Category: sports

Why Did they put in astro-turf at Soildiers Field?

So the fans would stop grazing at halftime!!!

It’s time for skiing again! Do the following exercises to prepare for the
real experience!

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for
a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head
before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the
lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski
boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are
looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed
ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into
you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours, anywhere, as long as it’s in a snowstorm
and you’re following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into
your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for
the real thing!

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and
higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

“So, did you jump?” The father asked.

“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men
got up and just walked out of the plane!”

“Is that when you jumped?” Asked the father.

“Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
time and throw them out the door.”

“Did you jump then?” Asked the father.

“I’m getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my butt.”

“So, did you jump?”

“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the
door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 275 pounds. He said
to me, ‘Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’ I said, ‘No, sir. I’m too
scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.
I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, `’Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this little
baby up your ass.'”

“So, did you jump?” Asked the father.

“Well, a little, at first, but then I got used to it.”

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, “Father during the week I said the F-word.”

The priest says, “Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary’s and your sins will be forgiven.”

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

“Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church,” said the guy.

“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.

“No,” the guy replied. “I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough.”

“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.

“No,” the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. “My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green.”

“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.

“No,” the guy said. “As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it.”

“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.

“No,” the guy replied. “As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball.”

“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.

“No,” the guy replied. “The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole.”

The priest said, “Don’t tell – me you missed the fucking putt!”

Q: Know why Bryant Gumbel left NBC?
A: He was tired of all the back-biting!

The Bears were trailing the Packers 42-0 when the Bears wide reicever said we need to score a touchdown quick to get back in this when suddenly the quarterback says What the heck is a touchdown?

Olaf and Lena were on a baseball bus trip from Fargo, North Dakota to
Minneapolis, Minnesota, to see the Twins baseball game. Thirty miles out of
Fargo, the bus broke down and all passengers had to disembark.

Olaf says to Lena, “Hey, Lena, let’s go over dere in da bushes and have some
fun.” “Oh, no,” says Lena. ” Ve couldn’t do dat.”

They get back on the repaired bus, but the bus breaks down again 50 miles
farther down the road. Again Olaf asks Lena to join him for some fun in the
bushes, but she again refuses.

The bus repaired, they get back on, drive 29 miles more, and again the bus
breaks down, and Olaf asks Lena, “Can we go over dare in da bushes and have some
fun? Lena says, “Ya, ve can do dat.”

So they go over and have their fun. Back on the bus, Olaf asks Lena why she
refused the first two times, but accepted the third time.

Lena replies, “Vell, I heard somebody on the bus say that if dis bus doesn’t
get to Minneapolis pretty soon, the f***ing season will soon be over.”

My one neighbor Van is a true sport fisherman. He said once he caught a Great
White Shark. Never having seen it on display in his home, I asked what happened
to it. He sighed and replied, “Well, it was too small to keep, so I and three
other guys threw it back in.”

Why do the Vikings play in a Dome?

Because even God can’t stand to watch!

Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

“It’s the wife” said Maurie. ” As you know, she’s taken up golf, and since she’s been playing, she’s cut my sex down to once a week”.

“Well you should think youbself lucky” said his partner. “She’s cut some of us out altogether!”

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten
track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through
the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands
on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

“Let’s see yer fishin’ license, Boy!” the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid
fishing license.

“Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about as dumb as a box of
rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!”

“Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. “But my friend back there, well, he don’t
have one.”

Did you see where that lady that won the 20 million dollar lawsuit for the
McDonald’s coffee being too hot, is suing Walmart?
Apparently she bought an Ernie Irvin Shirt and hit the wall 10 times before
she left the store.