Category: sports

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The “Tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don’t move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.

“So, how’d you break your leg?” She asked, making small talk.

“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift.”

“So how’d you break your arm?”

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
explained that she was a physical therapist: “Please allow me to help. I’m
a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow
me”, she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright…I’ll be fine in a few minutes, he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How
does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell.

Golfing HitmanThere are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the guy and say, ”Sure.” So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he’s a hitman. The friends all laugh. The guy says, ”No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.” So one of the friends dicides to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all excited and says, ”WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?” The hit man replies, ”Sure.” So the guy looks for a second and says, ”YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! And he’s naked too!” This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, ”I get $1000 everytime I pull the trigger.” The guy responds, ”$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.” The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He’s looking for about five minutes until finally the man starts to get really impatient and asks, ”What are you waitng for?!? The hitman replies, ”Just hold on….. I’m a about to save you a thousand bucks!”

Is your new striker fast?’
`Is he fast? He’s so fast, the rest of the team have to run twice as fast just
to keep up with him!’

1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record:
“We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just
can’t figure out where else to play.”

1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending
too much time on one subject.”

1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning
regardless of what time it is.”

1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching
sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract
negotiations: “He wants Texas back.”

1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of
Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One
player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in
condition for football?”

1981 Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s
co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the
field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m going to send the injured
reserve players out for the toss next time.”

1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at
Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15
hadn’t been colored yet.”

1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he
thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.”

1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual
obligations: “They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free.”

1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I
was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.”

1981 Dorothy Shula , on the career dedication of her husband, the Miami
Dolphins’ coach: “I’m fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a
way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice
funeral.”

1976 Mike Newlin, Houston Rocket guard, after a game his team lost to the New
York Nets: “We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity.”

1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn’t use a
lonely end: “We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a
lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown.”

1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash.,
after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: “It wasn’t as easy as you think. It’s
hard to stay awake that long.”

1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide
receiver Jerry Rice: “Rapport? You mean like, ‘You run as fast as you can, and
I’ll throw it as far as I can’?”

1966 Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA’s Houston Rockets, when asked, during
a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name:
“Tom.”

1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
“He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”

1976 Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt
his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: “You mean in the
state?”

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
“Where’s Henry? one of his campmates asked.”
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”

Four women were out on the golf course, when one pointed out a white blur
approaching from a distance.. As it grew closer, they could see it was a
streaker drawing near.. As the nude guy ran past the women one said, “My golly,
which is that? Was that Dick Green??”
Another answered, “I don’t think so. I think it was just the reflection.”

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away — ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away — ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph — bulls-eye!

“I’ve got to get this guy!” Ross said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl.”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son.”

“I don’t think you understand, Mother!” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No, let me tell you,” the mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighbourhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says:

“…I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.”

What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?Sorry, it was a freak hic! Why are football grounds odd?Because you can sit in the stands but can’t stand in the sits! What do you get if you drop a piano on a team’s defence?A flat back four!

What is the difference between Pamela Anderson and a Manchester United Goalkeeper?

Pammy has only got two tits in front of her!!!

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit. 9 Iron”
The man looks round and doesn’t see anyone so he tries again. “Ribbit. 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?” The frog reply’s “Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog.” The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?”, the man asks. “Ribbit 3 wood.” was the reply.

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “Ok where to next?” The frog reply, “Ribbit Las Vegas”.

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “Ok frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette”. Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks,” what do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000 black 6.” Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me”.

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.

All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room”.

If Tyson gets banned for life, he could always become a barber. Think about
it: You could walk into his shop and say, “Hey, Mike! Could you take a little
off the ears?”