Category: sports

There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Superbowl.
He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was
somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was WAY up
there. He couldn’t see the game, so he began looking around.

Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He
reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was
seating there.

The man replied, “No.” So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.

“Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?”

The man answers, “Oh, that was my wife’s seat.”

“Where is she?” the guy replied.

“She died.”

“Oh, I’m sorry…don’t you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or
friend?”

“No, they couldn’t come.”

“Why?”

“Because they are at her funeral.”

Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can’t lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!”What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?” she asks.”I’m just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady”, replies the golfer.”Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you’ve done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!”The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature’s patience.”What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?” she screams at him.”I’m not laughing about that – I’m laughing about my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!

Paddy: ‘I couldn’t get to the match last Saturday. What was the score?’
Mick: ‘Nil-nil.’
Paddy: `What was it at half-time?’

Q. What’s the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A. Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.

He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB’s from the gun went right into mother’s spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB’s and just figured that they couldn’t hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.

Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying, “mommy mommy I just peed BB’s! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don;t worry it will go away.

Then the little boy runs down stairs, “mommy mommy I just peed BB’s! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don’t worry about it, it will go away.

Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down – “honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!”

I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.
He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.
My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.

I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.

Sure enough, he said that I had three times the “normal length” of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.

I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery — provided that I didn’t play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.

Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.

Then I asked him what had become of the “rest” of me.

He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it…
and watched it duck hook two fairways away…

What is a goal keeper’s favorite snack?
Beans on post!

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady

6. Clean Sheets

2. Bare Belly

7. Thighs

3. Silk Panties

8. Big Johnson

4. Conscience

9. Heavy Bosum

5. Jockey Shorts

10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot. At the Halfway Mark It’s Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson. At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming. At The Finish Its Big Johnson giving everything he’s got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pullup.

Clean Sheets never had a chance………

How many files did Evander Holyfield download from the Mike Tyson website?
A couple of megabytes.

Two boys were playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog’s collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog’s neck and stopping the attach.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal…” he starts writing in his notebook. “But, I’m not a Bruins Fan”, the little hero replied. “Sorry, since we’re in Boston, I just assumed you were”, said the reporter and starts again. “Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack…” he continues to write in his notebook. “I’m not a Red Sox fan either!” The boy said. “I assumed everyone in Boston was either a Bruins or Red Sox fan. So, what team do you root for? the reporter asked. “I’m a Yankees fan!” the child beamed. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: “Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet”.

An apple always wanted to be strong.so he

went to bodybuilding and started practicing hard.But after a week of hard work he became a hip!

Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare: Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.Throw away a hundred dollar bill – now.Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.Pretend you are looking for your car.Sporadically drop things.Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger.Be sure you are in the longest line.Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler.Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face.Leave the ice on your face until it melts.Let it drip into your clothes.Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.Slam your thumb in a car door.Don’t go see a doctor.Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing.