldly.

With daggers of ice between each of her words, Mary said: “In that case I’d be a Blazers fan.”

The other day I was out playing some golf, and my ball landed on
the rough in a patch of buttercups.

As I lifted my club in the air I heard a faint voice, “Please
don’t hurt my buttercups, buttercups.”

I lowered my club and took a quick glance back and forth to make
sure that I was alone. Satisfied that I was alone, I began to
raise my club, and again came the same voice, this time a bit
louder, “Please don’t hurt my buttercups, buttercups.”

This time I was so sure of the voice that I spoke aloud, “Hello,
is someone out there.”

No sooner than I had finished speaking a tiny fairy appeared
before me. “I am the forest fairy, if you don’t hurt my
buttercups then I’ll give you all the butter you could want for
the rest of your life.”

And so I replied, “Where the hell where you when I was in the
pussywillows?”

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he
sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba
gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had
a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her
left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it,
takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her
right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and
says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her
wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some
REAL fun?”

And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in
there!”

It is said that in Ireland; if it looks like rain before a match, they play
the extra time first.

what has 18 legs and cathces flies?
A baseball team.

In answer to the eternal question, “Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?”, I submit the following:

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he’ll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike) He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be ‘reimbursed’ $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997. If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He’ll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.

Next year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn’t it?

BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES. NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE!

Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in
the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to
see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, “Don, you’ve got two choices, either
I maul you to death or we have sex.” Don decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks Don soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There
was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing
right next to him. The Grizzly said, “That was a huge mistake Don. You’ve got
two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex.” Again, Don
thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot
it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his
shoulder. Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there.
The Polar Bear said, “Admit it Don, you don’t really come here for the
hunting, do you?”

Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go
drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on
this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven,” advised the caddie. “You’ve already moved
most of the earth.”

Golfer: “This is the worst golf course I’ve ever played on!”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago”

Golfer: “Well Caddy, How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf.”

Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, Sir.”

Golfer: “Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used
to.

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s
distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, Sir, its a compass!”

Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, Sir, its a sin any day of the week!”

Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he
screamed.”
Caddy: “I doubt it,” replied the caddy. “That would-be too much
of a coincidence.